Friends’ children picking on my autistic son

[ThisIsMySanderling]

This feels so awkward. I’d been hoping to start a weekly forest meet up for friends with children who are thinking about (or already are) home educating. My son (nearly 4) is a quirky, adorable, autistic kid and this was going to be one way for him to form friendships with other home ed children.

We had our first mini one last week (starting small), and the three other kids singled out and picked on DS relentlessly, as soon as they worked out he was different. It was really uncomfortable to watch and when it descended into pushing and physical intimidation I intervened. DS stayed by my side for the rest of the time. He was quite sad and confused by what had happened - he’s very behind socially so didn’t have a full grasp that he was being picked on, but it was stressful for him. The older child was kinder and tried to invite him back into their games, but he didn’t want to by that point. He didn’t feel safe with them.

The other two mums were chatting while all this was going on (so was I until the point at which I intervened). They seemed oblivious to it all. One shouted across to their 4yo that they should ‘use words not hands’ when they saw he was pushing DS, but neither of them noticed the excluding of DS and the singling out. Or if they didn’t notice, they didn’t care. I’ve told them DS is autistic but, I guess, it’s an invisible disability and not everyone sees it for what it is. Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact. He tried to play with them but it went downhill fast for him.

I feel I can’t continue with these meets unless I can get the kids’ mothers to guide their own children more about how to be kind. I don’t judge the children - most young children behave this way, which is which we as adults guide them to behave better.

So basically WIBU to write to the mothers somehow outlining the above in as tactful a way as possible, or is that doomed to be misinterpreted as an attack on their kids / parenting?

And do I give these meet ups another chance of accept that DS will probably benefit more from 1:1s with more likeminded children are this stage?

No, don't write a letter that's not going to go down well at all.

It might be wise to give it one more go, as you said the older child was kind.

But really and truly, these children and yours sound as though they have completely different interests so it's possible forcing them together may have a detrimental effect on your son.

I suppose a 'plus' of being at school is that there are generally around 120 per year group to choose from, thus increasing the chances of him finding more like minded friends.

I wouldnt be rushing to arrange another playmdate with these bullies.
There are plenty of kids who are brought up nicely.

Those 'bullies' are 4 year old children...

I have childcare duties now but will be back later!

My daughter is only seven months old as we are probably a way away, but if I missed her excluding other children of being unkind, even at the young age of four or six where it probably isn't malicious as such, I would want someone to point it out to me so I could gently correct her.
Your little boy sounds absolutely lovely and gentle OP. Please do keep encouraging him to interact socially and building up a network but I do think it's a good idea to discuss any potential challenges with the mums beforehand next time, and absolutely let them know in the nicest way you can phrase it that some of the games their children were playing may not have been inclusive and kind. If they are also home schooled they too may need some help with social interactions.

Mermaid I’ve known these two mums for years and they both know DS is autistic. Or at least, I’ve told them. And I was telling them and hinting at them during the meet, but they seemed unable to grasp what I was saying. I was being what I thought was explicit as I could be without actively dating ‘please parent your child’. I think they just think it’s all rough and tumble play. It’s different when your kids are neurotypical. They’re not going to be hovering over them like I have to with DS.

I think you will find the homeschooling type parents are also “gentle parenting “ types. I dare say your child would get more support in a traditional schooling environment for his special needs than with the homeschooling mummies.

If you'd like to be part of this group, then, maybe, the way forward is to have playdates with each parent/child individually until your DS is comfortable with each of them and they are, hopefully, more understanding of him. You can then start meeting with two families.

It would be a way to bring up DS is quirkiness without being confrontational. "The last meet up was a bit disastrous for my DS. He struggles socially because of his autisim, can we have a few playdates to help him integrate into the larger group." Or similar.

It’s very difficult. My DS2 has ASD and went to a special preschool which was wonderful for him, although he didn’t really play ‘with’ the other children. Once he went to MS primary school he found that there were always some children who would play with him. Initially a girl from his class who struggled with joining in with the other girls, then in Y1 a sensitive boy who didn’t like the daily football games the other boys played.

