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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Situation with friend.

95 replies

normalgirl · 20/07/2020 14:42

I have been friends with this person since 2005.She is unfortunately in the middle of a nasty divorce and has had to move out of her house beside mine to an apartment last week.I have so far been very supportive ,checking up on her ,inviting her over frequently for dinner/drinks etc.
I have felt she has always taken me for granted,but that could be because she considers me her closest friend.
Just before she was due to move,I texted her on Tuesday and invited her over for a few drinks on Thursday to say goodbye.However she said she was knackered with all the packing and was not sure if she could come and would let me know closer to the time.
I hadn’t heard back from her at 17.30 on Thursday and assumed she wasn’t coming and decided to have a barbecue in the garden with my husband and children.
I got a text from her at 18.00 asking whether she could come .It was too late by then as she is vegetarian and we had absolutely nothing for her to eat and we had already started eating dinner.I did not text her back and then she had frantically called me three times.
After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise ,but she was angry abd was very rude to me about how she had to get dinner from Nando’s and was really quite rude.
This may seem trivial to all of you,but the guilt is killing me.I could have texted her back and asked her to come and I could have cobbled up something for her to eat and waved her a proper goodbye.
But this sense of entitlement ,that she could text me at 18.00 on the day she was supposed to come without caring that I may have other plans left me fuming.
However I now worry,I have upset her and feel it is my fault .
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/07/2020 15:09

This has been the theme of our friendship where I apologise immediately for any perceived slight and nearly kill myself feeling guilty
I'm guessing this drink/dinner mix up is just the latest in a long line of things that have happened which have been turned round on you?

Emotional manipulators are very good at that....they have you questioning yourself and your every move.....got you taking full responsibility for how they feel.

when are you going to stand up for yourself?
why do you feel you need to be absolutely 'perfect' on all fronts?
Just cos she's going through stuff doesn't justify her treating you like shit.

I don't think you have anything to apologise for.
Leave the ball in her court, stop giving her your energy - and next time you speak to her don't take any crap from her!

betteliefsen · 21/07/2020 15:52

I hadn’t heard back from her at 17.30 on Thursday and assumed she wasn’t coming and decided to have a barbecue in the garden with my husband and children.

That's a reasonable decision. However you didn't have food in for your friend to eat so what would have happened if she had texted you earlier in the day to accept? It sounds to me like you didn't want her to come anyway.

After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise

Why were you asking her to apologise?

Atadaddicted · 21/07/2020 17:19

* This has been the theme of our friendship where I apologise immediately for any perceived slight and nearly kill myself feeling guilty*

On the basis of this thread though OP, you do mishandle situations and possibly should be apologising in these previous scenarios

Original poster

normalgirl · 22/07/2020 11:23

Update:
I got a text back from her saying that I had scuppered her evening as she had received offers from her other friends and it was disappointing she had ended up alone for the evening.
I apologised again and suggested we meet another time.

OP posts:

peardrops1 · 22/07/2020 11:56

She doesn't actually sound very nice! Do you definitely want to continue the friendship? There doesn't seem to be much give and take (from her end, anyway!).

WildfirePonie · 22/07/2020 12:32

But she could have taken up her friends offer after not being able to get hold of you?

She sounds like hard work..

Original poster

normalgirl · 22/07/2020 17:56

I looked back through all the texts we have exchanged over the last 2 years.It is always the same,it is almost like she is blaming me for all her ills abd I am responsible for her happiness!
Agreed,she is going through a shitty time,but I have been a very good and supportive friend.However,I have my own life too with all it’s stresses.Previously common friends have told me to cut her some slack as she is over sensitive due to circumstances etc.But is she going to act like the victim forever?

OP posts:

heartsonacake · 22/07/2020 18:57

@WildfirePonie

But she could have taken up her friends offer after not being able to get hold of you?

She sounds like hard work..

How long is she meant to wait for the OP to get back to her before taking up another offer?

OP deliberately ignored her. That is exceptionally rude and she did muck up her friends plans for the evening because the friend couldn’t make any other plans.

Original poster

normalgirl · 22/07/2020 19:01

Would you wait until 18.00 to text somebody that you can meet at 19.30 the same day?So she told her other friends she couldn’t meet them,but just forgot to inform me?
I should not have ignored her message and for that I feel like a total heel.And I have apologised twice.

OP posts:

heartsonacake · 22/07/2020 19:07

@normalgirl

Would you wait until 18.00 to text somebody that you can meet at 19.30 the same day?So she told her other friends she couldn’t meet them,but just forgot to inform me? I should not have ignored her message and for that I feel like a total heel.And I have apologised twice.

She asked if she could come, and she said she would contact you closer to the time which is exactly what she did. You were free to say “yes, but I don’t have much in for you, can you bring anything?” or “no, sorry, it’s a bit too late now” so she knew where she stood.

I don’t see her as playing the victim; I see that as your role here.

SmileyClare · 22/07/2020 19:13

Has she moved quite far away? Now might be a good time to move the friendship to messaging and the odd catch up phone call.

I think you've resented how she treats you, all her drama and taking offence at little things for some time now and are too nice to say anything. It came to a head when she left you waiting all day over a drinks invite. It was a little childish to ignore her call that evening but be honest, you were pissed off.

Now she's guilt tripping you after you apologised twice. There was no mention of meeting other friends on the evening in question . she was guilt tripping you about having to get vegetarian Nandos.

I'm calling bullshit.

Stop apologising. Just text I'm here if you want to talk or catch up and leave it.

Original poster

normalgirl · 22/07/2020 19:14

Point taken!

OP posts:

Original poster

normalgirl · 22/07/2020 19:17

Thank you.Makes me feel a little better about the situation.She has only moved to another place in the same city so will be seeing her again in the not so distant future.
Thanks again.

OP posts:

monkeymonkey2010 · 22/07/2020 19:29

if you keep enabling her she will.....

SeasonFinale · 23/07/2020 07:23

Sorry but to me it sounds like you are acting as the victim.

Mywifeandkids1 · 23/07/2020 07:37

You are BOTH wrong. Maybe you need to re evaluate this friendship. She should really have text you sooner and kept you in the loop.. sorry normalgirl but it’s been a really busy day do you mind if I let you know last min?... or you could have equally messaged... hi friend please let me know your plans for later so I can arrange dinner! ....

MrDarcysMa · 23/07/2020 07:43

You phoned her asking her to apologise? Jesus Christ. She's going through a divorce and all over the place and won't want to be tied down to plans.
You could have just replied to the text saying 'We've started eating and I've got no veggie food in, too late, unless you want to pop around and bring something ?'

Sounds like too don't actually like each other.

MrDarcysMa · 23/07/2020 07:45

Oops just read the updates op.

nettie434 · 23/07/2020 08:15

@normalgirl

Update: I got a text back from her saying that I had scuppered her evening as she had received offers from her other friends and it was disappointing she had ended up alone for the evening. I apologised again and suggested we meet another time.

Did one of those offers from other friends fall through? Was she planning on meeting them? If she had planned to go to one of them and that fell through, that might explain why she left it so late to contact you.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 23/07/2020 08:17

Oof. She sounds like hard work. Sure, you could have rung her back sooner but equally she left it really late to say she wanted to come round. It wasn't anything formal, I don't see the big deal.

I don't think you owed her an apology and there's certainly no grounds for her still to be griping about it now, AFTER you've grovelled.

I would seriously be re-evaluating this friendship. She sounds like an emotional manipulator who knows how to press your buttons.

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