Friends’ children picking on my autistic son

[ThisIsMySanderling]

This feels so awkward. I’d been hoping to start a weekly forest meet up for friends with children who are thinking about (or already are) home educating. My son (nearly 4) is a quirky, adorable, autistic kid and this was going to be one way for him to form friendships with other home ed children.

We had our first mini one last week (starting small), and the three other kids singled out and picked on DS relentlessly, as soon as they worked out he was different. It was really uncomfortable to watch and when it descended into pushing and physical intimidation I intervened. DS stayed by my side for the rest of the time. He was quite sad and confused by what had happened - he’s very behind socially so didn’t have a full grasp that he was being picked on, but it was stressful for him. The older child was kinder and tried to invite him back into their games, but he didn’t want to by that point. He didn’t feel safe with them.

The other two mums were chatting while all this was going on (so was I until the point at which I intervened). They seemed oblivious to it all. One shouted across to their 4yo that they should ‘use words not hands’ when they saw he was pushing DS, but neither of them noticed the excluding of DS and the singling out. Or if they didn’t notice, they didn’t care. I’ve told them DS is autistic but, I guess, it’s an invisible disability and not everyone sees it for what it is. Their kids are all neurotypical and play typically boisterous games about getting baddies etc. DS is a very sensitive boy who likes sea turtles and wrens. He doesn’t understand boisterous play and he doesn’t like the fast cartoons they all watch and re-enact. He tried to play with them but it went downhill fast for him.

I feel I can’t continue with these meets unless I can get the kids’ mothers to guide their own children more about how to be kind. I don’t judge the children - most young children behave this way, which is which we as adults guide them to behave better.

So basically WIBU to write to the mothers somehow outlining the above in as tactful a way as possible, or is that doomed to be misinterpreted as an attack on their kids / parenting?

And do I give these meet ups another chance of accept that DS will probably benefit more from 1:1s with more likeminded children are this stage?

Thanks so much to those with real insight and experience for posting - it has been so, so helpful to hear your experiences. So, I think you’re right. I will be renewing my efforts to find suitable children for play dates - it’s tricky as the area we live in has a rather obviously NT demographic base, unlike the university town we used to live in, which was crawling with oddballs like us

Elizabeth the designated female space on the slide thing was hilarious, thank you I understand what you mean about the more radical end of the home ed spectrum, however, I want to counter it by saying that I’ve stopped having play dates with quite a few village school mums because I found the constant shouty disciplining of their children, who were doing nothing wrong, nerve fraying and stressful. I like gentle parenting but with very firm and obvious boundaries where hurting and being mean and disrespectful are involved.

DS is not just autistic, he’s also dyspraxic and almost certainly will be diagnosed with ADHD when he’s older. School would be beyond stressful for him for so many reasons. He also learns completely differently from other children, easily memorising words and complex shapes, poems, and phrases in foreign languages, but unable to do very simple puzzles, and refuses to do any art, craft, play dough, messy play etc.

I will back out of further meet ups with these families, except as part of the more structured, bigger forest school ones that were good pre-lockdown. I just don’t feel I have the experience to basically run my own forest school for their kids just in order to get them to interact with DS healthily. I have a 19mo too. And these kids, though I do like their mums, clearly have nothing in common with DS. I didn’t appreciate how important that is - last year and the year before, they were 2 and 3 and it didn’t matter at all if they liked Peppa Pig while he liked numbers. Now the differences are more pronounced and spikier, somehow.

Thank you gobbycop

bazookas These women know DS is autistic, and I’ve known them for about 2.5 years. I strongly hinted at them to step in when it was getting mean, mentioning again that it’s because he’s a bit delayed socially, autistic etc, and they didn’t get it and did nothing. Their lack of response was not my fault. I was however clearly naive to set it up in the first place.

Fair enough re backing out OP - we have one friend whose son REALLY cannot stand DS2 (who has been referred for an assessment for autism) and has previously been rather shit to him. We tend to see her and her son with when I only have DS1 (who is very like her son in many ways and gels with him) in tow.

Her son has actually provided us with the material for useful conversations with DS1 as to how well he generally manages his brother, so that is at least a silver lining!

Oh good- glad it's all helped. Incidentally I wouldn't necesarily write off school for those reasons- he sounds a lot like DD (she isn't dyspraxic but does see a physio for other physical issues) and school has suited her brilliantly- it is part if a large academy chain which is known for its structure, so much less messy play and loads more phonics. She (in retrospect) didn't like her very relaxed, free play nursery at all. She gets to do heaps of memorising Mandarin, lots of number games and reads, reads reads(she also used to memorise whole books at 2, which was a neat party trick).

There's a lot of teacher led play and lunchtime clubs as well, which helps the playground side of things.

Anyway, I was sceptical but it's working out well because she loves the rigidity of it. I've had to adjust my thinking quite a lot because I very much tend towards the no formal school until later, loads of free play camp. Home ed wasn't an option for us anyway but I also totally get trying that first, but just wanted to mention it in case anyone else is reading and agonising.

weary Your post is really full of ablest assumptions. Yuck. You sound lovely.

