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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help need 2nd opinion. Mother booked a holiday knowing the time wasnt suitable

90 replies

Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:34

Hi,

First post so bare with me, needing 2nd opinion on this as we are arguing about it.

Her mother wanted to book a family holiday abroad but arranging a suitable time for everyone was proving a nightmare. She is paying for hotel we sort are own travel or other way round. Her DB and Sil booked a week in August and a week in October before checking with anyone else if this was good. Her mother knew that August was a bad time for us and when she travelled down to see DS and DIL it was with the full knowledge that August was not a good time and even agreed that August wasnt a great time to go abroad.

Flash forward, my DP got a call yesterday morning saying that she has went ahead and booked a holiday for Greece in August without even asking and even had the audacity to say " we thought this would be a nice suprise" i cant go in August as just getting back to work after Furlough and highly unlikely will get holidays, nevermind i dont want to use a weeks worth of holidays after just being off on Furlough for 4 months and I think travelling abroad this year is dodgy with the whole COVID 19 situation.

They didnt even bother to ask/check, get an opinion from her before they booked it.

My opinion is she should say thanks but no thanks as they booked it knowing it was a rubbish time effectively ignoring her opinion, deliberately not asking her before booking and generally just taking the piss.

Looks to me like she is being emotionally blackmailed into going at a time that doesnt suit just because it suits everyone else. Mosy annoying thing is she is still thinking about wether to go or not?

Is it reasonable to say to her Dm thanks but you knew it was a bad time before you booked it so im not going to go. You should have asked if it was good and definitely should not have booked it without asking?

Opinions very much appreciated

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 19/07/2020 19:32

That would piss me off too. Of course your DW can go if she wants and in your shoes i wouldn't "stop" her, but I wouldn't like it because it's reinforcing/ rewarding an undesirable behaviour. If DW says, "That's a shame then mum as we won't be able to make it, have fun though." - her family might give her views more weight, assuming they are bothered whether she goes or not.

HisNibs · 19/07/2020 19:52

@Alsohuman

They exclude my partner, they exclude me too

It makes me really sad that people think this way. We didn’t stop being separate people when we got married. We do things together and others separately. It’s really not healthy to be joined at the hip like this.

Anyway, despite having got a pretty robust response, OP, it’s great that it’s made you think and see another perspective. Hats off for taking it as well as you have.

It depends on the situation and you made a little assumption about me there. DW and I are not joined at the hip, we do different things. She has taken the kids on holiday without me because I had to work - no problem. I had a week away in Greece with a group of friends for a sporting event at a different time - no problem. Now if the others going on holiday could only go in August and no other time for a big family holiday leaving in the case of this thread Op out of the picture then that's the way it is. I would be fine with that. Conversely, if other dates were available that everyone else could still do but the choice went with the one period I couldn't do then I would be upset. How many times have we seen people saying you have a DP problem when there's an issue with MIL/family which boils down to the fact that DP isn't standing alongside OP. I make no apologies for the fact that if my DW was excluded from a family event deliberately, I will stand with her against the others so please don't be sad for me. That's why I married her. It depends if the exclusion is circumstantial or deliberate.

Twinkled · 19/07/2020 19:56

The holiday was booked without consulting you both that is the problem. To do so is selfish at any time but even more so now. Tricky situation created by Mii or/ and her ds. I wouldn't go unless it suited me .

BendingSpoons · 19/07/2020 20:13

If my MIL booked a holiday she knew was inconvenient for me, I'd be pissed off. I don't think DH would go on principle. I wouldn't be overly keen for him to use his leave when I was stuck at work and then not have time left when I am on leave.

If my mum did this, I'd normally be torn, because it's a cheap holiday and I love a holiday. However 1) she wouldn't do it without checking, 2) global pandemic.

As others have said, if you posted as a woman whose male partner was going to go on holiday with his mum in these circs, you would probably have had far more sympathy.

SucculentCandle · 19/07/2020 20:15

@Surviving1

A man is criticsed as a mummy's boy if he doesn't stand up to his mother when his mothers is being nasty to his wife.

