Nicknames... particularly ethnic names

[buildingbridge]

Hello,

This is a problem that I've encountered time and time again but did not want to come across as "stuck up" or you know "she's one of THOSE".

I have an ethnic name, and people always shorten it!!! I just hate it. I'm sure this is the same for all names that may be a bit long or much difficult to pronounce . But, I started some training for my new job and this new colleague, who has just met me, begins to call me a shorter version of my name. I laughed and said "Ha Ha, I prefer (my full name)".
He took a double take and since then, is acting frosty towards me .

I just don't understand. I was not rude, I made it into a joke. I just don't want people to sue a shorten version of my name. None of my friends do this as they know I don't like it. Am I being a bit "stuck up"? How can I approach this in a nice way.

No, that's his problem that he took it that way. Dh does this a lot and shortens peoples' names without being asked to and it drives me mad. I will call people whatever they introduce themselves to me as unless they change it at a later time. It's your name and you have the right to be called whichever version of it you prefer. He shouldnt have shortened it without permission. My name is short and people lengthen it without permission but I quite like that they do that, it makes me feel like they're relaxed around me.

People often seem to take offence at being told someone prefers the full version of their name. I'm not sure why.

No. I do not understand why people shorten others' names if the person doesn't do it themselves. If some one is introduced to me as David or Joseph or Jennifer then until they say everyone calls me dave, jo, Jenny or sign off with a different version then I stick to their name.

Hes probably just a bit irked to be corrected and will hopefully find it within himself to move forward without rancour, like a grown up.

He was the one being rude. Randomly shortening someone’s name shows a complete lack of social awareness.

YANBU and not stuck up at all, and if he's shortening it to Anglicise it then there's a racial element to it too. He needs to use the name you prefer and if he can't pronounce it, learn.

There are areas in England where they shorten all the names. All! English, Asian, Eastern Europan. All. Mine (foreign) is now a odd male version of mine🤦

He is being rude about it. If you prefer full name, he should accept it.

Interesting. As a teacher I usually shorten certain names in the register (E.g. Oluwafemi becomes Femi and Oluwatobi becomes Tobi) as lots of African names start with Oluwa and students usually go by the second part.

I’m in a similar situation and get my name shortened all the time. One of my parents has a very ethnic name that never gets used because people couldn’t say it so English people changed it to what they could say...

So think Huzaifah but they all say Helen.

I’ve grown up used to it but realised the other day just how wrong it is.

My name isn’t as ethnic but isn’t English either and it’s very easy to say but people still shorten it and I hate it...

So think;

Sadia but people call me Sad or even Sadie!

And like you, they roll their eyes when I politely correct them “Sorry, but I do prefer Sadia please can you call me by my full name?” and I’ve even been called “Princess” and “Snob/Stuck Up”.

I’m sorry, I don’t know what the answer is but you have my sympathies!

“Sad” has caught on at work thanks to stupid Zoom conferences and now my entire department is calling me Sad.

It’s not just an “ethnic” thing though. Just this week I’ve heard a Chelsea being called “Chels” and a Kirsten “Cursed”.

People are just dicks .

As PP if he's shortening to Anglicise it, it's definitely discriminatory. I get it a lot and I hate any shortening of my name, I always say oh it's full name actually.... If they persist in really blunt and say I really hate that shortening of my name. Interestingly my husband goes by his full name and it's a name that's more often shortened than not in the UK but people don't seem to do it to him.

@Bobbiepin

Interesting. As a teacher I usually shorten certain names in the register (E.g. Oluwafemi becomes Femi and Oluwatobi becomes Tobi) as lots of African names start with Oluwa and students usually go by the second part.

I assume you ask first though. He didn't

It's rude to do this to anybody, I think, particularly if you've only just met them. But quite a few people seem to do it.

IMO it comes across as extra rude when someone does it with an "ethnic" name. It has a bit of a "can't be bothered learning to pronounce your silly foreign name, so here's my simplified/anglicised version of it, which is obviously what you ought to be called" vibe.

Surely you ask if that’s ok first though and don’t automatically assume @Bobbiepin?

I've had some people tell me that they can't pronounce my name, so they would rather shorten it as it's easier. Ffs!

Am I being a bit "stuck up"?

No you're not. You prefer your name the way you do - it's your right and people should be able to respect that, especially after you've said so.

How can I approach this in a nice way.

You've actually done what most wouldn't do (judging from MN posts re: being called a different/shortened/lengthened name) by laughing, then correcting accordingly. You were nice. Not sure what else you could do except bend backwards and apologise for liking your name the way you like it.

