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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation with friend.

95 replies

normalgirl · 20/07/2020 14:42

I have been friends with this person since 2005.She is unfortunately in the middle of a nasty divorce and has had to move out of her house beside mine to an apartment last week.I have so far been very supportive ,checking up on her ,inviting her over frequently for dinner/drinks etc.
I have felt she has always taken me for granted,but that could be because she considers me her closest friend.
Just before she was due to move,I texted her on Tuesday and invited her over for a few drinks on Thursday to say goodbye.However she said she was knackered with all the packing and was not sure if she could come and would let me know closer to the time.
I hadn’t heard back from her at 17.30 on Thursday and assumed she wasn’t coming and decided to have a barbecue in the garden with my husband and children.
I got a text from her at 18.00 asking whether she could come .It was too late by then as she is vegetarian and we had absolutely nothing for her to eat and we had already started eating dinner.I did not text her back and then she had frantically called me three times.
After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise ,but she was angry abd was very rude to me about how she had to get dinner from Nando’s and was really quite rude.
This may seem trivial to all of you,but the guilt is killing me.I could have texted her back and asked her to come and I could have cobbled up something for her to eat and waved her a proper goodbye.
But this sense of entitlement ,that she could text me at 18.00 on the day she was supposed to come without caring that I may have other plans left me fuming.
However I now worry,I have upset her and feel it is my fault .
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 20/07/2020 14:52

I voted YABU because I think half five is too early to assume a good friend who's been busy packing all day, and said she'd let you know nearer the time, isn't coming. Furthermore, you'd invited her for drinks, not food, so not having any veg options shouldn't have mattered (and as you say, you could have thrown her something together, or you could have explained and asked her to join you for drinks after she'd eaten). Also, having realised she was hoping to accept an invitation you'd extended, you should have replied immediately, not just ignored her. In fact, is this a reverse?

ShyTown · 20/07/2020 15:00

You invited her for drinks, not dinner so I don’t see how the barbecue part is relevant. 6pm isn’t that late to let you know when she was packing all day. I don’t see why you didn’t reply and say we’re eating dinner with the kids so why don’t you pop over for a drink at x time when we’ll be done?

EhUp · 20/07/2020 15:05

What time did you end up phoning her?

If you had a loose arrangement to meet on Thursday evening then ignoring her texts/calls was a bit mean but assuming you didn't leave it hours and hours before phoning back she is being a bit precious

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 15:05

Would it have killed to text "sorry X, I thought you were still busy and wouldn't come so I've made other plans/we're having a BBQ now. How about you come over tomorrow?". Or text on the day to ask.

Whatever higher moral ground you might've had(and it wasn't that much to begin with) when you childishly ignored her while she was probably trying to figure out if she should get showered, get dressed or not etc or just crash on the sofa and rest.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2020 15:09

Couldn’t you have said I didn’t think you were coming so I haven’t got anything for you. Can you grab something on the way over?

Did you really mean the bit where you said you asked her to apologise or did I read that wrong?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2020 15:11

You rang her and asked her to apologise for ringing you 3 times? or?

maxdash · 20/07/2020 15:11

My good friends, going through a hard time can come over any time, day or night at any level of notice. For food, we make do.

Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 15:11

She texted at 18.00 to ask she could come at 19.30 .I phoned her back at 20.30.m and asked her to come over .She angrily said she was now getting her dinner from Nando’s and was too tired and was going home.
I know ,I know,I feel like a heel now.
I had felt taken for granted for several months and that had been playing in my mind leading me to do this.
Very silly of me.
I will phone and apologise.

OP posts:
TheOrigBrave · 20/07/2020 15:12

Under the circumstances I think you should be bending over backwards to accommodate her being all over the place right now.
Friendships are dynamic and at the moment she needs you to invest more and support her.

You know you didn't do this hence the guilt.

If you are good friends you'll make it up.

Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 15:13

Sorry,that was a typo!I phoned her to apologise not asked her to apologise!

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 20/07/2020 15:14

I dont understand the issue. You invited her for drinks, not food, why couldn't she pop around to share a bottle of wine? Did you really ask her to apologise after you didn't reply quickly to prove a point? Probably a good thing she is moving, you may have lost a friend there.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/07/2020 15:15

@normalgirl

She texted at 18.00 to ask she could come at 19.30 .I phoned her back at 20.30.m and asked her to come over .She angrily said she was now getting her dinner from Nando’s and was too tired and was going home. I know ,I know,I feel like a heel now. I had felt taken for granted for several months and that had been playing in my mind leading me to do this. Very silly of me. I will phone and apologise.
Yeah I mean you could have just replied to her though. You would probably have been finished your food by then anyway
Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 15:18

Her divorce has been going on for the last 18 months and I have been very supportive .I thought I was a good friend until now.
I feel so terrible.
Will get in touch with her.

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 20/07/2020 15:18

Ahh, cross posted. Now you have explained it changes the perspective completely. I don't think you need to feel guilty. It sound like an unfortunate misunderstanding. If she thought you were feeding her then she really should have replied before 6pm.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 15:18

I had felt taken for granted for several months and that had been playing in my mind leading me to do this.

If the friendship is to continue, then you need to sort this out. Reacting out of anger or stubbornly digging your heels in on minor issues it's only going to ruin it all. It might end anyways, but hopefully with less drama and hurt.

sonjadog · 20/07/2020 15:30

I think YABU. She said she might be too tired and would let you know, and then when she did, you ignored her and tried to make her apologize? I think you were completely in the wrong here.

Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 15:40

I phoned her to apologise to her and not at ask her to apologise!!Unfortunate typo.
Anyway,hopefully we can sort this out .Thank yiu for your replies.It has given me a fresh perspective on things.

OP posts:
TinyMetalBirds · 20/07/2020 15:42

I think you should have texted her back at 6, since you saw the message, just saying as I didn't hear from you we are already eating but come round if you like. However she also should not have got irate about it, as she had left it pretty late to confirm.

Ohtherewearethen · 20/07/2020 15:43

You really didn't explain it very well in your OP. I mean that politely, I first of a voted YABU but changed it after your further explanation. It sounds like a misunderstanding and tempers are probably a bit frayed at the moment. Id give her s ring to explain you didn't hear your phone or whatever and you'd love to see her tonight instead of she's free.

Branleuse · 20/07/2020 15:45

yanbu. Someone going through a bad time is not an excuse to act dickish, and no way should she have been angry. If she couldnt get in touch she could have just turned up with a bottle of wine

sonjadog · 20/07/2020 15:47

Oh, I see. If you didn't ask her to apologize then it is just a minor disagreement! I would ring and have a chat about it. I don't think it should be a big deal.

Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 15:51

Thanks all!

OP posts:
Devlesko · 20/07/2020 15:59

Why should she have apologised for calling you, I don't get it.
It's not like you answered and were inconvenienced.
If a friend can make you so angry it's not worth the bother tbh.
Neither of you sound good friends to each other, I'd call it a day.

HemulenHouse · 20/07/2020 16:01

Did you text before BBQ to say, Hey we’re going to push on with dinner now. Or were you secretly hoping you wouldn’t have to bother?

RB68 · 20/07/2020 16:09

Yanbu but at the same time she is in a dreadful place so I would have cut her some slack and actually would have had something on hand for her even if it ended up in the freezer - just in case

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