I can understand you wanting to home school, but there are advantages to having a few more children to choose from, more likely to find ‘like minds.’

Home ed is the route we have chosen for him based on a lot of research and intimate knowledge of his needs. Can we keep this OT please

Their styles of play are too different, I think you need to seek out some children who enjoy the same type of play as your DS does.

At four years old many of them are developing their own socail skills. While it would be lovely for DS to be supported to join in, without consistent adult modelling it would more than likely to impossible for that to have come from them. It would be the equivalent of me learning to drive an articulated lorry while simultaneously teaching you to do the same.

In an early years setting or school children with AS often have support in place to help them form relationships and friendships. It is usually the more mature children who are selected to be their ‘special helper’.

Your best bet would be 1:1 with an emphatic older child or a younger child at a similar level of socail development.

I agree it sounds like these parents were looking to let their kids blow off steam outdoors, they probably didn’t want to have to closely supervise their kids words and actions. At that age they also probably want their kids to be leading their own play and starting to figure things out for themselves

It sounds like the situation is just not best suited to your DS. I really sympathise with how it must be a lot more difficult for you as a parent but as you said yourself, they don’t have a need to hover over their kids. A parent got involved when things became physical so it doesn’t seem like they were completely being left to run riot and abuse your son?

I have two quiet, anxious DDs who have ASD.

I would just focus on one to one playdates. Other parents are rarely open to hearing that their children have engaged in an subtle bullying you have described. They will dela with hitting, etc because it is more obvious. The subtle ganging up and excluding one child for fun is much more difficult for parents to accept and they will usually either ignore it, explain it away or tell you it is your child's fault.

Thank you all. Definitely helped to see it objectively: DS’s social needs are different. I’ll adjust accordingly.

Contact your local nas support group if you have one........ Ours has loads of meet ups and activities. It's a great way to meet families on the same wavelength.

Home Ed is obviously a valid choice, especially with SN, but you will have to try a different approach to play dates. I think 1:1 would be a very good starting point. Then the two of them would have to interact and there would be no ‘ganging up’ on him. Either in a neutral setting or at your home where your DS feels comfortable.

With home ed I find you have to find your people and that can take time. Like any situation there are many types of people who home ed and you won’t be friends with them all. It sounds like this group isn’t for your ds but are there usually plenty of other activities that go on in your area?(obviously not at the moment with Covid). Another option is to arrange to meet one on one with other parents instead of groups, even just visits to a museum or soft play when they reopen,

My youngest is 4 and loves turtles and birds too.

Some parents are just horrible and obviously don't care about others.

Also, you will need to supervise their interactions more closely than you would a NT child. Some sort of structured activity like a board game or party game type of thing, maybe races in the garden, then something unstructured like time on a trampoline that doesn’t involve too much communication to let them both let off steam? Keep play dates short and sweet and structured.

Obviously this may not work for your DS, but this was how I had to arrange things when my DS2 was your DS’s age.

when my DC were small and we were at this kind of thing i used to alert the parents, and then if nothing changed i had words with the offending child(ren) directly. (once it was a 4 year old boy smacking my 18month old on the head with a wooden brick).

If the other parents didn't like it and said something, i used to say "well, you clearly weren't going to stop the bullying/fighting so i did".

We home educated our Son untill he was 10. He was extremely sensitive and gentle and sometimes never left my side. I researched and found home edders local to me and we tried out lots of different meets and groups. It took a few years to really get into the swing of it and find our tribe so to speak. I'd get on the local online groups and forums and just try different stuff. What we found was there was a fairly large group of home edders (small city with rural surrounding area) but there were so many little groups within it. There was a regular large social meet up and my boy literally didn't leave my side for about 6 months. He slowly but surely found his quirky friends and made wonderful friendships with kids of all ages and he blossomed. We met so many parents of kids with special needs who had experienced horrific things in the education system. We never intended on home edding but knew our son would not have thrived. Your boy is so young yet.. don't be disheartened just meet other people and groups and you will definitely find some lovely inclusive people. Good luck

my son has ASD and this is something that we have experienced.
I am also a forest school leader and I wont work with homeschooling groups where the parents come and use it as a chance to have a natter round the fire, but it leaves you in an inbetween place where nobody really is in charge.

