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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Situation with friend.

95 replies

normalgirl · 20/07/2020 14:42

I have been friends with this person since 2005.She is unfortunately in the middle of a nasty divorce and has had to move out of her house beside mine to an apartment last week.I have so far been very supportive ,checking up on her ,inviting her over frequently for dinner/drinks etc.
I have felt she has always taken me for granted,but that could be because she considers me her closest friend.
Just before she was due to move,I texted her on Tuesday and invited her over for a few drinks on Thursday to say goodbye.However she said she was knackered with all the packing and was not sure if she could come and would let me know closer to the time.
I hadn’t heard back from her at 17.30 on Thursday and assumed she wasn’t coming and decided to have a barbecue in the garden with my husband and children.
I got a text from her at 18.00 asking whether she could come .It was too late by then as she is vegetarian and we had absolutely nothing for her to eat and we had already started eating dinner.I did not text her back and then she had frantically called me three times.
After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise ,but she was angry abd was very rude to me about how she had to get dinner from Nando’s and was really quite rude.
This may seem trivial to all of you,but the guilt is killing me.I could have texted her back and asked her to come and I could have cobbled up something for her to eat and waved her a proper goodbye.
But this sense of entitlement ,that she could text me at 18.00 on the day she was supposed to come without caring that I may have other plans left me fuming.
However I now worry,I have upset her and feel it is my fault .
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 20/07/2020 16:11

Nandos is an odd choice for a vegetarian isn't it?

I think it was quite mean of her to make you feel guilty that she had to buy her own dinner. Confused

Agree with pps, she's probably all over the place at mo and is lashing out a bit at those close to her. Cut her some slack.

Hope you can make it up. In an ideal world, you'd both apologise but hey ho.

HogDogKetchup · 20/07/2020 16:12

Think you just need to draw a line under this and say you’re sorry. I’m sure she’ll say the same and you can go back to being friends. This really isn’t important.

TheNavigator · 20/07/2020 16:14

It seems you didn't call her or text her back right away to punish her, because you for taken for granted. On that basis YABU and pass agg. You should have answered her initial text and dealt with your feelings towards her separately, not kicked her when she was down.

CuppaZa · 20/07/2020 16:14

I think lockdown has really made some relationships/people become very strange indeed.

Melonslicexx · 20/07/2020 16:17

It depends what sort of person you are. I like notice. I'm abit of an introvert too. I'd probably have text her before starting the BBQ and explained your plan and said let me know if you are coming. You had a family to feed so you are not being rude sorting out tea for your family.

starfishmummy · 20/07/2020 16:26

As she wasn't asked fkr a meal she is being rather unreasonable. I'd also expect "I'll let you knkw nearer the time" to mean earlier in the day and not at the last minute!

ChangeThePassword · 20/07/2020 16:32

This is the oddest thread.

Op seems to not want to address the issue of why she'd need to cater for a vegetarian when they've been invited for drinks... Hmm

monkeymonkey2010 · 20/07/2020 16:32

I have felt she has always taken me for granted,but that could be because she considers me her closest friend
Close friends don't take you for granted!
Really op? Is this what you've been taught about relationships?
Is this how you treat the people you consider close friends???

she is vegetarian and we had absolutely nothing for her to eat and we had already started eating dinner
I wouldn't reply to someone inviting themselves for dinner whilst i'm eating it either!
Do you always drop what you're doing to attend to her 'needs'?
Cos it sounds like she expects you to - and then goes nuclear on you with the verbal onslaught and emotional manipulation when you dare assert your boundary.....

She has no manners yet feels entitled to snap her fingers and have you dancing to her tune.

TinyMetalBirds · 20/07/2020 16:36

@ChangeThePassword

This is the oddest thread.

Op seems to not want to address the issue of why she'd need to cater for a vegetarian when they've been invited for drinks... Hmm

Or why the vegetarian chose to get her dinner from Nandos! They do have a nice beany salad thing, but it usually comes with a hunk of chicken on top.
Comefromaway · 20/07/2020 16:40

I'd have expected to have heard from her by Thursday lunchtime at the latest. Phoning to come at 6pm is far too late. We eat at 6pm so I'd have had to start preparing at 5pm latest.

WendyHoused · 20/07/2020 16:41

I don't understand why you wouldn't say 7:30 was fine. It was just a drinks invitation, who cares when she rocks up for that?

