Friends’ children picking on my autistic son

[ThisIsMySanderling]

This feels so awkward. I’d been hoping to start a weekly forest meet up for friends with children who are thinking about (or already are) home educating. My son (nearly 4) is a quirky, adorable, autistic kid and this was going to be one way for him to form friendships with other home ed children.

We had our first mini one last week (starting small), and the three other kids singled out and picked on DS relentlessly, as soon as they worked out he was different. It was really uncomfortable to watch and when it descended into pushing and physical intimidation I intervened. DS stayed by my side for the rest of the time. He was quite sad and confused by what had happened - he’s very behind socially so didn’t have a full grasp that he was being picked on, but it was stressful for him. The older child was kinder and tried to invite him back into their games, but he didn’t want to by that point. He didn’t feel safe with them.

The other two mums were chatting while all this was going on (so was I until the point at which I intervened). They seemed oblivious to it all. One shouted across to their 4yo that they should ‘use words not hands’ when they saw he was pushing DS, but neither of them noticed the excluding of DS and the singling out. Or if they didn’t notice, they didn’t care. I’ve told them DS is autistic but, I guess, it’s an invisible disability and not everyone sees it for what it is. Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact. He tried to play with them but it went downhill fast for him.

I feel I can’t continue with these meets unless I can get the kids’ mothers to guide their own children more about how to be kind. I don’t judge the children - most young children behave this way, which is which we as adults guide them to behave better.

So basically WIBU to write to the mothers somehow outlining the above in as tactful a way as possible, or is that doomed to be misinterpreted as an attack on their kids / parenting?

And do I give these meet ups another chance of accept that DS will probably benefit more from 1:1s with more likeminded children are this stage?

Excuse my typos, all typed while bfing DD

Slightly bad phrasing towards the beginning there. I didn’t stand by and ‘watch’ him get picked on, but I did do a bit of waiting and seeing, trying to give things a chance to right themselves, and I also didn’t feel it was my place to call out other people’s children when they said things like ‘you can’t be in this game’ or ‘quick let’s not let him in’ etc

I doubt the parents will react well to you saying anything, it always gets a bit “oh kids will be kids” and “not my little darling”. I’d find some other people to hang out with.

How much older are the kids? Playing with younger children might be more gentle as parents might hover more?

I live near a forest so I regularly see kids playing and it's boisterous in the sense of physical (climbing) and noisy (laughing) but not unkind at all. There is stick waving but they aren't hitting each other with stick iyswim

I would move on from this group as they clearly see the meeting as a chance for their kids to let loose while they relax.

You might want to try the SN forum for advice from experienced mums.

I don’t think writing a “rule book” of how their children should play with your son is the right way to go about things.
BUT I would try and stick to 1 or 2 children round his age but expect that the other children will have their own types of play.
How does he get on at nursery?

Have you been in touch with any local support groups or charities for children/families with Asd? Your Ds May benefit more from being around 'similar' children to help with his confidence?

I say this as my youngest has autism and adhd. He has two older brothers so is familiar with the ' rough and tumble' if you will of how boys can be. However, once he started school (and he was in preschool with the same dc for 18 months) he completely went into himself. Very long story cut short....he's at Special school now and he's so much more comfortable and happy and confident.

Your Ds May just need a bit of a confidence boost and be around dc who he sees as similar.

And is swiftly tell the other dc's parents to make sure that their dc played appropriately together. Maybe encourage 'middle ground' activities like a scavenger hunt? Activities all dc would like rather than letting the kids entertain themselves?

I meant to say... the support groups/charities hold meet ups/play activities/sports venues etc (when everything's up and open again)

I'd be inclined to move to 1:1s with like-minded kids. Being kind is one thing, but if your son doesn't enjoy their boisterous games, it seems a bit pointless to push it.

A lot of parents who home ed also use gentle parenting methods, it is unlikely to improve.

That’s so sad

How about trying to start a meet up for other children with ASD OP? Your DS might find he has more in common with these children.

