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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School reports and gender

112 replies

MadameBee · 19/07/2020 18:35

Question - do all reports refer to children as “they” rather than he/she?

DH was reading DSDs and was moaning about the grammar.

Is this requested or is it standard now that they are gender neutral?

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBee · 19/07/2020 19:54

How was I disparaging?

I have a good relationship with her, it’s tense with her father sometimes and I often diffuse it. They both will die on a hill of a pointless argument and I retreat.

The other week she was refusing to do something (go to the shop for him) and they had a humongous row. She was in her bedroom crying and I went up gave her a hug and said tongue in cheek “DSD - can you stop being a twat?” And she fell about laughing.

Our relationship is fine, maybe they way I write is a bit cold but our relationship isn’t.

OP posts:
Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 19:58

spends a lot of time on Instagram posting about her rights - be great if she put as much effort into her school work but hey!

obsessed with Instagram and is getting poor grades.

It seems to be the norm within her friendship group so and like any teenager she goes through fads (she was vegetarian for a few months then a vegan then she was gay they she was non binary then she was bisexual).

Band wagon jumping

Ridiculous to use they as pronoun if she asked you to.

All of those are disparaging.

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 19:59

Every step parents “tone” is noted every time anyone posts anything less that how amazing their stepkids are

OP, I'm sure you're lovely IRL, but you did seem quick to suggest on here that DSD was manipulative because you don't understand her anxiety.

Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 20:00

Also this

She does have support with her mental health but then this turns into she can’t do X Y Z due to her anxiety but can do other things perfectly well when it suits her which feels manipulative at times.

You think she’s making up her anxiety and being manipulative.

Original poster
MadameBee · 19/07/2020 20:01

I work with people with mental health issues I do understand her anxiety completely and I can also see when she is being manipulative.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 19/07/2020 20:04

She does have support with her mental health but then this turns into she can’t do X Y Z due to her anxiety but can do other things perfectly well when it suits her which feels manipulative at times.

This is disparaging. Very much so.

Again, people may be wrong about how they think you feel about her.

But even if they're wrong you can still be open to working on changing the way your feelings about her come across to other people.

Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 20:05

@MadameBee

I work with people with mental health issues I do understand her anxiety completely and I can also see when she is being manipulative.
You are not HER mental health professional.

There’s a reason professionals don’t work with family.

Trinketsfor20 · 19/07/2020 20:07

OP posts disparagingly about teen DSD exploring sexual identity: people notice tone: OP immediately says her Dd Is gay.

OP comments disparagingly again about DSD (who is receiving MH support) being “manipulative” re MH. People notice tone: OP immediately is someone who works with People with MH issues.

This sort of logic is breathtakingly common on Mumsnet it seems - “I’m not racist because my cousin-in-law is from X country - but gosh (insert disparaging comment)” or the other version As in here - makes disparaging/incorrect remarks about X issue/aspect, gets called out and voila - immediately - they either have a degree in the aspect/or a relative/or a job in that area. Shut down critique. Next.

VforVienetta · 19/07/2020 20:10

OP it's worth noting that if a child has a non-binary or trans identity at school the school are likely to affirm it and may well not inform the parents of this due to confidentiality rules.
Some parents have received reports/etc referring to their DC as the opposite sex and this is the first they hear about their child's trans identity.

If your DSD no longer identifies as NB (as I think you said) she may wish to update school, otherwise they will continue to use neutral pronouns.

VforVienetta · 19/07/2020 20:10

OP it's worth noting that if a child has a non-binary or trans identity at school the school are likely to affirm it and may well not inform the parents of this due to confidentiality rules.
Some parents have received reports/etc referring to their DC as the opposite sex and this is the first they hear about their child's trans identity.

If your DSD no longer identifies as NB (as I think you said) she may wish to update school, otherwise they will continue to use neutral pronouns.

VforVienetta · 19/07/2020 20:14

trinkets do you think it impossible for people with mental health issues to be manipulative? Because that's just daft.
The OP's tone on an MN post doesn't say anything about her real relationship, and there have been some huge leaps made about it.
Why wouldn't she bring up that she's supportive of her DD's orientation when posters are saying she has a problem her DSD's?

