Nicknames... particularly ethnic names

[buildingbridge]

Hello,

This is a problem that I've encountered time and time again but did not want to come across as "stuck up" or you know "she's one of THOSE".

I have an ethnic name, and people always shorten it!!! I just hate it. I'm sure this is the same for all names that may be a bit long or much difficult to pronounce . But, I started some training for my new job and this new colleague, who has just met me, begins to call me a shorter version of my name. I laughed and said "Ha Ha, I prefer (my full name)".
He took a double take and since then, is acting frosty towards me .

I just don't understand. I was not rude, I made it into a joke. I just don't want people to sue a shorten version of my name. None of my friends do this as they know I don't like it. Am I being a bit "stuck up"? How can I approach this in a nice way.

I have a 'foreign' name that I think is lovely in the language, but have had people change it to a similar sounding but English name because it's 'prettier' and 'more feminine'. It's not easier to pronounce, it's just that they don't like my name and choose to rename me! That is not a friendly thing and I find it very disrespectful.

It is utterly disrespectful but Huza or Ifah wouldn’t have been far off being just as rude to be honest

I agree. I just meant they didn't even shorten it in their bid to not be "able to pronounce the name" but giving the person a whole other name that has nothing to do with their name is mind-blowingly weird.

Tbf the pronunciation issue can be real, not just an ignorance. Some languages have things others don't and if you are not used to it, it can be near impossible. It may be a sound or a combination of letters.

I wonder if this is another area where there's that "subtle" difference between men and women ? Men being quite upfront in correcting people over their name while simultaneously being less likely to be a victim of unwelcome name shortening ?

If someone tried to call me by a shortened version of my name, I hope I wouldn't be an arsehole over it, but I would certainly say something.

(Mind you, DW goes only by her diminutive. It's how she introduces herself and you will get both barrels if you try to use the "proper" version )

Interesting. As a teacher I usually shorten certain names in the register (E.g. Oluwafemi becomes Femi and Oluwatobi becomes Tobi) as lots of African names start with Oluwa and students usually go by the second part

I think you're missing the point here - OP is talking about a situation where she didn't ask for or want her name to be shortened - not one where people have told you their preferred name.

Just call people by their actual names unless they introduce themselves otherwise!

I fully agree and this is what I do. Have never thought of calling someone something else (not even a popular shortened name) upon introduction.

Even if I couldn't pronounce their name, I ask them again and make a note of it to make sure I practice till I learn. It's quite arrogant to think you can 'rename' someone for your own convenience.

It's not just a male/female thing - I've seen females tell other females they can't pronounce their actual name so will just call them something else.

At my children's school they have a box in the entry forms, for nicknames. None of my children have nicknames, so I just write their names. I don't think teachers should shorten African names because they sound similar. You should call kids by the names they prefer. I'm not great with languages, but I think you can learn most names if you try.

Well I have a very "English" first and last name and I get called all sorts! Especially in work emails people assume my last name is my first or come up with something vaguely like my name that starts with the same initial. it's worse when they start addressing me by one of my brothers' names as that always throws me a bit! I do try to be good humoured if I feel I have to correct them.

Years back I started in a new team and one colleague was listed as Patricia. When I met her I asked "do you go by Pat or Trish or something?" I got the icy reply "a pat is what a cow leaves in a field." So Patricia it was from then on!!

I don’t understand why people take it upon themselves to hear what someone’s name is and then decide that they will call them someone different! When I worked in customer services it was drilled into us to call a customer what they introduced themselves as, whether that be Dave or Mrs Jones. You continue calling them that name until they tell you otherwise. It’s just ignorant to call people something that they haven’t asked to be called

I also had an issue where someone decided to shorten my not unusual and not at all ethnic name - think Rosemary to Rose. The issue came in that there was another Rose on the team so to prevent confusion, she went by Rose and I went by Rosemary. When I said to the contractor ‘sorry, I do prefer to be called Rosemary.’ He actually went and complained to my manager that I had been rude! Turned out to be the tip of the iceberg with him and he lost our contract because of his issues!

I don’t think wanting to be called by your name is stuck up. It’s a bit weird being offended by someone who wants you to call them by their name and not one you made up for them is it not? Guy was either quite embarrassed and giving you a wide berth, or he’s an asshat!

You aren't bring stuck up telling people that your name is X and that's what you want to be called.

I know quite a few people whose nickname or name they go by has absolutely nothing to do with their actual first name so making up shortened versions of people's first names regardless of the origin of their name is just plain rude.