What is sauce for the gander should be sauce for the goose too.

Assuming OP is a man.

Winter2020 · 19/07/2020 20:27

As the holidays booked are August and Oct I'm guessing that there are kids and term dates involved so the others probably can't go outside of August and Oct half term.

It seems pretty clear to me that the OP doesn't want to go in September - he doesn't want to go! So when people say the family should have consulted him... he got everyone to "agree" that August was a bad time/doesn't want to travel abroad this year.... can none of the family have a holiday because OP can't/doesn't want to?

Cuppachino · 19/07/2020 20:28

In what way is it OK to book a holiday without checking with the people involved that it suits them? Mumsnet baffles me sometimes with some peoples views. OP your MIL was wrong. I also think your partner would be crazy to go abroad during a global pandemic.

Another thing to note. 85% of people on you poll think you're not being unreasonable, so the vocal 15% are obviously all over your thread.

Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 20:32

Assuming OP is a man

No - I was not making a point based on the OP's sex but a point based on the sex of the OP's partner. That point is the same whether the OP is a man or woman.

My point was: we, or many of us, criticise a man who doesn't support his wife when his mother is being nasty to his wife.

It seemed to me that there should therefore be an expectation on the OP's wife to support her partner, the OP, as her mother is being nasty to the OP.

It is as simple as if men should support their parents against their unfair mothers then women should too.

tenlittlecygnets · 19/07/2020 20:45

Do you have dc? Do you - as a family - have enough money for dp to go away and not leave you short. Does she want to go? Has she been on furlough?

All these are important.

You can support dp to stand up to her mother but don’t start acting like her mum and telling her what to do!

AngelicInnocent · 19/07/2020 21:00

Agree with pp. To ask when someone is unavailable and then book that exact time is extremely unfair. If my DM and family did that to my DH then I would not go on principle. I would not have my DH excluded that way.

If it was booked for DM and DB family to go and then we were asked if we wanted to join them, I would quite happily go without DH because it's just one of those things.

LillianBland · 19/07/2020 21:18

@Wolfiemarmar

Thank you, Strawberry 2017 :) think this is my first and last post on mumsnet

Oh don’t do that, OP. I’ve had my arse handed to me on here, a few times over the years and it’s an awful feeling at first, but after a while you shrug and move on. It is a great site and it’s also good to hear all views, even if you don’t agree with them. I know people say Mumsnet isn’t the real world, but I think it’s just that people will say what they would be thinking in real life, so in that way it’s actually more honest. It’s a brilliant site, so stick around.

recycledbottle · 19/07/2020 21:20

I think if OP was a woman and said her MIL booked a holiday when she knew she was working and couldn't go and now DH wants to go without OP meaning they have no foreign holiday together this year, the responses would be very different.

SoloMummy · 19/07/2020 21:42

No that's manipulative behaviour on your part.

Yes they should have checked. But there's no issue with her opting to go if she wishes. You are free to go or not go as you see fit, but don't be as equally as coercive as you believe they are!
You seem more concerned with having a battle of power and control over her than anything else.

LolaSmiles · 19/07/2020 21:46

I'd be pissed off if my in laws booked a holiday in a month DH and I specifically said we couldn't do and then dropped it on us.
I'd also be pissed off if in that situation my DH prioritised using his annual leave and our family money to go on said holiday.

We are a family unit and family units stick together as a united front, they don't start saying how high when either set of parents say 'jump'.
I think if OP was a woman and said her MIL booked a holiday when she knew she was working and couldn't go and now DH wants to go without OP meaning they have no foreign holiday together this year, the responses would be very different
100%
There's a few posters on MN who think 'whats yours is mine and what's mine is mine'.
Man wants to use money and time from the family pot = selfish, man child, controlling, abusive, red flags, go no contact with his family

Woman wants to do the same thing = totally fine, you're entitled to time away, you need a break, you're entitled to use family money for you, if your DP expresses concern then LTB, he's so controlling.

strawberry2017 · 25/07/2020 13:31

What did your wife decide to do OP? X

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