Thisismytimetoshine · 20/07/2020 16:44

I phoned her asking her to apologise
How is that a typo? Hmm

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 16:48

@monkeymonkey2010

I wouldn't reply to someone inviting themselves for dinner whilst i'm eating it either!

Friend didn't invite herself over for dinner! She messaged at 6 to ask if she can come for the drinks at 7:30. OP didn't reply until after 8 so friend obviously gave up, sat her tired ass on the sofa and ordered a take away after a day of packing.

The friend was probably cross because she had that period of do I get in the shower do i not, should I get dressed, should I start getting ready etc with no reply until an hour after she was supposed to be at OP's house.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 20/07/2020 16:50

You kept her hanging for two and half hours to punish her because you feel taken advantage of. That's pretty shitty when you know she's at a low point.

Notredamn · 20/07/2020 16:55

If you'd have put the oven on rather than a BBQ to have dinner with your family, would you still feel guilty? You were only eating with your family, not holding a big event.
She didn't 'have to' eat a Nando's, she could've opened her freezer or cupboard like she'd do any other day anyway!
(Ps I'm a veggie who loves a Nando's)

suggestionsplease1 · 20/07/2020 16:57

I think it was a bit rude of her to have not contacted you earlier - even if it was just to say along the lines of 'Hi, I'm remembering you've asked me over this eve...I'm a bit rushed now with things so still not sure if I'll be able to make it, but will text you early eve if that's ok'?

It's just a courtesy thing. And especially when you feel you've been taken for granted in the past, I'm not too surprised you feel resentful.

And yeah, I guess you could have contacted her to clarify her plans, but that always puts you on the back foot, chasing her when you've already kindly offered an invitation. It would really p* me off if I had to do that with friends!

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 20/07/2020 17:04

She texted at 18.00 to ask she could come at 19.30 .I phoned her back at 20.30.m and asked her to come over .She angrily said she was now getting her dinner from Nando’s and was too tired and was going home.

At no point is the friend blaming the takeaway on OP. She was angry at the lack of reply and probably decompressing and done with the day at that point and waiting for her takeaway.

Lemonmaid · 20/07/2020 17:07

I feel sorry for your poor friend.

mintich · 20/07/2020 17:13

I think confirming at 6pm on the day is way too late. You had texted her on Tuesday! Doesnt matter if she's moving, she could have said before hand that she would come over but not sure what time etc. At least then you'd know to expect her for drinks or not.
People can't expect their friends to wait around on the off chance they'd like to come over

Bubsandco · 20/07/2020 17:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable. A miscommunication over one night of drinks after months of support is really not a big deal. Especially since you apologised sincerely and invited her around afterwards. She's going through a tough time and is entitled to feel annoyed at changing plans but you didn't poison her Nandos.

Like a few other posters have said, I think the bigger problem is that you've always felt like she's taken you for granted. 15 years of feeling that way is no joke. Clearly now is not a good time to bring it all up. Be there for your friend during her divorce but, when things get a little better, maybe broach the subject or put up some boundaries so you don't feel taken advantage of.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/07/2020 17:21

I don’t see why you didn’t reply and say we’re eating dinner with the kids so why don’t you pop over for a drink at x time when we’ll be done?

As above

Also OP, you said
After I finished dinner and went back in ,I phoned her asking her to apologise

Is this right? You asked HER to apologise? Or is it a mistype? If you asked her to apologise I can see what she was angry tbh.

Sunnyrainshowers · 20/07/2020 17:22

Yanbu op, she left it waay too late to contact you. Apologize if you feel you should, but don't let her off with contacting you so late about your offer.

I don't think this is worth either of you falling out with the other, so hopefully all will be well

doodleygirl · 20/07/2020 17:23

YABU, if any of my friends needed a meal they could text at anytime, even it I only offered beans on toast.

TBH most of my friends would just turn up and I would just feed them.

excuseforfights · 20/07/2020 17:34

I think you were both BU. She was BU because she left it to 6pm to decide she wants to come for a meal, and therefore expecting you to have food ready on the off chance she could make it.

And OP you were BU to not text her back at 6pm when you saw her message. It sounds like this was a passive aggressive way of getting back at her for taking you for granted.

Mamette · 20/07/2020 17:35

Yabu. What’s wrong with a quick text at 5pm- sorry, 1700 hours saying “are you still coming tonight? Thinking of doing bbq”.

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