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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help need 2nd opinion. Mother booked a holiday knowing the time wasnt suitable

90 replies

Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:34

Hi,

First post so bare with me, needing 2nd opinion on this as we are arguing about it.

Her mother wanted to book a family holiday abroad but arranging a suitable time for everyone was proving a nightmare. She is paying for hotel we sort are own travel or other way round. Her DB and Sil booked a week in August and a week in October before checking with anyone else if this was good. Her mother knew that August was a bad time for us and when she travelled down to see DS and DIL it was with the full knowledge that August was not a good time and even agreed that August wasnt a great time to go abroad.

Flash forward, my DP got a call yesterday morning saying that she has went ahead and booked a holiday for Greece in August without even asking and even had the audacity to say " we thought this would be a nice suprise" i cant go in August as just getting back to work after Furlough and highly unlikely will get holidays, nevermind i dont want to use a weeks worth of holidays after just being off on Furlough for 4 months and I think travelling abroad this year is dodgy with the whole COVID 19 situation.

They didnt even bother to ask/check, get an opinion from her before they booked it.

My opinion is she should say thanks but no thanks as they booked it knowing it was a rubbish time effectively ignoring her opinion, deliberately not asking her before booking and generally just taking the piss.

Looks to me like she is being emotionally blackmailed into going at a time that doesnt suit just because it suits everyone else. Mosy annoying thing is she is still thinking about wether to go or not?

Is it reasonable to say to her Dm thanks but you knew it was a bad time before you booked it so im not going to go. You should have asked if it was good and definitely should not have booked it without asking?

Opinions very much appreciated

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 17:11

I am treating her like an adult and letting her make her own decision

No you’re not, you’re trying to emotionally manipulate her into not going by telling her you “won’t be impressed”.

They ABU to book without asking but YABVU to try and control and manipulate her like you are doing.

Dozer · 19/07/2020 17:11

It was inconsiderate of MIL and your DP’s sibling, for sure.

BackforGood · 19/07/2020 17:13

Of course your dp should say "No, we told we we can't do August - you'll have to take us off the booking"

If your dp had come on here and asked this, you'd get that answer 100%.
Because you have asked it, you will get mixed answers with people trying to twist it to sound like you are trying to control her.

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:15

Thanks Backforgood,

I did ask her to post it, but she didnt want to. Not the nicest feeling in the world people saying horrible things that are not applicable, but i did ask for people's opinions so fair play. I am asking myself is that what i am doing

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 19/07/2020 17:16

Ohhh so MIL's DS talked her into it?
He just wanted a cheap holiday, then, and the only way he could get her to do it was by making sure you two were summoned invited too. And made sure the dates suited him.
Possible?

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 17:17

If your dp had come on here and asked this, you'd get that answer 100%.

I’d have said the same thing.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 19/07/2020 17:18

Perfectly acceptable for her to tell her family she cant go at that time if she doesn't want to

Not acceptable at all for you to tell her you wont be impressed if she goes.

heartsonacake · 19/07/2020 17:18

So, she didn’t want to post here, and she hasn’t outright said she doesn’t want to go. It sounds to me like she does want to go but she’s concerned about what you will think, particularly after what you’ve said to her.

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:19

Alsohuman, your point is coming across loud and clear. I can tell you that is not the case. But you wouldnt believe me anyway.

OP posts:
Dozer · 19/07/2020 17:20

Yes, much depends on whether OP’s DP would actually like to go to Greece in August for £X, with her family, without him.

Also things like whether they can afford (time off work and money) a holiday as a couple, in addition.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/07/2020 17:21

Who's paying?

Will this cost prevent you from having a family holiday?

bluejelly · 19/07/2020 17:22

Wait a minute. Isn't there a pandemic on? Seems rather optimistic for anyone to go to Greece in August

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:24

Bluejelly, glad someone noticed that, is one of the concerns i had about her going, everything is still up in the air at the moment.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 19/07/2020 17:26

Perhaps they booked it in August because they aren't keen on you going. Which is fine. These family holidays can be weird. Encourage her to go and enjoy herself. As you say, you are having 4 months of paid holiday. You didn't mention if she has been working.

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 17:27

reason i posted this so i an understand different points of view to see if i am missing something

Well, another possibility is that they knew you wouldn't be able to make it - depending on what they think of you, of course.

If I were you, OP, I'd tell your DP that you'll support her whatever decision she makes, and leave it at that. Then if she wants to go, she can do so without worrying about your reaction, and if she'd rather not, she doesn't have to.

