Friends’ children picking on my autistic son

[ThisIsMySanderling]

This feels so awkward. I’d been hoping to start a weekly forest meet up for friends with children who are thinking about (or already are) home educating. My son (nearly 4) is a quirky, adorable, autistic kid and this was going to be one way for him to form friendships with other home ed children.

We had our first mini one last week (starting small), and the three other kids singled out and picked on DS relentlessly, as soon as they worked out he was different. It was really uncomfortable to watch and when it descended into pushing and physical intimidation I intervened. DS stayed by my side for the rest of the time. He was quite sad and confused by what had happened - he’s very behind socially so didn’t have a full grasp that he was being picked on, but it was stressful for him. The older child was kinder and tried to invite him back into their games, but he didn’t want to by that point. He didn’t feel safe with them.

The other two mums were chatting while all this was going on (so was I until the point at which I intervened). They seemed oblivious to it all. One shouted across to their 4yo that they should ‘use words not hands’ when they saw he was pushing DS, but neither of them noticed the excluding of DS and the singling out. Or if they didn’t notice, they didn’t care. I’ve told them DS is autistic but, I guess, it’s an invisible disability and not everyone sees it for what it is. Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact. He tried to play with them but it went downhill fast for him.

I feel I can’t continue with these meets unless I can get the kids’ mothers to guide their own children more about how to be kind. I don’t judge the children - most young children behave this way, which is which we as adults guide them to behave better.

So basically WIBU to write to the mothers somehow outlining the above in as tactful a way as possible, or is that doomed to be misinterpreted as an attack on their kids / parenting?

And do I give these meet ups another chance of accept that DS will probably benefit more from 1:1s with more likeminded children are this stage?

Play dates with younger children would probably be better for now.
Your son may relish being the older one who can teach the little one things. It would probably make him feel empowered and build his confidence.

The excluding and pushing around was naughty and should have been corrected.

They obviously can't be told off for the type of games they play though. They're just different, not wrong. Obviously not the right fit for your son just now though.

1 on 1 play dates may also work better for your son.

Ah OP I felt cross for you reading that.

These are not your people.

I purposely won’t do play dates with my cousin as her son terrorises my dd2. He constantly asks to come to my house but my dd2 is now scared to death of him.

I get why you want to HE. No two autistic children are the same, you will know what’s best for your own son. My friends son who is autistic has just finished secondary school. It was a tough ride for him and she would have happily HE but he loved his one friend in his class so insisted going.

Keep looking at finding the right group. You will do

Speak to the mothers and explain how you feel and how your son felt.
I would give it another shot if your son is up for it and it happens again, then I wouldn’t bother with them again.

Nope ,don’t write to them
They showed you who they are ,that is how their children play
Find other friends
I say this as a home ed parent with 2 sons with asd

NC as this is outing.

My HF ASD child was HE til 7. I don't think he would have coped with nursery and school much before then. But one of the reasons he went to school was that we found the local HE community very unwelcoming towards him. They talked the talk about being inclusive, but wouldn't encourage their children to include him, or be understanding of his sensitivities or conversational oddities. He was often outright excluded from group play. The other parents wanted to stand/sit and talk amongst themselves and not interfere with their children's friendships. We went to groups but no-one ever wanted to meet up 1:1 or invite him to birthday parties. It affected his younger sibling too and, tbh, my own MH as I didn't get to socialise without the kids but wasn't properly included in the groups either. DS has thrived at school, where they do step in and prevent exclusionary behaviour and where he gets to feel like one of a group. He also gets invited to the whole class parties (at HE groups people would invite all the other kids except him).

I would suggest finding other families with autistic children. They will 'get' your son's challenges and you will be able to relax more, knowing you are understood. Maybe there are local forest schools or clubs nearby - if not, start your own 'nature walk' (or something similar) by posting on social media sites. You only need to find a couple of other families to turn it into an outing. Your neurotypical friends and their kids don't sound especially sensitive - don't waste your time with them as it'll be too stressful for you and your son.

