School reports and gender

[MadameBee]

Question - do all reports refer to children as “they” rather than he/she?

DH was reading DSDs and was moaning about the grammar.

Is this requested or is it standard now that they are gender neutral?

@MadameBee

And no she doesn’t know - I know her and the relationship I have with her, you, a stranger on the internet do not.

I’m going on what you’ve said and trying to give you my experience as a non gender confirming person.

Anyway thanks for asking my initial question.

I did not post to be accused of being unsympathetic, I am not.

You do seem a bit keen on painting her in a negative light OP, saying her anxiety is selective and manipulative, that she should spend time on work not Instagram, she goes through loads of 'fads'...

People are trying to help, I myself said gently that I could see both sides etc and you shut it down and now are just flat out telling people that they're wrong.

Teenagers go through up and downs, she's probably a mixed up kid doing her best. Cut her some slack with the way you describe her, even if it's in your own head rather than to / about her, as you are more negative about her than I think you realise.

I always use 'they' as a default pronoun when I translate, instead of 'he' (e.g. 'the doctor is absolved from their duty of confidentiality'). I don't see why it's such a big deal. None of my clients have complained and it's less unwieldy than 'he/she'.

Also, I feel sorry for your daughter. I'm glad my mum was supportive when I came out (and this was in the early '00s btw, Instagram wasn't around then).

Yes, I have to say that your disdain for her is quite sad to read. I hope that you’re right and she has no idea how you feel about her.

Anyway your DH'moaning about the grammar'...it has become perfectly acceptable over the last 20 or so years to use 'they' , instead of 'he or she'.
Tell him to get off his 'grammar' horse ...

Why is going through fads negative? It’s what teenagers do, some stick some don’t.

Being a teenager is about finding out who you are and making lots of mistakes.

I am aware of that.

Erm where exactly have I said I wasn’t supportive when my DD came out?!

Ours follow common English usage and use pronouns according to the sex of the child.

I don't think it's inherently negative to say that teenagers go through fads or phases, they're still figuring out who they are.
In fact I think pressure to know exactly who you are from a young age makes it worse.

I think it's possible to respect a teenagers identity with regards to gender/veganism/sexuality/whatever while still understanding that these things can change as they figure themselves out.

Where I work we are told to not use he/she at all. It's a secondary.

I guess it’s easier to refer to everyone as “they” I do nothing I would like it much if my kids were still at school, I do think it sounds very impersonal.

*not think

Ignore the grumps OP. A throwaway comment on MN doesn't characterise your entire relationship with your DSD. To echo PPs, the pronoun choice will be because she's non-binary and yy your DH is right that grammatically it does seem clunky but there's no way to fix that. The mix of plural and singular doesn't easily or automatically scan.

Your tone about her has been noted by a few people and if I were you I would think oh dear that's not how I feel at all so I need to think about why it's coming across that way and see if I can change it.

But instead you're batting away any feedback like that. So you know best I guess. I hope she manages to get her anxiety under control and schoolwork on track. Being a teenager is tough at the best of times but this year is absolutely unprecedented. So some slack cutting is needed all round.

my experience as a non gender confirming person

Like the rest of the human race, you're one of a kind then?

It’s not ‘a throwaway comment’. It’s several posts on here, each very judgemental towards the DSD.

Every step parents “tone” is noted every time anyone posts anything less that how amazing their stepkids are.

It’s very tricky to navigate, they have a different set of boundaries and behaviour expectations at home and they come here and it’s different (but consistent for the 11 years I have been around).

I support all her choices and I batch cooked a load of veggie meals for her only for her to say the following weekend that she was eating meat again.

Every step parents “tone” is noted every time anyone posts anything less that how amazing their stepkids are.

I can't speak for anyone else obviously but I would have said the same if she was your DD rather than DSD. And I'm always quite happy to say on here when I think step kids are being little shits or manipulative, so it isn't a step thing it's genuinely a tone thing. Anyway you don't seem willing at all to reflect on that but that's your prerogative.

My ds’s got no comments - simply effort, focus attainment marks for before the broke up

Actually, I would have been a lot harsher if this had been written by a biological parent, because the level of coldness is unpalatable here but would be really upsetting were it towards one’s own child.
It’s fine to dislike your stepchild a bit. Really, it is - you didn’t choose them. There’s likely a bit of tension there, and I appreciate you’re probably using this thread to vent. But what’s not fine is disparaging anyone’s sexual identity. It just isn’t.

now that they are gender neutral news to me OP - I'll be raging if they change this! FFS, stop the world etc..

I chose my words clumsily. 35/40 years ago I didn’t even have the language to say I didn’t care what sex someone was, I was attracted to people not males or females.

I would have said the same if she had been your daughter not your sept daughter by the way.

*step