Nicknames... particularly ethnic names

[buildingbridge]

Hello,

This is a problem that I've encountered time and time again but did not want to come across as "stuck up" or you know "she's one of THOSE".

I have an ethnic name, and people always shorten it!!! I just hate it. I'm sure this is the same for all names that may be a bit long or much difficult to pronounce . But, I started some training for my new job and this new colleague, who has just met me, begins to call me a shorter version of my name. I laughed and said "Ha Ha, I prefer (my full name)".
He took a double take and since then, is acting frosty towards me .

I just don't understand. I was not rude, I made it into a joke. I just don't want people to sue a shorten version of my name. None of my friends do this as they know I don't like it. Am I being a bit "stuck up"? How can I approach this in a nice way.

In some ways it's an ideal twat-detector, as the people (invariably men) who shorten my name without even asking tend to be arrogant pricks to watch out for in general.

Interesting ... so there possibly is a degree of everyday sexism to it too ? With a lot of women being expected to just put up with it ?

I think it has a lot to do with power play. "If you name it, you own it ..." sort of thing.

Ive been married 23 years and my parents will only refer to my husband by his full name. No one else does, and he doesn’t think anyone ever has. Its a very ordinary english name (like Chris - Christopher). He introduced himself as the shortened version.

I agree with the twat detector. With a few notable exceptions, the people who assume shortening is okay tend not to be so empathetic and I often find other things they do to be inconsiderate too.

I just think the key is to look at/listen to the name people introduce themselves as and go from there.

@Progress2019

Ive been married 23 years and my parents will only refer to my husband by his full name. No one else does, and he doesn’t think anyone ever has. Its a very ordinary english name (like Chris - Christopher). He introduced himself as the shortened version.

I just wouldn't put up with it, why do you and he let them???

I agree with the twat detector. With a few notable exceptions, the people who assume shortening is okay tend not to be so empathetic and I often find other things they do to be inconsiderate too.

Me too.

With very few exceptions who were genuinely kind people attempting to be sweet in a “my kid sister” way, almost every name shortener has either been a) a man with a sexual interest in me, b) a white, middle aged man on a power trip c) a woman who for whatever reason wants to “put me in my place”.

Yeah that was very rude of your colleague. Tbh I have a very English name (think Mary) and people still sometimes shorten it to one syllable (think Mare) and I find that incredibly irritating, and that’s not even tied up with the inherently racist unwillingness of certain British people to attempt to pronounce non-British names correctly. You were not wrong to correct him and he is an arse for being frosty about it!

@NameChange84 YES I agree, my name is almost exclusively shortened by older white men with a sexual interest in me (including an adult man who sexually harassed me as a teenager) and it is definitely used to demean me.

with the inherently racist unwillingness of certain British people to attempt to pronounce non-British names correctly.

Not just unwillingness but a clear deliberate refusal to try.

I'm vaguely reminded of Romesh Ranganathans parents actually christening him "Jonathan" to head of racists. (In much the same way my DM "won" the naming of me and my brothers, so we have "English" first names, and Italian middle names - mine being "Giuseppe" or Joseph).

I don't shorten names I don't understand.

When I was little, I shortened a friend's name casually once and she explained shortening it actually changed her name to a boy's name. I'm so glad she explained - it's a lesson that's stuck for life.

My DH has a non-English name and gets wound up when people ask if they can call him "Mo" because they can't pronounce it. Just learn how to effing pronounce it! It's two syllables.

I'd posit that you should have told him everyone uses your full name. He was upset because he assumed you were singling him out. (And he's more likely to be touchy about his social standing because he is the "new" guy.) Telling someone to use formal terms typically indicates you are being "unfriendly" - enforcing a symbolic distance between you. However, if everyone uses your full name then you clearly intend such nomenclature to be informal.

Humans use names and titles as social cues, to indicate how comfortable they feel around other people. For example, there is an inherent difference between aunt and auntie.

It's a standard English thing. Nicholas nearly always becomes Nick. TerryTel, Nigel Nige, Anthony Tony and even Tone. Sajid Javid became Saj and then The Saj among his party pals. There are countless examples: Liz, Sal, Di, Col, Ed and some have multiple variants, like Vicky, Vick, Vi. It's a liking for informality, rather like calling someone mate. Even the BBC does it with politicians' names. They refer to Kenneth Clarke as Ken. He always used to be Kenneth. Rebecca Long-Bailey began to be called Becky. It could have been worse if they'd started going with Becks.

People who take exception to being asked to use the proper name remind me of those who call people darling and bristle if they are asked not to. I guess they see it as a way of being agreeable, friendly, sociable and nice and that pulling them up on it is a breach of goodwill and social manners, akin to a repudiation or even a hostile act.

He was upset because he assumed you were singling him out. (And he's more likely to be touchy about his social standing because he is the "new" guy.)

OP is the new person!

@buildingbridge

I've had some people tell me that they can't pronounce my name, so they would rather shorten it as it's easier. Ffs!

Yes, people either mangle my foreign name (both pronunciation and spelling) or shorten it when I don't want them to.

I can understand them not being able to pronounce it when they've never come across it before, but it's not hard to learn, if they just asked (three syllables, which all appear in English, so no new sounds).

At school people in my class called me a shortened version, which I hated. They didn't shorten our other classmates' names (all common in Britain) unless they wanted it though.

