Not sure why friend is like this, anybody else experienced this ?

[EvePolastri938]

If you said to someone for instance that you were going on holiday (in usual times) they would say 'that's nice/have fun/have a good holiday' etc wouldn't they ?
If I said that to my friend, she'd say 'where are you going ?' and then 'oh right/ok'

Recently had a socially distanced meeting with my new boyfriend's family, and i've finally met a nice guy after a lot of bad luck. Most people would say 'i'm happy for you/that's great' etc. But she said absolutely nothing.

I used to send her my art but don't bother anymore as she never has anything to say, either compliments or feedback. I just sent her a character i'd drawn once and she just said "Don't know who that is."

She doesn't have to like things/care etc. But I just feel like she lacks the social awareness to even say things out of politeness.

She can also be quite dismissive too. I remember when I left my old job and they organised a leaving breakfast for me. It was really kind of them but she just said "Oh well they do that for anyone who's leaving."

When the nurse was so caring when I was giving blood, "Well, it's their job to be nice !"

When I comment on how a new friend of hers is nice "Well, he/she wouldn't be my friend if they weren't !"

I don't always boast about myself or only say good things, i've spent an entire year with her talking about some guy she likes, and I talk about any problems i've had too.

I know she's depressed about being single and not having a family (she's said) but I'm not sure why she's like this, it's just very draining and negative. I've tried to tell her once before but nothing has changed. Any opinions ?

It's an imposition to send your writing, poems, artwork to friends and ask them to critique it. Give it to disinterested parties to assess, it's not fair to seek flattery in this way and makes friends resent you.

That's an interesting point of view, fair enough. She does art work too so thought she may have some opinions. As I said she also sends me photos etc. And asks me to rate them, I don't think sending a drawing once every few weeks is imposing.

It extends to everything, she's not from ruid country but frequently criticises the UK, especially atm given our situation, if I send a photo of a guy he's always 'not her type'.
Before anyone asks 'why are you sending her photos of them ?' she asks for them.

Anyway bottom line I will just have to accept it's the way she is, even if the texts she sends to her crush that she shows me are very friendly and enthusiastic, just not send her/confide in anything anymore and distance myself.

Not everybody has to be the same no but when you often come away from interactions feeling rubbish, is it worth it ?

From this country*

She sounds like she's just not interested in anything you say or do. And she sounds just like my sister. Everything I say is met with a snarky obvious statement (ie. your friend seems nice and a reply of "well I wouldn't be their friend if they weren't" or "It's hot today isn't it?" Met with a reply of "well yeah, it's summer!"

OP, I'd not be interested in trying to keep this friendship afloat. I might even go so far as to pull her up on her shit before I went too. Or just do the exact same back and see if she notices. Might as well. You've nothing to lose. She's a shit friend and quite frankly a rude, ignorant cow.

you said already she is depressed and negative.
and you have shown this in your quoted remarks from her.

"Not everybody has to be the same no but when you often come away from interactions feeling rubbish, is it worth it ?"

It just sounds like you don't want to be her friend, so why continue? You like enthusiastic people, she is not. Especially if there are cultural differences. Many many people do not understand why the British sugarcoat everything and don't just answer bluntly. If you need that, that's just how it is and there's no point being friends.

Sorry to hear your sister is like that too :/ yeah, that's it, the obvious statements, it's just rude.

Once she told me, "well, believe it or not, different people have different opinions !"

Even when I made the effort to travel abroad to visit her she showed zero excitement, couldn't even be bothered meeting me at the station or whatever (she hadn't been working or anything) just gave me instructions to get to her door and barely cracked a smile when I arrived.

There are occasional times when she's happy and cheerful but they are rare. However when we skyped a friend at her house she was all gushing and excited, yet snappy with me because she was ill, that's why i've felt it's been directed at me.

Once on a night out (luckily it was light) I ended up separated from the group of friends in an unfamiliar city. It was my fault but still quite scary and the others came to look for me, she just found it funny and texted her friend to say how funny it had been.

I'm not asking someone to sugar coat everything, but there's a middle ground between that and what she's doing,and it's mainly aimed at me. So I think the only option is reducing contact.

Can't you really not understand that when you mention things like this to her, it's a reminder of what she doesn't have?

I have a similar friend, love her to bits but I know she struggles a lot with being single so I stick to conversations that don't involve all the great things in my life that she doesn't have. I don't want my company to make her feel down.

If I do mention a holiday or something else nice, I mention it batter if fact and move on, I don't expect her to act all excited for me.

Yes evidently I can understand it, that's why I hardly mention it. She also goes on holiday too. I've talked about my boyfriend maybe once or twice, it's not like i'm boasting about it all the time.

That's why i'm seeking to understand, I always try to encourage her to meet other men but she is set on this one guy, there's not really much else I can do.

But OP what I mean is that most cultures are far blunt than the British. Like they don't have these entire conversations of "wow that's lovely, oh how great, you're so gorgeous hun" etc. It's ok to be like that and it's ok not to.

eg if I said to my British friends "am I fat?", they'd go "noooo you look great, so lovely, you're so beautiful" and if I asked my Polish friends they'd say "yes" end of story.