The saying 'Two's company. Three's a crowd,' is very true where young children are concerned.

Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact.

Regardless of SN, these kids do not sound like likely friends for your DS. Find some gentler children who share his interests and focus on 1:1 playdates.

It does seem unusual to me that these very young children would immediately pick up on a difference and start relentlessly excluding/picking on one child. In my experience it's not how 3 and 4 year olds normally behave.

I don't know whether that means you were very unlucky to become friendly with particularly unpleasant children, or whether the play was just too unsupervised or unstructured for children that age.

In future I would definitely intervene at the first sign of issues - these are very young children learning about social interaction and they still need guidance and support. Exclusion or unkindness means they are not managing on their own. Don't wait for it to escalate to become physical before stepping in.

If it was me, I would just distance myself from these parents. If they’re not picking their kids up on being unkind to another child then it’s only going to get worse.
You need to find a new tribe of parents who wish to instil kindness in their children.
Sorry this happened to your son!

As other posters have said, I think you just unfortunately picked the wrong children and parents.

I have 2 NT sons and neither of them behaved in this way nor played the kind of games you describe " Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc" and would have hated me arranging playdates with children who did. They are both gentle souls and DS1 especially, who is now 15, always had good friends at primary school and now at secondary school who were on the autistic spectrum.

the only time I’ve met up with a group of established home educated families I felt their children were very badly behaved. Pushing in front of children on playground equipment, trying to monopolise certain equipment and being quite rude in how they spoke to other people; including adults

This was my experience too tbh, especially among "hippy" "unschooling" familes wjo viewed their children as too special and unique to have to be considerate of others. The Christian homeschoolers we met were much better behaved!

It won't change. Having been through it myself - people don't care enough to make the effort to change their child's behaviour to suit your child's needs. There's the occasional one or two who are incredibly kind but I can count them on one hand.

The sad thing is, all these parents will say "Oh, I support people with disabilities, I wouldn't exclude anyone" and yet when it really comes down it to it, they couldn't care less or let's say, once faced with autism, they somehow seem to have forgotten that this IS excluding by not including the "slightly weird one".

No of course they wouldn't 'exclude' anyone. No of course they wouldn't. Except that's all they do because in the end your child is a little 'weird' and they'd rather just have NT friends. Life is just easier this way. Have a DC who has been repeatedly excluded and yes it's affected my MH too as I'm NT, I get on with a lot of people but I never form friendships with mums of NT kids because we don't come as "whole package". Life is a bit shit sometimes.

I would suggest finding other autistic kids to play with. Good luck with that too. Welcome to my world.

Sorry if I sound fed up. So over the whole NT/ASD thing. It's been tough.

Having been in your situation, my honest advice is to not put your son through an engineered situation which won't improve. If the children are not compatible in their approach to play, it's not going to work.

I used to get wound up by situations like thus but unless the other parents are naturally tuned into to your child's differences then you are banging your head on a brick wall.

At thus age it's very difficult but as your son gets older, he will naturally gravitate to quieter children, though they will probably be younger than him.

If it's any help, my son is 19 and women love him. His peers now accept his differences and he is sociable and happy. He has, among other things, ASD.

*this, not thus!

I'm sorry to hear that your DS was being singled out by these children and given a hard time. It must have been really difficult to watch especially as your son didn't understand fully what was going on.
DD1 (nearly 6) is autistic and very self directed. In terms of meeting up with other children I find it much easier if they come round to our house and we spend some time doing a structured activity at the table such as cake baking, playdoh when she was younger, painting etc then lunch. If she is not fully interacting with the other child whilst doing the activity it doesn't matter if she is not fully interacting with the other child. The we have lunch and always keep the meet to around a couple of hours.
When out or in a forest like in your situation I just accept that my DD does not really interact with the other children. She has certain interests that she gets fixated on and is in her own little world. As long as the other children aren't horrible to her then it's fine. I tell everyone that she's autistic so they understand why she might not interact in a typical way.
I used to find it so hard to watch her when younger in her own world whilst the other children were playing, running around shouting after eachother but now I think she's perfectly happy and she's not hurting anyone so I let her be.
I think 4-6 year olds can be very boisterous and that may startle your DS if he is not used to it and is a gentle soul. It may be better like PP have suggested and arranging dates more on a 1-2-1 basis with another child or with other likeminded children.

