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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help need 2nd opinion. Mother booked a holiday knowing the time wasnt suitable

90 replies

Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 16:34

Hi,

First post so bare with me, needing 2nd opinion on this as we are arguing about it.

Her mother wanted to book a family holiday abroad but arranging a suitable time for everyone was proving a nightmare. She is paying for hotel we sort are own travel or other way round. Her DB and Sil booked a week in August and a week in October before checking with anyone else if this was good. Her mother knew that August was a bad time for us and when she travelled down to see DS and DIL it was with the full knowledge that August was not a good time and even agreed that August wasnt a great time to go abroad.

Flash forward, my DP got a call yesterday morning saying that she has went ahead and booked a holiday for Greece in August without even asking and even had the audacity to say " we thought this would be a nice suprise" i cant go in August as just getting back to work after Furlough and highly unlikely will get holidays, nevermind i dont want to use a weeks worth of holidays after just being off on Furlough for 4 months and I think travelling abroad this year is dodgy with the whole COVID 19 situation.

They didnt even bother to ask/check, get an opinion from her before they booked it.

My opinion is she should say thanks but no thanks as they booked it knowing it was a rubbish time effectively ignoring her opinion, deliberately not asking her before booking and generally just taking the piss.

Looks to me like she is being emotionally blackmailed into going at a time that doesnt suit just because it suits everyone else. Mosy annoying thing is she is still thinking about wether to go or not?

Is it reasonable to say to her Dm thanks but you knew it was a bad time before you booked it so im not going to go. You should have asked if it was good and definitely should not have booked it without asking?

Opinions very much appreciated

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 19/07/2020 17:54

You seem to be personally offended that a time was chosen that didn't suit you. The Mother probably doesn't care whether you go or not.

The summer is moving on, a decision had to be made. She probably booked to suit the majority/herself which is fine as she's paying.

As you said yourself you're back at work so you won't be able to go. Your wife would be taking the kids if she goes, I can't see the problem?

They get a nice holiday, I think you're being churlish.

strawberry2017 · 19/07/2020 18:01

OP I think you have been given a really hard time on this post which I don't think is fair. If this post was written by a wife about her MIL, the responses would be completely different. She would be told she has a DH problem not a MIL problem.

It's disrespectful what the MIL has done. Well intentioned or not, she was clearly told the timing wasn't great and you wouldn't be able to go.
Also COVID19 hasn't gone away so not really safe to travel unless you really need too.
Sadly I think if she goes it means she's not prepared to tell her family no and it will continue to happen.
I am sorry you have been put in the position you have been. X

Original poster
Wolfiemarmar · 19/07/2020 18:04

Thank you, Strawberry 2017 :) think this is my first and last post on mumsnet

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/07/2020 18:08

Have a look round some of the rest of the site before you close the door for good, @Wolfiemarmar. There is so much support, good advice, humour and intelligent debate on here. You’ve had a bit of a baptism of fire, but to your credit, you have listened to what was said, and accepted where you’d gone wrong.

RedOasis · 19/07/2020 18:15

I think it was an unreasonable thing for mil to do when you guys had said you probably couldn’t do August. If your wife wants to go to keep the peace it’s unfair that her family
Make her feel that way ... families are fickle aren’t they? I would go if I wanted a holiday and leave you to your work, but I wouldn’t go just to keep the peace. That’s unreasonable and a massive Liberty for mil to take I think.

Redwinestillfine · 19/07/2020 18:18

'Sorry MIL we can't do August, I wish you'd checked with us first, nevermind there's always next year'. Your friends problem solved. The MIL may have a different problem trying to fill the spaces but she really should have thought of that.

FortniteBoysMum · 19/07/2020 18:20

Would you not go just to please your partner? It sounds like the poor woman can not win her family don't ask and you sound controlling basically saying if she goes you will be pissed. It's a bad time for you because of you going back to work that does not make it a bad time for her.

HisNibs · 19/07/2020 18:20

I think you given a rough ride there Op. Assuming it was looking like our only holiday in the near future, I would be pissed off too. The others know that you can't realistically go at the time so going ahead and booking regardless doesn't say anything good about what they think of you. For me, whilst I would never consider 'stopping' her going or having some form of tantrum, I still would be disappointed that I was second best. Not a good foundation for a relationship. I've seen similar threads on here with the partners reversed and the comments were very different.

Cloglover · 19/07/2020 18:26

OP I think your last update is fab! You have definitely had a hard time but mum's net can be the best and worst of places.
X

Whenwillthisbeover · 19/07/2020 18:26

Do your MIL has booked a holiday for her children’s and their partners And is paying for the hotel but only you cant go right?

It might be deliberate.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 19/07/2020 18:28

Of course your dp should say "No, we told we we can't do August - you'll have to take us off the booking"

If your dp had come on here and asked this, you'd get that answer 100%. Because you have asked it, you will get mixed answers with people trying to twist it to sound like you are trying to control her

This! Never fails to amaze me how double standards it is on here.
MIL has a habit of doing stuff like this - we'll tell her a date's no good, or we're not going on holiday this year - she flat out goes and books it anyway Angry then does the whole "thought it'd be a nice surprise"
no, it's not giving a fuck what we want and doing it anyway.
Bet if I came on here with "told MIL we couldn't go on holiday then and the dates we couldn't, and she booked it anyway - DH and kids say we'll go without you then" answers would probably be a bit different!
I know from experience it's infuriating when it happens to you.