There's nothing wrong with the British habit of greasing the wheels but it is quite different culutrally to the vast majority of the world.

It sounds like this friendship isn't working for you anymore

Yes I agree with that, I have several friends from this and other cultures, the point was that i've seen evidence that this behaviour is only directed at me, or mainly, if I saw it was towards everybody I wouldn't be asking.

@ItWasNotOK is it a culture thing to only be dismissive and rude to one person and emotional and gushy with others then? OP has repeatedly mentioned this through the thread.

I think you have your answer, on balance there’s more bad than good. She sounds like a joy-sucker to me.

Her behaviour when you visited was really unkind in my opinion, I would have deleted her number after that.

Do you think maybe you annoy her by being too gushing. I mean, making a fuss about how nice a nurse was taking your blood sounds a bit ott, and yes people do arrange leaving parties for everyone. Do you think maybe she thinks you are trying to make out you are special or they like you more?

Making a comment on it is not making a fuss really is it. If it annoys her, that's fine, it's just nice to see the positive in things and not always be pessimistic.
We don't work at the same company and my point was that not every single company has organised stuff like that, i'm well aware they do it for others, but some companies do nothing.

I do tell her when there's bad stuff too and the difference is that she's all over it with advice and what I should do etc. Which is quite a turn.

Some friends only seem to enjoy the friendship when there is some sort of drama or crisis I think. Otherwise they can find it dull, maybe she's one of these.

I just wondered whether you make comments like that all the time and she might be getting fed up with it. For example your comment about your holiday, people usually say have a nice time just before you go, not necessarily when you say you have just booked it. Maybe she thinks you are a bit ott and she is trying to calm you down by not being mega excited about everything you say.

When I read this I immediately thought that she doesn’t really give two hoots about you. She doesn’t see you as good a friend as you do her. You don’t know, she could be sending those photos to loads of people. When I was younger I’d write a genetic text and send it to everyone in my contacts list. Just cut her off. If she wouldn’t come to see you then what’s the point.

I get that, but i'm not really mega excited about everything I say, she can be like that sometimes just not in relation to me. For instance, we'd be outside with a group of people and she'll shout, "there's sunshine !!" whereas that's not really something i'd do.

We had this mutual friend and I wondered if she had a crush on her based on how she acted, if she did that's none of my business but she treated the two of us differently.

When she used to live in England i'd sometimes ask her on a Tuesday or whatever if she fancied making weekend plans. She'd tell me, "It's too early to say what i'm doing yet." obviously i'm not expecting her to be free for me every single weekend but it always felt like she would be waiting to see if she got a better offer first.

She would always gush about how this girl was 'such a good host' when she stayed over,, yet wouldn't even make the 20 minute train journey to mine but expected me to make it.

I invited her for dinner one night and she said 'can't sorry, i'm going to the gym.' she couldn't even miss the gym just once and make the effort.

I got her a leaving gift, and she got this other girl one and told me in detail what she had got her, 'lip balm for her dry lips' etc., but didn't get me anything.

OP, your friend sounds quite bitter and envious of you and your life, clearly hers isn’t going the way she’d like it to, so she’s being unpleasant. It’s a very unbalanced relationship where you are making most of the effort and getting little in return. After six years I think you can let it go, don’t put the effort in, don’t share anything but trivialities and keep it vague. I’d stop sending any pictures for her opinion, and hope she stops sending you photos which frankly sounds a bit strange?

Yeah, for instance she will send me 5 different poses of herself on the beach or whatever and ask me which one I prefer.

'None of them really, there's not much difference, you're just lying there.'

Before anyone asks 'why are you sending her photos of them ?' she asks for them.

'Oh I'll send some at some point - bit busy at the moment and it's not as if you ever say anything nice about them is it LOL'

Yet with regard to this guy she wants me to sugar coat it and say what she wants to hear. I've tried to give her the truth but she doesn't want it, and says she 'supported me with my boyfriend' so I should do the same.

'Hmm, don't I remember you once saying to me - "well, believe it or not, different people have different opinions !" - newsflash, I do have a different opinion, he's a twat. Don't think I'm being much of a friend by lying to you so guess you should suck it up.'

Sounds like you should try giving this nasty frenemy a taste of her own medicine. And watch in satisfaction as she flolunces. No, it's not worth coming away from interactions feeling shit. If you really can't do the above, be more subtle about it - don't contact her, minimise responses, and when she says something cutting simply replay with 'Wow, meow!' or similar, and leave it then for her to contact you.

You'll soon be rid.

Thanks, yeah those are good ideas to just be very vague and just not bother sharing things anymore. I know she's down about not having a family and it must be very hard to go through, i've tried my best to support her with that. I hardly ever mention my boyfriend and i'm certainly not rubbing it in.
At the same time, what sort of friendship is it if you are not allowed to share anything good or positive, ever ?

It is hard to tell if she's a frenemy or a true friend because she texts every day, even if it's mostly about her.