Thanks breadandroses I think the phonics at school thing also wouldn't suit (he's known them since babyhood!) BUT we have a few small schools as back up if he wants to go when he's older, who have said that they move children up and down year groups by ability where necessary, because they're small mixed age classes so it makes no sense for them to keep children working within year groups they already know the material. Hey, DS used to regurgitate all his storybooks at 2 as well! . Anyway, he has PDA traits and, unusually for an autistic child, dislikes rigidity and structure imposed from outside. We'll see what happens - we're home edding for now, and may move somewhere with more promising secondaries if need be, when the time comes.

I think structured activities are easier for dc at that age generally.

My eldest has ASD and dyspraxia. From experience I would say avoid playdates that involve physical play like forests, sports, trampoline parks, swimming pools etc etc. especially in big groups. You're not playing to your child's strengths, and other children will find them frustrating when they can't keep up or play in the same way. These sorts of activities might be better with just one child. Unstructured activities are also difficult and confusing for a lot of autistic children.
My child does better in groups when the play is more sedentary and structured as it plays more to their strengths, so computer games, baking, craft, "science" experiences, nature hunts and that sort of thing.

I would speak to the parents and ask them to speak to their children explaining your sons needs. I had this in my year 7 tutor group where a child with autism was being picked on, mainly because the kids didn’t understand the child. With the child and parents permission we spoke to the whole tutor group when the child with autism wasn’t in the room and it worked very well. These children were 11 so not sure if yours are too young.

PDA makes a difference to my advice. The DC with PDA that I supported in primary school had to be the leader in her games with others. It made friendships quite difficult. She tended to need a very docile friend who was happy to follow her lead. Good luck OP. There are always positives to be found. Strengths as well as weaknesses.

The DC with PDA used to play quite elaborate imaginative games, but her friend had to follow her ‘rules.’

I think the other n t children dont quite understand him and why he wont / cant do the things that they do, if he has dyspraxia for instance they wont understand why he may not be good at kicking or catching the ball, or running, or playing the more boisterous games

That sounds really sad OP.

I would agree with others maybe try some play dates with others who share similar interests as your son.

My son nearly 7 has GDD and tends to get on well with people younger than him. They are more in to his games which are mostly dinosaur and farm related lol! I have stopped trying to get him to play with other children his own age it just wasn’t working.

When we did try they were vile to DS, threw stuff at him when he tries climbing up a ladder, laughed at his love of dinosaurs. Really got my back up. I never saw that friend with her kids ever again.

That’s so sad. Kids excluded me from joining in with things when I was little because I was very introverted. It was so upsetting and caused me to have terrible anxiety.
Shame on the parents for not stepping in and telling their children to stop being so mean.

Three and four year olds are not bullies! They're just learning!
Bullying is repeated, deliberate, targeted behaviour. Not just 'leaving out' or playing rough, which is entirely normal at this age and part of their social development.

I think you just need to seek out more gentle children for your son to socialise with. My two were never into playing boysterous games. And they have managed to find many like-minded friends. They do exist. They might just be a bit fewer and further between. X

@ExHE1234 sorry to hear you have been through it too.

Totally agree with the realisation that people are not 'all that' after all.

What a disappointment.

I have one friend who goes out on a limb for me. Just one. And she makes a HUGE difference to our lives because of it. I never ask, I never expect. But sometimes she comes through for me and I am beyond grateful.

There are other who could do the same. Quite a few others. Who would probably consider themselves 'kind, inclusive, supportive of those with disabilities' and a 'good friend' of mine, yet time and time and time again, they don't EVER come through. Not once, not in over a decade of knowing each other. Their children's needs to a perfect social life 100% of the time trumps anything and everything. They are selfish through and through yet somehow they imagine themselves to be quite 'giving and open, supportive of everyone'.

It's the self-delusion I can't stand!

Anyway, #rantover! LOL!

I may be mis-understanding the situation and apologies if so, but it makes me think about my friend's very protective stance to her child with ASD. He loved cowboys, absolutely loved them. And whatever the kids were playing, he wanted to be a cowboy. She expected the other kids to accommodate that (cowboys in space, cowboys on a pirate ship - you get the picture). The other kids did not want that and ended up 'excluding him'. I always thought it was a really sad situation as actually the other kid's needs and wants mattered too and I wondered whether there was a way to help my friend's child play other people's games too. He was actually very controlling and that's what I think the other kids were reacting to. Is any of this relevant here?

I understand where you're coming from OP and it can't be easy, but the way you're talking about the other children (3 and 4 year olds!) paints them as villains and doesn't seem to take into consideration their needs and wants, which are just as important as your ds's.

My dd (a bit older than your son) had an ASD friend who was v controlling, didn't let her play with other children, and it was making my DD really stressed and socially isolated. Whenever she tried to get away, the other girl would cry and call her mean, say she was being excluded etc. I stopped facilitating the playdates which I'm sure upset the other girl but my DD is my priority as I'm the children in your OP (who are playing in perfectly age appropriate ways) are to their parents. You'll get nowhere lecturing them on how to modify their kids' behaviour to suit your son's.