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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation with friend.

95 replies

normalgirl · 20/07/2020 14:42

I have been friends with this person since 2005.She is unfortunately in the middle of a nasty divorce and has had to move out of her house beside mine to an apartment last week.I have so far been very supportive ,checking up on her ,inviting her over frequently for dinner/drinks etc.
I have felt she has always taken me for granted,but that could be because she considers me her closest friend.
Just before she was due to move,I texted her on Tuesday and invited her over for a few drinks on Thursday to say goodbye.However she said she was knackered with all the packing and was not sure if she could come and would let me know closer to the time.
I hadn’t heard back from her at 17.30 on Thursday and assumed she wasn’t coming and decided to have a barbecue in the garden with my husband and children.
I got a text from her at 18.00 asking whether she could come .It was too late by then as she is vegetarian and we had absolutely nothing for her to eat and we had already started eating dinner.I did not text her back and then she had frantically called me three times.
After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise ,but she was angry abd was very rude to me about how she had to get dinner from Nando’s and was really quite rude.
This may seem trivial to all of you,but the guilt is killing me.I could have texted her back and asked her to come and I could have cobbled up something for her to eat and waved her a proper goodbye.
But this sense of entitlement ,that she could text me at 18.00 on the day she was supposed to come without caring that I may have other plans left me fuming.
However I now worry,I have upset her and feel it is my fault .
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Atadaddicted · 20/07/2020 17:39

I’d cut her slack. Big time.
Bad time
Moving day

And yes - for a good friend damn right you could have cobbled something together

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 17:43

She was BU because she left it to 6pm to decide she wants to come for a meal,

She asked to come for drinks, which is what was planned.

Bouledeneige · 20/07/2020 17:45

I dont think it was unreasonable of her to leave it till 6. She was packing up her house in very difficult circumstances and told you she wasn't sure whether she could come or not. She was just next door so what would have been the harm in letting her come round for a drink when you'd started eating? If you had alcohol in it really wasn't going to cause you any extra bother at all. If she'd wanted to order some food in to your house she could have done.

Sure she was a bit unreasonable to snap at you about it. But have you ever been in the desperate place she's in? It would have meant a lot that she could at least have a drink with a friend to end that unhappy period of her life as offered by you. She will have felt really shit to find out she wasn't welcome afterall.

nononononon · 20/07/2020 17:53

I would normally say yabu in this situation but if you have been feeling taken for granted lately I can see why you did it. I did something similar to a friend recently because I had built up a load of bad feeling after being dropped at short notice and not got back to. Afterwards i felt really bad about it but actually it was the first sign that the friendship was coming to an end.

sixswans · 20/07/2020 18:07

I don't really think you've done anything wrong. I hate the assumption that we all have our phones on us all the time and read messages immediately, especially around dinner time

Ingridla · 20/07/2020 18:10

YABVU

One of my so called best friends dropped me as I was going through my divorce as apparently I didn't let her know what I was doing enough.

Fuck that. My head was all over the place and I was going through hell. Yet she made it about her somehow. That's not a friend. She was one of my bridesmaids. Still hurts.

Poor show OP

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 18:14

@sixswans but OP did see the text and the timeline and chose to reply 2 hours later.

monkeymonkey2010 · 20/07/2020 18:16

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble
She messaged at 6 to ask if she can come for the drinks at 7:30

the friend was expecting to be FED - that's why she whinged about having to eat from Nando's......

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 18:20

@monkeymonkey2010

She texted at 18.00 to ask she could come at 19.30 .I phoned her back at 20.30.m and asked her to come over .She angrily said she was now getting her dinner from Nando’s and was too tired and was going home.

OP's own words. No mention of expecting to be fed, just that friend ordered a takeaway and was waiting for it. Probably as a reason as to why she wouldn't be going to OP's house at 8:30z

sst1234 · 20/07/2020 18:25

OP you are being too hard on yourself. She sounds like hard work, to be honest.

unfortunateevents · 20/07/2020 18:30

I don't really understand what the issue with vegetarian food is? You asked her for drinks, not to eat. She texted at 6, asking if she could come at 7.30, if you were already eating at 6 surely dinner was going to be completely over and done with by the time she turned up anyway? And then you took 2.5 hours to respond to her? Oh dear.

IslandbreezeNZ · 20/07/2020 18:34

I think you should have cut her some slack. She is obviously going through a really awful time and might not be herself right now.

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 18:38

There seems to be an expectation from both OP and her friend that the ‘drinks’ would have included food, given OP says she had no veggie food in and friend complained she got food from Nando’s.

SeasonFinale · 20/07/2020 18:40

The friend didn't expect to be fed. She was waiting for OP to text back She waited a while and then went to get her dinner so it was then too late.

Of course OP wanted an apology. No way is that a typo. It was when the thread was going against her she pretended it was a typo!

Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 19:24

That was an unfortunate typo!I called her to apologise to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
normalgirl · 20/07/2020 19:27

I WhatsApped her to say I was sorry that I couldn’t send her off in the manner I wanted to and hoped she was settling well.She has seen me message but has jut replied.
This has been the theme of our friendship where I apologise immediately for any perceived slight and nearly kill myself feeling guilty.
I guess the ball is now in her court .
Thank you all .

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 20/07/2020 19:28

YABU. Why didn’t you just text her back and say “sorry, it’s too late” rather than ignoring her?

Delbelleber · 20/07/2020 19:33

I think you were both abit unreasonable.

popples19 · 20/07/2020 19:50

I think it sounds like she is going through a really shitty time and you're not giving her any slack. She probably thinks you're being a shit friend too.

forrestgreen · 20/07/2020 19:51

All quite odd.
You invited her for drinks but were upset you didn't have food for her.
She's been rude for months but you decided to stand your ground on her last night there.

Wearywithteens · 20/07/2020 19:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 20:03

This has been the theme of our friendship where I apologise immediately for any perceived slight and nearly kill myself feeling guilty.

But it's not a perceived slight, OP! You left her hanging for 2.5 hours!! There's nothing 'perceived' about it!

Maybe just reply and then you don't have to nearly kill yourself?

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 20:04

No vegetarian stuff at your barbecue? doesn’t everyone do at least a bit of corn on the cob or salad? (Sorry, missing the main point of the thread but thought wall to wall meat was a bit outré these days!)

We are terminally lazy so only bbq once a year but it really is wall to wall meat that one day.

FindingNeeeeemo · 20/07/2020 20:31

I just would have been honest and said I didn't realise you were coming, so there's no veggie food but you can have drinks/bring your own burgers etc..

Japa · 21/07/2020 10:33

Moving is very stressful, and even more so when it is due to a divorce. She was obviously not at her best. I think that you should make peace with her and let it go.