Mothers response was that we don't have patriarchal attitudes in our home and she's allowed to designate female spaces

Oh god I used to hear batshit stuff like this at HE groups too. Some of the families there were a whole other level of entitled.

No of course they wouldn't 'exclude' anyone. No of course they wouldn't. Except that's all they do because in the end your child is a little 'weird' and they'd rather just have NT friends. Life is just easier this way. Have a DC who has been repeatedly excluded and yes it's affected my MH too as I'm NT, I get on with a lot of people but I never form friendships with mums of NT kids because we don't come as "whole package". Life is a bit shit sometimes

I can relate to this so much. Sorry you've been through it too . It's made me quite cynical of people tbh as for all they talk about being kind and accepting it's only so long as they don't actually have to make any effort.

I find that too, I have a severely autistic DS and I watch his friendship interactions like a hawk. I’ve learned to be completely oblivious to the parents - most of the time they are trying to tell me to ‘chill out’. I have to say mostly it’s not outright bullying but it is the precurser - DS gets bossed around, his ipad is suddenly ‘the groups’ and he is missed out of games. I intervene every time and pull out DS if it gets unmanageable.

Ideally I do think that many autistic children do better with only one or two children, whilst they can learn some of the social skills, as groups just seem to completely leave ‘odd’ children out entirely. One to one and set up very structured activities that are about sharing, less reliant on language and complexity.

So if I were I’d pick the nicest child that wasn’t as nasty, and just set up a one to one with them in the forest - and make it structured.

I don’t think it’s fair call four year olds bullies or not inclusive because 3 of them wanted to play a game that one boy with SN did not. Would you say the same if all the children were NT? They obviously have little in common and are therefore not suitable playmates, just because you all HE doesn’t mean they will be friends. Try encourage one on one time with lots of different children until he finds someone with similar interests to his.

Hi op

You describe these women / families as friends? So can you just talk to them about how difficult you (and your DS) found it? And make sure that you are all on the same page when it comes to what you want / expect from these sessions? The way your post reads is that you wanted to organise like a forest school session or something a bit structured (which would allow you to direct the activities to be inclusive of your son) whereas the others just treated it like a play date? Is that right?

I’ve done both (not as home Ed but I used to run a playgroup). If you want to organise something structured you need the other parents on board and in agreement about the ground rules. Otherwise it’s just free play, and that’s not going to work well for your DS.

You, the adult with most understanding ofASD, did not guide the other adults ahead of the outing; so they had no chance to guide their children how to behave a different way around the needs of yours.

I'm afraid you set up your son for very predictable social stress and that's exactly what happened.

Jesus kids are brutal.

Probably a bit weird coming from a stranger on the Internet but give him a big hug for me.

I agree on structure. DD is 6 and HF ASD (99% sure, diagnosis on hold, thanks C19). She wouldn't have managed this at all at that age and would have probably refused to participate at all, we still have problems with birthday parties etc.

However, we did go to a forest school group that was very structured- 15 minutes to look at the pond and bees, circle time learning about something, a craft or activity, walk in the woods then story and snack. She loved it and still talks about it now. 4yos are too young to play properly and nicely together unsupervised which is why reception playgrounds are heavily facilitated with lots of activities set up. So maybe think about having a more structured environment or join something like woodcraft?

But the parents and kids also sound not right for you either, so I'd avoid doing that again! My youngest is NT and a bit prone to over-physical behaviour so is watched like a hawk and removed if she pushes and shoves (almost 4). I wouldn't trust her to play nicely AT ALL.