My family and partner call me a different shortened version, which is fine, but it's only for them, so it really annoys me when my ex still calls me it (though he does know how to pronounce the full version).

When I was 13 the daughter of some Japanese friends of my parents came to stay for the summer holidays to improve her English. Her name was Yuki. Very simple, easy to pronounce.

We volunteered at a local summer programme and when I introduced her to the manager then first thing she said was urgh, I won't be pronouncing that. I'll call you Polly. A couple of the other women in charge agreed and started chuntering on about foreign names.

I was so outraged on her behalf

Raining, that's awful.

We used to have a Korean nanny with an all-American sounding name.

She explained that it wasn't her real name but that when she first learned English in Korea, the teacher made them all pick new names to use in English-speaking countries otherwise they wouldn't fit in.

I remember thinking what an awful message English-speaking countries must be sending out to the rest of the world for our intolerance to be part of the curriculum in other countries.

Whatever the reason, not you're not being unreasonable OP, keep telling them til they get it.
Mine's not a name shortening gripe, but a pronunciation one.I've got a short 2 syllable (English) name. It's said exactly as it's spelt, but I'm lucky if one in 20 people say it correctly even if I introduce myself clearly (and say it more than once).By accident, I found serial mis-pronouncers suddenly got it right when I ignored them. It wasn't deliberate; someone would call over to me and because we didn't have eye contact/ weren't in close proximity, I'd ignore them. When they huffed and puffed, I'd just say "I wasn't ignoring you, but my name's Karen not Caroline so of course I didn't respond". Said in a baffled, slightly hurt tone. Repeatedly.And then I started correcting people as a matter of course
The people who got it wrong fell into 3 groups; those were just a bit lazy or who had difficulty processing (be especially kind, they're not trying to wind you up); those who were deliberately mispronouncing it as a form of micro-aggression/way to dismiss me - think male colleagues in very male dominated profession who I was outperforming, and those who thought that lengthening (?) my name to a diminutive of something else was more friendly.
(not) Strangely, the ones who just called me by my name became some of my best friends :)
To some people, automatically shortening your name can be a friendly thing, because it suggests a degree (or hoped for degree) of intimacy or familiarity in your relationship. If you don't like it let them know gently.

How annoying! Is it like being called Mohammed and automatically being called Mo? It's just so over familiar and unnecessary. I have a one syllable name and mine gets lengthened say my names 'kat' some people have known me for years and randomly come out with 'katerina' 'kathrine' etc. I used to not even correct people as I was really shy

You haven't done anything wrong, OP.

I have a Welsh name and get the following a lot:

"Mari? What kind of name is that?" - "it's Welsh for Mary" - "oh, I can't possibly learn that, I'll call you Mary"

No, no you won't. I always put my foot down in these situations now I'm an adult. Mari - Marry. It's not difficult, I'd rather you get the Welsh wrong and call me 'Marie' than just switch to the English version, that's not my name!

"Hi, I'm Eleri" "euh, ellery?" "No, Eleri to rhyme with Terry, not Ellery to rhyme with celery" "Euh? Ellie?" "No, Eleri" "Well, that's just too hard, I'll call you Ellie/Ellery instead then".

I correct people from 'Ellery' to 'Eleri' a few times, then just live with it. Most people get it right. I'm not comfortable correcting people repeatedly as I was told off at primary school for (politely) correcting a teacher who pronounced my name wrong, think 'Ellery' 'it's Eleri, miss'. I was told it was very rude to correct someone who gets your name wrong and it created a habit of not feeling comfortable doing so. I was 5 at the time and confused as to what I'd done wrong!

@Andthewinnerislucky

as lots of African names start with Oluwa

Lots of Yoruba (one of the ethnic groups in Nigeria) names start with Oluwa.

and students usually go by the second part
Yes, many do shorten their own names.

You're completely right, my apologies. Most of the African students I teach are Yoruba, almost all are West African. A generalisation where there shouldn't have been.

Many also have "Western" names which I will use but their names are so beautiful I far prefer then. I'll take Olayemi over Stephen any day!

I used to be called Muhammad, I didn’t like my name but I didn’t want it to be shortened (especially as Little/Big Mo were on Eastenders at the time). At school if a teacher called me Mo I always replied eith Hammad as I did used to specifically ask to be called by my name, not a short version.

I now have a three letter name, think Lee you can’t really shorten it, some people try to call be my just the first letter of my name or worse the massive incorrect long version that has never been and will never been my name.

If you’re unsure just ask, no harm comes from asking someones name preference. But not asking the persons preference is rude.

Always find it really weird that people can’t “learn” to say someone’s name. No one would struggle to say “medicine” or “obstetrician” after a few true so why does anyone find it so hard to pronounce a name 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's often done passive aggressively. A former boss of mine used to refer to a colleague who was called Suzanne/Sue as Susan. He knew damn well what her name was but she'd very politely rebuffed his advances previously.

Years back I started in a new team and one colleague was listed as Patricia. When I met her I asked "do you go by Pat or Trish or something?" I got the icy reply "a pat is what a cow leaves in a field." So Patricia it was from then on!!

I'm Patricia and started a new job. One colleague, Richard, persisted in calling me Trish, which I dislike. One day, after correcting him on many occasions, I replied "If you call me "Trish", will call you "Dick"!" He never called me Trish again