The problem with home ed (and I home edded my daughter for several years) is that many parents do not want an outside person controlling their child, so they dont want to leave the kids with you. But they are not keeping an eye on them themselves and ensuring the safety of the other children. Plus many dont like to say 'no' to their child and almost plead with them at times to just think about not doing the thing that they are doing, which is ineffectual and just leads to, Im sad to say, some kids behaving like little shits.
And if, as a leader, you step in and try to deal with a situation which is getting out of hand, they can often jump in if they think you might be telling their child off - which then means you lose credibility with the rest of the group.

So IF you want to do a meet up, Id stick to it being a very small playdate where the group mentality doesnt kick in and the kids can play one to one. Or find a small and nurturing group or nursery where the staff are trained and can protect your son while building his confidence. My son went to a wonderful nursery that did alot of outdoor work, including forest school, and he adored it. The friends he met there also got to know him and, as they passed through primary together, were supportive of him as they were used to his quirks, and they didnt let other kids pick on him so much as they had shared history, even if they were not his best buddies exactly. The familiarity was beneficial.
My son wanted friends, he just found playing in a mutually beneficial way difficult, as he wanted to control what they did and how they did it, and he struggled alot with people breaking his multiple and complex game rules. But the shared history from nursery meant that there was compassion for him and although he may have been frustrated and upset at times, it helped him to learn how to socialise better. He didnt want to be home educated. He found his little group in a small primary, and is still best friends with one of them despite being at different secondary schools for the last 5 years.

We tend to want to protect them, especially when we see them as so tiny and vulnerable, and struggling. Home ed can be the right path, but sometimes it isnt. For my daughter (also ASD) it was - she was overwhelmed by secondary school and it nearly broke her - but for my son it was the opposite, although we did need to find the RIGHT secondary school.

Your boy is little yet. Build his confidence with kind children. keep his world wide. We need more sensitive nature loving kind men in our world.

Hi OP.

My son (also autistic) was very much like yours at the age of 4. Didn't want to play "baddies and killing" but wanted to go exploring with compasses, den-building, etc.

If you are going to run a group with the aforementioned kids, engaging them in structured activities is going to be the way forward. This gives the kids (and most importantly, your son) a roadmap of what's going to happen/how people are supposed to act. But go into this with your eyes open - this work will likely fall 100% on your shoulders because the other parents seem happy to let their kids run around and play. This may be what works for them. Please note that since your child is in the minority, most if not all communication "deficits" will be blamed on him. You might want to read up on the double empathy theory written by Dr. Damian Milton. It explains it pretty well.

1-1 playdates, with a child he gets on with, are a good way forward. As is staying part of a group (one that works for you) because the more time kids have to get used to another's quirks, the more accepting they tend to be, when younger. Please note that your son's idea of being part of a group may not look "normal" to others, but get used to doing what works for you and protecting your son's mental health. If you need to leave early, leave early. If you need to shadow him, or let him have cool-down periods, then do what works.

I home educated my son for part of Year 1 and most of Year 2. I found the community hit or miss. Some parents were very soft-touch on the discipline and their kids tended to push (or outright break) boundaries. We personally chose to go back to school because we moved near a good one.

As with most things, it takes time to find your community and roots. It is always a balance between preserving mental health and helping them navigate the world (and changing the world for them when you can). Hope this helps a little.

Teachers have limited training on SN I think 1/2 a day during their degree.

They then usually have a TA to help supervise or run interventions.

It’s like any setting, you either fit or you don’t. You need to change the setting.

I also wouldn’t insist on X Y or Z for these kids or their parents, you’ll alienate both of you more.