These were 4 yos and one 6yo. I’m not suggesting telling them how their children should play. I’m suggesting asking them to guide their children when they are being in kinds

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. No one can be certain but I wouldn't expect such a communication to be received well. If they were the kind of parent who would be able to positively engage with such feedback, they would be the kind of parent who would have intervened before things turned awkward, let alone nasty. I wouldn't expect any future meetings with these to work well. As PPs have said, either one to ones or, if with groups, then groups with different dynamics or ones mediated by third parties, not just parents.

good luck.

If they are sort of parents that don't tell their kids off when they are hitting another child, I imagine any advice would fall on deaf ears.

I would arrange to meet with other children.

How young are these children? I find it hard to imagine a small group of three year olds ‘picking on’ one child. I can’t see it going well if you write to these parents. Try it again and talk to them at the time things are happening and make it specific.

Honestly if your child struggles socially/doesn't enjoy typical age appropriate games, it would have been sensible to have mentioned this to the other mums first and to consider asking them to talk to their kids or at least keep a close eye. It would also be sensible to undertake some more directed group play with the kids, in a form which you knew your son would enjoy, rather than leaving them to their own devices. Why didn't you raise it with the other mums at the time if you felt the interaction was not appropriate, before it got to pushing? Or intervene yourself?

4 is a difficult age because their games are getting more complicated but they are still as self-centred as tops and will often be mean with little or no understanding about the impact of their behaviour on others.

Things that might help your ds:
Playing with slightly older children (who can accommodate him) or younger ones.
You being more actively involved- set up a game with simple rules and help them play it. Sport type games or scavenger hunt type things may be far better than imaginative games at this point, if your ds has no interest and cant intuite the rules at this point.

Thank you Compost, all great suggestions!

Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact.

It doesn't sound like the right kind of friends for him - they want to play their way and he wants to play his, so he's bound to get left out even if they're kinder about it. You need to seek out the quieter kids, who are by definition harder to find, but there's always some. Sweeping generalisation alert, but would he enjoy playing with girls more? They can be less boisterous at least. Otherwise just try 1:1s. If you're going for groups of mainstream kids, then it's not so different to school really.

He hated nursery, too noisy.

These are not ‘unkind’ kids - when they’re around similar kids. They became unkind when they saw that DS was so different and didn’t know what to make of it. Their mothers don’t see his differences in the same way children do. These women are both teachers so I think I expected more input from them.

I’m hoping to home educate so if we lived nearby I’d love to meet (doubt we do) and would come down on my daughter like a ton of bricks if she behaved like that. She’s only just 3 though and doesn’t really play games with storylines and isn’t particularly boisterous. More tags along with other children if they’re there and catch her interest. Could you maybe look for a couple of younger children to meet up with?

I have to say, the only time I’ve met up with a group of established home educated families I felt their children were very badly behaved. Pushing in front of children on playground equipment, trying to monopolise certain equipment and being quite rude in how they spoke to other people; including adults. It did make me a bit wary about home educating in general, if that’s the type of children my child is going to meet! But I imagine it’s like anything, you keep going to groups and meet-ups until you find the people you gel with as they’re bound to be there somewhere!

@flooredbored

If they are sort of parents that don't tell their kids off when they are hitting another child, I imagine any advice would fall on deaf ears. I would arrange to meet with other children.

^This. I wouldnt be rushing to arrange another playmdate with these bullies. There are plenty of kids who are brought up nicely.

I'd recommend smaller groups, autistics can struggle with big groups, it's easier to socialise 1-1.

But they should be tracking their children not to tease or isolate others from the group, autistic or otherwise.
Unfortunately people dont tend to see their children doing this, they just see that their kid is in a group and miss that that group has evicted one member.

Teaching their children, sorry.

Good point Pink - I was naive I think, I hadn’t appreciated quite how different he is. They all developed rather swiftly during lockdown, and in a very different direction from DS

I hate this sort of thing and don't buy into "Oh they're only young" either. If parents teach their children correctly, they're inclusive and kind.

Definitely look for some other people via support groups or any other avenues you can find.