I have great sympathy with people who have issues to pronounce some names, but no sympathy with people who do "Nope. Can't say it, will call you x".
Nope. I am sure people are aware of how difficult their name may be if they indeed have a difficult sound or letter combination in it, so have usually some version they are ok with. But it's up to them to offer the version. Not being told x is now your name.

I don’t understand why people take it upon themselves to hear what someone’s name is and then decide that they will call them someone different!

It can be a tad passive-aggressive. Or downright racist. I hadn't thought of it being sexist, but as I started wondering upthread, I wonder if there's an element of that too

Hi, glad you could come on board, meet the team. Here's Bernard, Robert, Stephen and Francis. And over there Sue, Pat, Liz and Bobbi

Or have I been on MN so long my minds gone a bit weird ?

I have an often shortened name and I am always grateful when people either use the full version to start with (I always introduce myself as my unshortened name) and wait to be asked (only family and close friends tend to use the shortened version) or at least say "is xxxx okay?" And then don't get huffy when I say I that I prefer xxxxxxxxx

I don’t have an English name and people shorten it and it pisses me off, I don’t like the shorten version of my name. People don’t pronounce properly half the time anyway, then bloody shorten it, I just say sorry my name is xxxxxxxx, if they continue to refer to me as the short version I ignore them because I don’t want to be called that. When I worked in policing my surname was one that had a famous phrase attached to it was called by my surname constantly, literally no one not even the sergeant would call me by my first name, even now when I bump into people I worked with they still call me it.

I had a boss years ago who insisted on shortening everyone’s names. He thought it made him sound friendly and approachable. It just made him an arrogant twat.

I have a longish, but perfectly familiar/easy to say, name (something like Amanda & Mandy or Samantha & Sam) and dislike the short version but the vast majority just plough on calling me the short form. I've pretty much given up correcting people now (because regardless of if I do it jokingly, kindly or politely A) people carry on calling me the short form B) they react as if I'm being difficult C) suggest an alternative short version I could use). In my family and friendship groups I mostly use a totally unrelated nickname and there are people who have known me for decades that don't know my actual name.

I think two things to this:

1. it is always rude to change or shorten someone's name for them
2. it is worse if your name is not from the majority language, because it raises the awkward wondering of is it rudeness+racism, rather than just rudeness - this concern makes it harder to correct I think

I have a common British name, which has many variants. I regularly get called another variant, or I get a common nickname. I correct every time - even in meetings - and if there is a repeat offender I sometimes just ignore them if they use the wrong one.

I got in big trouble at school for not answering to a name that wasn't mine so I carry a lot of rage about this.

Names I find hard, I try to practice.

So yanbu at all.

This being England, of course, there's a whole fucktonne of class issues at play too. The casual assumption by some that they can just call you what they like is certainly bound up in a sense of superiority with some.

I know quite a few people whose nickname or name they go by has absolutely nothing to do with their actual first name so making up shortened versions of people's first names regardless of the origin of their name is just plain rude.

Welcome to the Italian community

One of my friends introduced us to her new boyfriend "johnny", after a few times of meeting and me calling him Johnny he said "actually it's just John not johnny". He said it politely, but I was mortified! Couldn't believe I'd been calling him by a nickname he didn't like, I apologised and have called him John ever since.

That guy at your work was being an asshole. There is no reason to not call someone by their preferred name, and if you call them the wrong thing and they point it out then YOU are the one in the wrong who should apologise and use the right name.

If he continues to refer to you by the shortened version I would just pick it up and politely comment on it each time.

My name is not unusual but people expect it to be shortened.

In most of the places I've worked, the person tasked with introducing me to the rest of the team will always say "do you prefer that name, or..." and waits expectantly for me to denounce my own name and tell them I don't like it and want to be called something else. It's fucking rude!

When I was younger, I used to say I didn't care as I felt railroaded into doing what others preferred but as I got older, I realised I do bloody care!

In some ways it's an ideal twat-detector, as the people (invariably men) who shorten my name without even asking tend to be arrogant pricks to watch out for in general.

@DGRossetti

This being England, of course, there's a whole fucktonne of class issues at play too. The casual assumption by some that they can just call you what they like is certainly bound up in a sense of superiority with some.

Oh yes this too!

No, you're not at all rude to prefer your name said in it's proper form, and not a nickname.

I know I'm the WORST for shortening names, or using nicknames. But if someone says "actually I prefer X", then I make a proper point to do as I'm asked from then on. It's not difficult. And I'm really trying to break my shortening/nickname habit!