I know some people like to shorten people's names upon introduction in a way of showing they're being friendly and comfortable and if they're corrected, they may feel the person doesn't want to be friendly back or is rejecting them.

I don't know...people have problems but it's not your job to sort out these issues for them. Hopefully he'll come around. If not, oh well.

I would just say that's not my name! My son does it to me! He's stopped calling me mum and started calling me what he considers as a shortened version of my name but it's not because my name can't be shortened so he's just calling me a similar name!

I like to shorten people's names or give them nicknames (as an 'endearment' thing) BUT only after I've known them enough to know they wouldn't mind or if we're comfortable with each other. Never upon introduction and wouldn't get the huff if I was corrected anyway - that's just rude and a bit controlling tbh. Why would I want to impose a name on somebody who doesn't want it?!

as lots of African names start with Oluwa

Lots of Yoruba (one of the ethnic groups in Nigeria) names start with Oluwa.

and students usually go by the second part
Yes, many do shorten their own names.

@Andthewinnerislucky do you say “Do you mind if I call you x?” first?

If you don’t please do! I’ve known my boss for 3 years and she’s only recently started calling me Sad as a nickname, no doubt as a term of endearment and so on for the rest of the department. But I hate it. And I don’t feel comfortable saying to her, “Please call me Sadia”. Most people shorten it as a “term of endearment” once we are comfortable with each other, but that doesn’t mean I like it and it’s very difficult to make people see that.

So think Huzaifah but they all say Helen

That's just utterly disrespectful, to say the least. Not even Huza or Ifah but a whole other name? Ridiculous!

I've met someone who claimed they couldn't pronounce non-english/anglicised names that are quite easy to pronounce (Primary school phonics lessons will do the trick easily) but would proudly show off their pronounciation of other names like Tchaikovsky, etc (as though it was a great achievement to know these names) where some letters are silent or said differently and you wouldn't know unless you're familiar with the pronunciation already.

Called this person out once when I couldn't take the hypocrisy anymore and that was the end of it. The right pronounciation of names came out afterall.

That's just utterly disrespectful, to say the least. Not even Huza or Ifah but a whole other name? Ridiculous!

It is utterly disrespectful but Huza or Ifah wouldn’t have been far off being just as rude to be honest. Just call people by their actual names unless they introduce themselves otherwise! Like you say, it’s amazing how people can manage “Tchaikovsky”
or “Dostoevsky” but not Hussain or Oksana for example.

Is it not a basic courtesy to call anyone and everyone by the name they introduce themselves with ?

Or am I officially fuddy-duddy now ?

"Hi, I'm David - call me Dave" - OK to call them Dave.
"Hi, I'm Dave." - call them David

(that's a real life example from a former workplace. The guy had his email address altered to have DAVID in upper case ..)

Maybe having a name that can lend itself to informal shortening (which I detest) myself makes me more aware ? I would certainly suggest that messing around with short/long names is a gift for fans of passive-aggressive behaviour . And even more so if it crosses ethnicity and people can "struggle" with long names (because "Ranjit is so much harder to say than "Ranj" for example )

YANBU

People should be allowed to use whatever versions of their names they like, PILs go by the shortened Angicized versions of their names, my dad is called by a completely different name by his friends (character from his favourite comic) and by his non English name by his colleagues, my 4 year old will correct everyone with "I'm not Alex, I'm Alexander"*

*Not his real name.

A few BAME Hollywood actors have spoken out about how people struggle to pronounce their names, where no one struggles to pronounce the unusual names of white actors.

[quote NameChange84]@Andthewinnerislucky do you say “Do you mind if I call you x?” first?

If you don’t please do! I’ve known my boss for 3 years and she’s only recently started calling me Sad as a nickname, no doubt as a term of endearment and so on for the rest of the department. But I hate it. And I don’t feel comfortable saying to her, “Please call me Sadia”. Most people shorten it as a “term of endearment” once we are comfortable with each other, but that doesn’t mean I like it and it’s very difficult to make people see that.[/quote]
I get what you mean. Actually I never used to ask directly but would usually make a big deal out of the "nickname" I'm giving them and we'd joke about it first to 'sound it out'. A few would suggest something different or tweak it.

However I learned to ask directly and only ever give these nicknames to people who're really comfortable with me/friends anyway (as in, we have a good rapport and banter going). It's really not for everyone I know and the relationship has to have been that close/comfortable enough for me to feel that way. Wouldn't do so to an employee unless we were really friends outside work and on equal footing.

I was just about to post about the comment "a lot of African surnames begin with..." and I'm glad someone beat me to it.