Not sure why friend is like this, anybody else experienced this ?

[EvePolastri938]

If you said to someone for instance that you were going on holiday (in usual times) they would say 'that's nice/have fun/have a good holiday' etc wouldn't they ?
If I said that to my friend, she'd say 'where are you going ?' and then 'oh right/ok'

Recently had a socially distanced meeting with my new boyfriend's family, and i've finally met a nice guy after a lot of bad luck. Most people would say 'i'm happy for you/that's great' etc. But she said absolutely nothing.

I used to send her my art but don't bother anymore as she never has anything to say, either compliments or feedback. I just sent her a character i'd drawn once and she just said "Don't know who that is."

She doesn't have to like things/care etc. But I just feel like she lacks the social awareness to even say things out of politeness.

She can also be quite dismissive too. I remember when I left my old job and they organised a leaving breakfast for me. It was really kind of them but she just said "Oh well they do that for anyone who's leaving."

When the nurse was so caring when I was giving blood, "Well, it's their job to be nice !"

When I comment on how a new friend of hers is nice "Well, he/she wouldn't be my friend if they weren't !"

I don't always boast about myself or only say good things, i've spent an entire year with her talking about some guy she likes, and I talk about any problems i've had too.

I know she's depressed about being single and not having a family (she's said) but I'm not sure why she's like this, it's just very draining and negative. I've tried to tell her once before but nothing has changed. Any opinions ?

Have tried asking for specific responses? Like... rate my drawing on a scale of 1 to 10?

I think I know how to do all the social politeness stuff - mm, lovely, that's nice, well done, etc. But, it is just stuff you have to say because society expects it. Maybe she feels she doesn't have to pretend with you and doesn't put on the social mask? Or... maybe she is just a grouchy pessimist who doesn't care as much about you as you care about her. Only you can decide; we don't know your friend.

My mum is like this, it’s really upsetting

Is she like that with everyone, or just you?

If it's just you, then she's a crap friend (my sister is like that to me, it's really hurtful, I've given up trying to find out why; other people have noticed she treats me really coldly for no reason, and can't make sense of it either. She says she's got Borderline Personality Disorder, and somehow that should explain and excuse her treating me like shit, but, whatever... I'm not a punching bag)

If it's also with other people... could be something like Aspergers. I've met quite a few people like that in my work life. Unsettling, but nothing personal, so easier to accept.
Or, some people are neurotypical, but have never been properly socialised (e.g. abusive upbringing), so they suck at small-talk interactions (they can learn!)

Also, is it a new trait? (If so, could be more like depression)
Or has she always been like that?

... In any case, odds are: it's not you, it's her.

OP... life it too fucking short to surround yourself with poisonous clowns .. that take no greater pleasure than putting you down.. and sucking the joy out of every breath they breathe... her depression or potential diagnosis of 'whatever' is really not your problem... so tell her to get to fuck and live your life free of twats like her...

She doesn’t sound like she cares very much about your issues, tbh. Very ‘meh’.

Could she have Aspergers? I’m only asking as she sounds exactly like one of my close friends who does. Her responses are almost identical to the examples you’ve given but she’s not meaning to be rude it just how she sees things.

If I send her a nice photo of my children, who she loves, she won’t say ‘oh how lovely’ or anything like that she’ll say ‘where are they?’ Or ‘what are they looking at?’ She interoperates the world differently and therefore responds differently.

OMG OP, get rid of her.

I don't always boast about myself or only say good things, i've spent an entire year with her talking about some guy she likes, and I talk about any problems i've had too.

So does she expect you to be interested in everything she does? How would she react if you behaved like this with her?

I have a friend like this, but I have always put it down to her autism. Undiagnosed - was never assessed, but it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows anything about autism, especially in females. She can really struggle to understand social cues.

I do sometimes find her quite rude, but I know she doesn't do it to be rude. I just take certain things she says or doesn't say, with a pinch of salt and remember that autism is basically like a social dyslexia, so day to day life is much more difficult to navigate.