Assuming she's an adult, it's up to her to deal with her family and even if you think they're controlling, it's not your job to rescue her!

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 17:29

@Wolfiemarmar

Alsohuman, your point is coming across loud and clear. I can tell you that is not the case. But you wouldnt believe me anyway.
Blimey, I definitely hit a nerve there.
madwoman1ntheattic · 19/07/2020 17:30

‘Going for the wrong reasons’ mmmm. See, there are lots of possible ‘reasons’ at play here.
1 - her family are bullying her into going on a holiday that she doesn’t want to go on. (Your view)
2 - her partner is having a tantrum and trying to manipulate her into not going on holiday with her family (yeah I’d also be raising my eyebrows and going to make a point that I actually have my own mind, thanks)
3 - she fancies a Greek break and is a bit disappointed that her DP won’t be able to make it, but it will be a nice change and a good chance to catch up with family after lockdown.
Either way, she appears to have the misfortune of having a family and a partner who believe their decisions are more important than her own. Or her right to make them.
You are worse than her family. You are making her decision unpleasant no matter what. Grow up.

Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 17:33

Actually I’d be pretty pissed off too.

Mil is the same and rail roads people in to doing what she wants.

If I was due in work after being furloughed and she booked a holiday with knowing there is every chance of me not being able to go, meaning I’d miss out on my only family holiday for the year - And dh was umming and arhhhing I’d be fucked off.

OP would you be able to go away with your family at a later date instead?

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:34

Longinesprime

Thanks, think thats what i was after/ needed to hear. Especially that last bit.

OP posts:
Evelefteden · 19/07/2020 17:36

Regarding the pandemic - I agree. We’ve cancelled two holidays. There was an article the other day of a family travelling to Spain on holiday and the hotel was closed.

Not a great holiday atmosphere Confused

Winter2020 · 19/07/2020 17:45

Your reasons for not wanting to go don't sound like they are changing in Sept or Oct or this year at all so they couldn't book around your needs.

Depends what is booked if unreasonable. If it is a villa they are probably thinking "come along or don't" but we want to go. That is fine.

If it is a hotel I think it's fine if the family have booked and will add you on if you go. A bit controlling if they have actually booked you a room and will lose money if you don't go as you will feel under pressure.

I think your "booked holiday knowing the time wasn't suitable" suggest you could go a different week but you actually can't or don't want to go in August/Sept/Oct, Nov, Dec at least so it's more "booked holiday without us" or "booked holiday I don't want to go on".

Will they lose money if you don't go?

Your post doesn't mention any problem that your partner has going on holiday. Only that you have a problem all year. If she wants to go then she should go. If she doesn't then she should decline.

YAU if you are putting your partner under pressure to decline a holiday that she would like to go on to make a point to people that won't take any notice anyway.

What were your partners family supposed to do? Should they have told you that they are all going but they appreciate you can't come? Or do you think they should all not go on holiday because you don't want to/can't? Perhaps they understand you can't go (all year) but think your partner can and are happy with that.

NearlyGranny · 19/07/2020 17:47

Is this your DD or DP you're talking about? I'm confused. I can't work out whether it's your MiL or your DD's!

Is this a holiday you'd be going on? If not, I'd back right off and let her - whoever she is - make up her own mind. Pressuring her to say no doubles the stress if there's pressure to say yes from somewhere else.

Retired people can tend to assume everyone is as available as they are themselves, but she needs to deal with those expectations herself.

LtJudyHopps · 19/07/2020 17:48

Maybe her family booked it for August because they know you can’t make it. You sound controlling, deciding she’d be going for the wrong reasons. Maybe she wants to go for a break and a change! I think you need to completely step back, stop giving your DP YOUR opinions and feelings and let her make the decision on her own like the adult she is.

Charleyhorses · 19/07/2020 17:51

I think you need to stand firm that you can't go. I agree you can't just try and book time off after 4 months furlough.
Your wife needs to decide whether she wants to use holiday and cash for a holiday abroad without you.

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 17:51

Thanks for the comments both good and bad, posts got me thinking, looked at the bigger picture and some good advice/posts on here. Nobody likes to be told they are controlling or manipulative so made me ask myself if thats what i was doing, dont think i am/was, that being said its just a holiday and in the big scheme of things not really that a big a deal. Left it with her to do what she wants if she wants to go go if she doesnt dont. If she goes i will not be annoyed with her because i do appreciate its a shitty position to be in, also apologised to her and said I could have dealt with it better.

OP posts:
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