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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help need 2nd opinion. Mother booked a holiday knowing the time wasnt suitable

90 replies

Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:34

Hi,

First post so bare with me, needing 2nd opinion on this as we are arguing about it.

Her mother wanted to book a family holiday abroad but arranging a suitable time for everyone was proving a nightmare. She is paying for hotel we sort are own travel or other way round. Her DB and Sil booked a week in August and a week in October before checking with anyone else if this was good. Her mother knew that August was a bad time for us and when she travelled down to see DS and DIL it was with the full knowledge that August was not a good time and even agreed that August wasnt a great time to go abroad.

Flash forward, my DP got a call yesterday morning saying that she has went ahead and booked a holiday for Greece in August without even asking and even had the audacity to say " we thought this would be a nice suprise" i cant go in August as just getting back to work after Furlough and highly unlikely will get holidays, nevermind i dont want to use a weeks worth of holidays after just being off on Furlough for 4 months and I think travelling abroad this year is dodgy with the whole COVID 19 situation.

They didnt even bother to ask/check, get an opinion from her before they booked it.

My opinion is she should say thanks but no thanks as they booked it knowing it was a rubbish time effectively ignoring her opinion, deliberately not asking her before booking and generally just taking the piss.

Looks to me like she is being emotionally blackmailed into going at a time that doesnt suit just because it suits everyone else. Mosy annoying thing is she is still thinking about wether to go or not?

Is it reasonable to say to her Dm thanks but you knew it was a bad time before you booked it so im not going to go. You should have asked if it was good and definitely should not have booked it without asking?

Opinions very much appreciated

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 16:38

Can’t she go without you?

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:41

Additional info: her family have a habit of taking her for granted so i think this is an opportunity to break the cycle also told her if she goes i will not be impressed. She said i was trying to manipulate her when infact im trying to look out for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:43

Yes she can go on her own, but doesnt change the fact that she told them it was a bad time and they ignored that. If she went on her own would it be to appease the family? And try and keep everyone happy?

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 19/07/2020 16:43

Ridiculous behaviour! Who books a holiday for someone else without checking the dates?! MIL says it is a nice surprise, what she really means is that she wants to go in August and she’s trying to manipulate you into it....

Takingontheworld · 19/07/2020 16:45

@Wolfiemarmar

Additional info: her family have a habit of taking her for granted so i think this is an opportunity to break the cycle also told her if she goes i will not be impressed. She said i was trying to manipulate her when infact im trying to look out for her.
Erm yeah she's right.

Sounds like she's got a DP putting her in an awkward position and scolding her like a child and a family who just expect her to tow the line.

Poor love. Let her go on a nice holiday if she wants!

IndecentFeminist · 19/07/2020 16:47

It isn't the best idea, no. But equally it would be very controlling of you to tell you her wouldn't be impressed if she went alone. She's an adult, she can do what she likes!

Does she want to go? Maybe she'd like a holiday.

Dozer · 19/07/2020 16:47

On the face of it MIL was U to book the holiday.

Depending on her own work situation, your DP wouldn’t be U to go without you though.

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/07/2020 16:48

What does she actually want to do?

Dozer · 19/07/2020 16:50

How much would it cost for flight or accommodation (whichever she’d be paying) for your DP alone (or DP and DC)?

To some extent s/he who’s paying gets to choose where and when: others are free to accept or decline the invitation. Trickier with a part-subsidised set up.

JumpingJackFrost · 19/07/2020 16:50

So you can't go and have to work, they know that and there's no need to back down from that. Your Dp needs to be allowed to make up her own mind about it because at the moment this

also told her if she goes i will not be impressed. She said i was trying to manipulate her when infact im trying to look out for her.*

Makes it sound as if she has two sets of people expecting her to do as she's told. Her family and her dp. Leave her alone, treat her like the adult that she is and let her make her own decision.

MsJaneAusten · 19/07/2020 16:52

What does DP want to do?

From an outside perspective it seems like you’re thinking of what’s best for you, DM is thinking of what’s best for her. What’s best for DP?

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 16:54

Additional info: her family have a habit of taking her for granted so i think this is an opportunity to break the cycle also told her if she goes i will not be impressed. She said i was trying to manipulate her when infact im trying to look out for her.

OP, the first thing that struck me about your post is the fact that the only times you refer to your DP is as a reference point for how it affects you - her DM, she got a call, etc.

Do you actually give a shit about what she wants? Or about who she even is?

Honeyroar · 19/07/2020 16:55

To be honest, I don’t think I’d be impressed if my in laws booked a holiday when they knew that I wouldn’t be able to come and my husband went “oh well I’ll go without you”.

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 16:57

If my bloke told me he wouldn’t be impressed if I went on holiday without him, I’d start packing. Fortunately I’m married to someone who just wants me to be happy and have a nice time, with or without him.

MrsHSW · 19/07/2020 17:03

Finding a date was hard, maybe they wanted to get something booked?

If you can go on those dates just go. Ffs all this fuss, let your DP get a break and don't make her feel guilty about it. It's inconvenient and would have been nice if MIL consulted you both, but not worth falling out with family over.

If you 100% can't go - 'sorry those dates don't work for us, is there any chance you can change them please?'

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:04

Hi, thanks for the responses, giving me a lot of food for thought. Some of them i agree with some i dont lol. I am treating her like an adult and letting her make her own decision, i think its fair to say i will be annoyed if she goes because she will be going for the wrong reasons i believe but ultimately the decision is hers and i respect that. Obviously i give a shit about her and think its very unfair to draw a conclusion from how something is typed.

Per above seems like a good opportunity to break the cycle of her family taking the piss, i appreciate its a crappy position to be in and take that onboard. But would you go on a holiday just to appease your family?

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/07/2020 17:06

So you don’t much like your DP’s family? Do they like you?

If the answers are no and no, then group holidays are a bad idea anyway!

Dozer · 19/07/2020 17:07

Why are you assuming your DP choosing to go would be primarily to “appease” her family? Has she said she doesn’t fancy the location / date / going alone?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2020 17:09

Is she generally a people pleaser who finds it hard to say no?
Do they regularly crap on her from above - you seem to indicate that they do?
Would she be happy to go without you, or would she want you to try and go to, to keep everyone sweet?

In general, I think her family have behaved like total shits in terms of ignoring your circumstances, and she shouldn't give in to them - but if it causes a rift, then I can see why she would want to avoid that.

Shit situation - her family have put you both in it, but only you and she can decide the best way out of it.

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 17:09

But would you go on a holiday just to appease your family?

Has she actually said she doesn't want to go?

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:10

I actually like the MIl, think she got talked into it by her ds. Dont like the fact they didnt check and just booked it without consulting her. To me thats a big No No, and struggling to understand why someone would do that, reason i posted this so i an understand different points of view to see if i am missing something

OP posts:
Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:10

She said she honestly doesnt know what she wants to do

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 17:11

But would you go on a holiday just to appease your family?

Is that why she’s going? Or is she able to go on those dates and wants a break? Would she not go to appease you? Why can’t she just please herself?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/07/2020 17:11

@Wolfiemarmar - you cant say you are letting her make her own decision, when you are pressuring her not to go by telling her you’ll be annoyed!

Coyoacan · 19/07/2020 17:11

If my bloke told me he wouldn’t be impressed if I went on holiday without him, I’d start packing

This

Turn down a holiday in Greece with people I like, because my partner thinks they take me for granted, not on your nelly.