Of course that might not be why your friend behaves this way and if she just isn't interested in you and or your life, then I'd say it's time to walk away from this friendship, but I do think it's worth considering.

Do you have mutual friends? Do they agree with you?

Get rid of her. Sounds like an energy vampire

@BumbleBeee69

OP... life it too fucking short to surround yourself with poisonous clowns .. that take no greater pleasure than putting you down.. and sucking the joy out of every breath they breathe... her depression or potential diagnosis of 'whatever' is really not your problem... so tell her to get to fuck and live your life free of twats like her...

Hear hear. Couldn’t agree more. I particularly like “poisonous clowns” 😂

OP, stop wondering why, just pull away. Don’t waste your energy.

The thing is, when you stop allowing idiots to sap your energy, you make space in your life for decent people. Don’t be afraid of losing a friend if the friendship doesn’t bring you any pleasure.

Just sounds like she's quite matter of fact about things, doesn't sugar coat everything.

I know someone a bit like this. They say they are unhappy but they never seem to find any joy in anything. What ever you do they find a negative to point out.

@BumbleBeee69 😂🙌

I have a similar friend OP - a friend of over 20 years...

Over time she’s become a frenemy. I could feel it for years but kept glossing over or making excuses; when I had good news or was doing well she would “jokey” comment about how I was likely to ruin it, and when I rebuffed the negative spin she would just have a really fucked off expression and obviously be physically tense, usually going monosyllabic and/or just leaving with suddenly becoming “tired”.

When anything went wrong she would be basically slathering with delight, lusting after every detail with glinting eyes and a “loving it” face.

I’d just left an abusive relationship; I was slowly re-building my life but it became very clear she didn’t like me doing well - certainly not ‘better’ than her. My boundaries were still skewed from the relationship hence her behaviour was really confusing as we have so many shared happy times - I thought it was me.

I then got a bloody amazing job - earning a lot more than her (not that this even crossed my mind!).

She questioned me about my salary (which made me extremely uncomfortable/tried not to answer) but kept going until I just told her - then was inwardly raging, unable to look at me and quickly leaving. The scales fell from my eyes - she’s not my friend.

Sorry for the long message, but just to say - life is too short for this negative, mood-hoovering bullshit.

It’s terrible for self esteem to be seeking validation/sharing your joy with someone who doesn’t really give a f about you and/or treats you with contempt or apathy; with friends like that who needs enemies? Onwards and upwards!

Thanks for the replies ! I agree, there's no need to sugar coat everything, but when you never sound happy or supportive about anything it's different.

I don't think she is on the autistic spectrum, or not that I know of, because as I mentioned she doesn't do this to everybody.

Another example was when I got the highest mark on our training course. Instead of saying 'congratulations' for doing well, she told me how it would 'make the next part of the course harder for me' with a smirk. It didn’t.

Yet with regard to this guy she wants me to sugar coat it and say what she wants to hear. I've tried to give her the truth but she doesn't want it, and says she 'supported me with my boyfriend' so I should do the same.
We talked about my boyfriend for one day, and we have been talking about this guy for a year, it's hardly the same.

Why is showing interest in where you're going on holiday undesirable, as opposed to showing no interest and offering an empty "that's nice"? "That's nice" (which most people don't really mean) closes the conversation, asking where you're going opens a conversation. Especially if you're talking online! If someone I care about tells me they're going on holiday I ask where because I want to know more.

If I send her a nice photo of my children, who she loves, she won’t say ‘oh how lovely’ or anything like that she’ll say ‘where are they?’ Or ‘what are they looking at?’ She interoperates the world differently and therefore responds differently

But why do you want a bland, closed response rather than her engaging with what was going on for the people she loves when the photo was taken?

To me "oh that's lovely" sounds like disinterest. Like when people ask "how are you?" but walk off without waiting for a reply because they don't actually care.

This bullshit version of politeness where people say things that sound caring while acting in ways that demonstrate they don't is really shite. I don't think it shows superior social skills to go around without meaningfully engaging with anyone, just better conformation to dysfunctional cultural norms.