Mydogisthebestest · 19/07/2020 20:17

@VforVienetta

trinkets do you think it impossible for people with mental health issues to be manipulative? Because that's just daft. The OP's tone on an MN post doesn't say anything about her real relationship, and there have been some huge leaps made about it. Why wouldn't she bring up that she's supportive of her DD's orientation when posters are saying she has a problem her DSD's?
There’s a general acceptance of being gay. There isn’t Of what the op calls “bandwagon jumping”.
whattimeisitrightnow · 19/07/2020 20:18

@Trinketsfor20 I had exactly that same thought. It’s like someone making racist comments and then saying “you know, my best friend is black and he doesn’t find this offensive.” OP having a gay daughter isn’t relevant; it doesn’t ‘prove’ that she doesn’t hold homophobic or biphobic views.

There are a lot of people who are understanding and accepting towards gay people and lesbians, but are intolerant of bisexuality and fluidity - even now, in 2020. Those ‘in between’ types are still seen as a joke, as people who are experimenting/going through a phase and will decide on a proper sexuality later on. I’m bisexual myself and this attitude is shockingly prevalent, including among those who claim to be ‘tolerant’.

Trinketsfor20 · 19/07/2020 20:21

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jessstan2 · 19/07/2020 20:24

You're not unreasonable at all, all the 'they' business is ridiculous as well as being very poor English. You can treat males and females the same without pretending they are not male or female.

Staffy1 · 19/07/2020 20:28

Some of the comments seem a bit judgey considering the OP knows her SD more than anyone else posting here. Teens can be manipulative and go through temporary phases because they are fashionable. And making a comment that they should spend more of the energy on school work doesn't indicate a dislike for them. If people think everything they do deserves a pat on the back and sympathy, they are going to grow up to be wet lettuces that can't handle any constructive criticism and expect everyone to fawn all over them.

TheStuffedPenguin · 19/07/2020 20:30

@MadameBee

I think a lot of it was copied and pasted to be honest as the comments did not correspond to the grades.
Ah but why should efforts and grades correspond ?
TheStuffedPenguin · 19/07/2020 20:31

Sorry ignore that rubbish I posted above !

whattimeisitrightnow · 19/07/2020 20:31

If people think everything they do deserves a pat on the back and sympathy, they are going to grow up to be wet lettuces that can't handle any constructive criticism and expect everyone to fawn all over them.

Expecting sympathy when struggling with sexuality is not only normal but good, because it allows people to seek support. Making disparaging comments about sexual identity is not constructive criticism, it’s being cruel.

mindutopia · 19/07/2020 20:34

I would imagine based on what you say that your DSD has asked the school to use a particular pronoun and they have respected those wishes. I can't see how anyone could get worked up about that. Good on everyone involved for being kind and thoughtful.

Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2020 20:45

OP I understand completely. My dd identifies as Pansexual, lots of her friend identify as gay, bi, gender neutral, trans etc... and it does seem to be a bit of a fad. She is referred to as She/her at school as are all the girls, boys hare him/his. My dd likes to lecture everyone on being gay/Bi and it does get in my nerves. I tell her that I don’t care what she is, she can bring home whoever she likes, she can wear what she likes but why make such a big deal about it (social media etc...)?

ButtWormHole · 19/07/2020 20:48

Are you serious. You’ve been told they want to be referred to by ‘they’ or name but you keep calling them ‘she’. Is this because they’re your step child and you don’t give a shit? Or do you do this to everyone with gender issues?

Original poster
MadameBee · 19/07/2020 20:54

@ButtWormHole

Are you serious. You’ve been told they want to be referred to by ‘they’ or name but you keep calling them ‘she’. Is this because they’re your step child and you don’t give a shit? Or do you do this to everyone with gender issues?
Read the thread - no she hasn’t.
OP posts:
LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 19/07/2020 20:54

DSD has said she is gay/bi/non binary and spends a lot of time on Instagram posting about her rights - be great if she put as much effort into her school work but hey!

There's your answer.
School reports here have always said he and she but you've just answered your own question as to why it's different for your child.

queenofknives · 19/07/2020 20:55

OP there's nothing wrong with your tone or anything you've said. The people on here looking to take offence at something are being idiotic. It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with your DSD, and you come across as kind and thoughtful. Just ignore the haters and don't let them try to emotionally manipulate you - they are talking absolute mince.