Coyoacan · 19/07/2020 18:33

I'm sure it's hard to post on mumsnet, OP, but you got a good result. I'm glad you took the answers on board.

LonginesPrime · 19/07/2020 18:34

If your dp had come on here and asked this, you'd get that answer 100%. Because you have asked it, you will get mixed answers with people trying to twist it to sound like you are trying to control her

That would be different, though.

A poster saying "my DM is making me do something I don't want to do" is quite different from a poster saying "I think DP's DM is controlling but DP says I'm controlling, and DP has been invited on holiday by DM and it's not clear to me whether she actually wants to go or feels pressured to go by her DM".

awaynboilyurheid · 19/07/2020 18:35

To be fair I think you do sound a bit controlling, and sounds like you would give her a hard time if she went. Let her make her own mind up, sometimes its nice for people to go away with family without partners your not joined at the hip!

HisNibs · 19/07/2020 18:35

I'll flip it around... if my parents organised a holiday for them, my siblings & DPs at a time when my DP/DW couldn't go, I would not be going. They exclude my partner, they exclude me too. Since employment convention is double the amount of time off for notice of annual leave as a minimum, many employers wouldn't approve the leave depending on when it was in August anyway.

SofiaAmes · 19/07/2020 18:39

Is it possible that your MIL picked this time because she knew that you couldn't go and wanted her DD to come on holiday without you? You haven't really mentioned whether your DP wants to go on holiday or not or whether she is available to go. All you have talked about is whether or not it's convenient for you.

diddl · 19/07/2020 18:41

I think it also depends if she often moans about having to fit in & feels that she isn't really considered.

If it doesn't suit then she shouldn't go.

If she doesn't want to then she shouldn't.

Greece in August would be a hell no from me!

pictish · 19/07/2020 18:52

“ Yes she can go on her own, but doesnt change the fact that she told them it was a bad time and they ignored that. If she went on her own would it be to appease the family? ”

If she stays would it be to appease you?

Alsohuman · 19/07/2020 18:59

They exclude my partner, they exclude me too

It makes me really sad that people think this way. We didn’t stop being separate people when we got married. We do things together and others separately. It’s really not healthy to be joined at the hip like this.

Anyway, despite having got a pretty robust response, OP, it’s great that it’s made you think and see another perspective. Hats off for taking it as well as you have.

Surviving1 · 19/07/2020 19:02

A man is criticsed as a mummy's boy if he doesn't stand up to his mother when his mothers is being nasty to his wife.

What is sauce for the gander should be sauce for the goose too.

excuseforfights · 19/07/2020 19:02

I think if the sexes were reversed and the man decided to go on holiday in August and leave his wife behind because his family hadn’t bothered to take her availability in consideration (but had taken his brother’s wife’s availability in consideration) then the responses here would be very different.

Do you have kids OP?

back2good · 19/07/2020 19:18

I think a lot of people have been unfair.

I'm sure most of those people would have been hurt and angry if their MIL had booked a holiday knowing you couldn't come because she'd already checked dates with everyone. And then tried to convince their spouse/partner to come anyways and you could just stay home.

Playmysong · 19/07/2020 19:24

You have my sympathy OP. If we were planning a family holiday and I had told my dm that my dh wouldn’t be able to get time off to go on a certain date, and she went ahead and booked that date, I definitely wouldn’t go. I would also tell dm that I thought she was being very unfair. If the same happened the other way round and it was me being left at home while dh went away with his family (on a date they knew I couldn’t go) I would be very unhappy too.

We only have a certain amount of money to use for things like holidays, so there is no way I would use that money to go away without my dh, as that would mean I then wouldn’t be able to afford to go away with him!

I really think your dw would be unfair to go without you in this situation, as I believe partners should be loyal to each other, but if says she wants to go I would say that she was welcome to her share of the holiday fund and you would use your share to arrange a break for yourself when you can get time off!

Intelinside57 · 19/07/2020 19:24

I also think a lot of posters have been unfair. I read your opening post and thought that your in laws had been very unfair towards you by booking holiday when they knew you wouldn't be able to go. Then I thought that it is their way of yet again manipulating your wife and showing you who is in charge... You felt understandably pissed off and reflected that at first but now you're being cool and supporting your wife which is great. For what it's worth, if my family did that to me I wouldn't go.

To be clear - If the intention was to invite me and my partner then they arranged when they knew he couldn't get time off work it I wouldn't go. I'd save the money and go somewhere later with him.
If they booked up a place and then approached us - there's a spare room in the villa, would you two like to join us? Then I might well go alone, because there was no intent to leave him out.

AnneOfQueenSables · 19/07/2020 19:31

Organising bookings round everyone's preferences is always difficult. Leaving it to your DP is the best course of action. Well done on taking the comments on board.