Sounds the friendship has run its course. This happens and I think it’s ok to left friendships drift away if they’re no longer working. I’ve had a few drift and it’s sad at the time, but if your not getting much out of it then I’d say let it go.

If it's not making you feel good, then start distancing. She seems quite dismissive of your needs.

My mother is like this. When I got accepted into a fairly competitive masters program she laughed and said “Universities are so desperate for fees these days they’ll accept anyone.” When we told her I was pregnant she refused to look at the “creepy” ultrasound images and promptly changed the subject. Then rolled her eyes and said we’d spoken enough about me when I later excused myself from dinner as I wasn’t feeling well because of morning sickness. And again when I got headhunted for a job said she was shocked given I had “done nothing” in my career. I could go on but you get the gist.

It’s sad, OP, because it feels like they suck the joy out of things. For the record my mother is a very bitter and negative woman. I now never share good news with her. Maybe your friend just doesn’t have good people skills, but if she’s like my mother I’d seriously rethink the friendship. It’s very draining when you have to keep your walls up to preserve your joy and optimism around people.

I know exactly what you mean OP as had a friend like this. So weird because we started off well but then it seemed as soon as I got a boyfriend she turned very negative and made me cry on more than one occasion! I slowly cut her out but re entry she sent me a very thoughtful gift in the post, but then is still very standoffish in texts despite my effusive thank yous. Meh I’ll never get it, I’ve got other friends who are amazing so I’ll just let her do her own thing and wish her well from a distance! I find it’s the healthiest thing sometimes.

*recently

@user1294625849274

Why is showing interest in where you're going on holiday undesirable, as opposed to showing no interest and offering an empty "that's nice"? "That's nice" (which most people don't really mean) closes the conversation, asking where you're going opens a conversation. Especially if you're talking online! If someone I care about tells me they're going on holiday I ask where because I want to know more.

If I send her a nice photo of my children, who she loves, she won’t say ‘oh how lovely’ or anything like that she’ll say ‘where are they?’ Or ‘what are they looking at?’ She interoperates the world differently and therefore responds differently

But why do you want a bland, closed response rather than her engaging with what was going on for the people she loves when the photo was taken?

To me "oh that's lovely" sounds like disinterest. Like when people ask "how are you?" but walk off without waiting for a reply because they don't actually care.

This bullshit version of politeness where people say things that sound caring while acting in ways that demonstrate they don't is really shite. I don't think it shows superior social skills to go around without meaningfully engaging with anyone, just better conformation to dysfunctional cultural norms.

That being said I do agree with this. ☝🏻

I hate when people follow the vacuous politeness script. But there is a happy medium between being dismissive and negative and falsely enthusiastic.

Either way, there are plenty of genuine people in the world who are positive and honest. Life’s too short to waste on the other gaff.

*guff

She sounds a bit like my ASD daughter. She can respond to things, learned responses, but can’t really add to the conversation. The holiday example is exactly like her. Your friend example is very like her too. I mean it’s obvious to her, she wouldn’t be friends with someone who isn’t nice so of course you liked her. She is also very literal to the point of rudeness. If her friend is really exited about something my daughter will flatly reply “ok”. She doesn’t understand how to respond. It’s not happening to her so why would she be happy about her friends news? My daughter is very selfish and conversation is pretty much one way. She can’t help it but I fully understand why people don’t want to be with her.

All this talk about insincere standard replies or the lack of them.

If a friend of mine had got a new bf or gf and they sounded nice I would genuinely be delighted for them. Same if they get recognition in their career, studies or hobbies.

Artwork is different because we all have different tastes, which doesn't mean that the art is good or bad. I hate the work of some top artists too. I wouldn't enthuse over something I don't like, but I would be polite.

Maybe just draw back from this friendship a bit. In the end, she can't do you much harm at a distance and perhaps with time you will understand the enigma of her behaviour

Probably I'm a bit like that. I'm just not an effusive person and I can't do the whole 'wow, that's great' perky thing that many others can.

If you're not into it, just don't be friends with her or don't get into topics that provoke responses you don't like. Not everyone has to be the same.