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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want a holiday without mil?

88 replies

Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 09:30

My mil is a nice woman, and we get on well. Pre corona, we would visit every 3 weeks or so. She lives an hour away.

Since my eldest, who is 10, was born, she has come with us on our holiday every year. She loves this, my kids love having her, my husband enjoys treating her
Nice as she is, I long for a holiday without her. There are trivial things she does which irritate me, and she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies.
She's in her 80s, although very healthy. Every year I think I shouldn't stop her coming, in case it's her last chance, but I think she could easily live for another ten years or more, and I'll never get a holiday without her while the kids are young.
I feel like a nasty selfish person for thinking like this and holding so much resentment.
What would you do?

OP posts:
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 18/07/2020 09:36

she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies. This statement is appalling in an otherwise reasonable questions. Someone who has food allergies is not awkward.

My mil has taken to booking holidays for us all now too. She bought a big item for my son last week, without being asked, then sent the link for this holiday she has booked for us. My dh came to me when he opened the email and said omg it’s like Friday night dinner on gilmore girls. Grin

It doesn't bother me Because it isn't our only holiday. Well, this year it is Because our main one was cancelled, but not usually.

Can you have a week holiday with mil and then, at another point, a week or two with just you dh and child?

Im lucky in that i get a lot of holiday, so i also go Away just me and the children for a week as well every year except this year.

allfalldown47 · 18/07/2020 09:42

Yanbu to want a holiday without your mil but your comment about allergies is horrendous.

allfalldown47 · 18/07/2020 09:42

Yanbu to want a holiday without your mil but your comment about allergies is horrendous.

LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 09:42

Do two holidays if you can afford it?

Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 09:43

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood. I know it's not her fault, but her meals take more planning and time to cook so it impacts on our days out. And we can only do one holiday a year, unfortunately

OP posts:
belfastmillie · 18/07/2020 10:03

YANBU.

Personally I would try to do one year on, one year off with the mil and that should keep everyone happy? I have the same issue with my dh and his mother, he's convinced we have to invite her on every holiday in case it's her last... She's in her 60s Hmm

Also, people with allergies are awkward to cater for. It's not a value judgement, like saying they are a horrible person, it's just a fact that it's a pain in the butt. Have a holiday just for yourselves next year.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 18/07/2020 10:07

Eating out on a restricted diet is awkward. I find it awkward for myself. I'd love to just go in an restaurant that looks nice and eat what I fancy, but thats life and I don't blame you OP.
If this is your only holiday each year then it's not on. Maybe have a week away with MIL and at another time do a week with just you Dh and the kids. It's not unreasonable to want this.

Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 10:08

@belfastmillie that's exactly what I meant about the food situation being awkward, it's not a judgement, it just creates practical difficulties. That's an interesting idea about bringing her on alternate years, that might work

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 10:10

@FedUpAtHomeTroels thank you, that's what I meant

OP posts:
Jeremyironsnothing · 18/07/2020 10:11

Or go on a weekend break with her and a proper holiday on your own.

Or your main holiday with her, then camping without her?

user1493413286 · 18/07/2020 10:12

Not unreasonable at all, I’m quite amazed that you go with her every year

HotSauceCommittee · 18/07/2020 10:14

You need a talk with your husband.
You've had all your holidays with MIL, now it's time to have one without her. Be firm and make him realise that you love her, but you've done this for him and now it's your turn. It is not set in stone that she comes every year.

dontdisturbmenow · 18/07/2020 10:15

Did she come with you in the first place because she babysat and it suited you, but now you don't really need it any longer?

If so, you are unreasonable. If you invited her but she never looked after your son during the holiday, you are not.

JustGieMePeace · 18/07/2020 10:15

Absolutely not unreasonable. Holidays are precious. Your DH needs to have a frank conversation with his mum. Alternate years sounds good. And allergies do complicate meals, which can be harder to negotiate with kids on holiday anyway.

Shalliornot · 18/07/2020 10:15

My MIL is 68, FIL died 4 years ago and MIL moved near us, now every Christmas, birthday, easter, mother’s day, Father’s Day etc etc involves MIL and potentially every holiday too.

I love her but every holiday for maybe the next 20 years or more was too much, she’s not coming this year as I haven’t asked and seems ok.. I feel guilty as hell though!

You aren’t being unreasonable at all to want a holiday without her.

WutheringFrights · 18/07/2020 10:17

My mother in law booked holidays for us two years running In the UK - we went - it was as horrendous as I thought it would be.

Although she says she wants to spend time with the kids she never actually does anything with them and is happier just drinking copious amounts of wine whilst talking at me.

I told DH never again - and then she suggested we all went abroad together!

To this day I don’t know how he actually handled that .... but she has never suggested it or indeed any other holiday again!

Yadnbu not wanting to go on holiday with you MIL every year!

TheMaddHugger · 18/07/2020 10:22

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood It doesn't bother me Because it isn't our only holiday

But it IS the Op's Only Holiday

But it IS the Op's Only Holiday

Got it ?

((((hugs))) OP. we have the same problem Sorry I have no solution.

My Mil has food intolerances. I have food allergies. Sadly they are not the same foods 🤪

WhatKatyDidNxt · 18/07/2020 10:23

YANBU l think this is the year to break that habit. It would be too much for me. I know if my mum or MIL came on holiday then it would change the dynamic of the holiday too much. Plus involve too much compromise

BreatheAndFocus · 18/07/2020 10:38

No, YANBU. Have your main holiday with just you, DP and DC, then have a weekend break with you all and MIL.

If you can’t afford that, even just going somewhere local (ish), then have her to stay over for a few days and plan some nice activities - a meal out, a nice walk, etc etc.

girlywhirly · 18/07/2020 10:39

OP, I presume you are having a self-catering holiday in the UK? If so, I’m wondering whether MIL is expecting you to do all the meal prep/cooking? If not, and it’s just the extra time her food takes, could you both look at ways of reducing this either by pre-preparing meals to bring with you or for MIL to buy if possible ready meals suitable for her to have at least some of the time?

I don’t think that you are unreasonable to want a holiday sometimes where you don’t have to consider dietary restrictions. But on the years where MIL does come, consider the above?

Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 10:40

Thanks everyone it is nice to hear that others would not want their mils along, and I'm not the only one.
The guilt at the thoughts of leaving her out is horrendous. But then the resentment when she comes makes me feel like shit too
She has never babysat during all the holidays, to be fair, we never asked, but she likes spending time with the kids and I think it's lovely for them too.
And round and around I go....

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 18/07/2020 10:47

Why do you feel guilty for not wanting her to come on every holiday but she doesn't feel guilty for coming on all your holidays. Someone is entitled and unthinking and its not you.

dottiedodah · 18/07/2020 10:50

I think its difficult as you have set a precedent where she comes along all the time .Obviously if you say no now it will be difficult,If she gets on well with DC that can take the pressure off you for entertainment! Can you afford a week away without her? Camping or a Caravan maybe ? Will she understand if you say the children are getting older now ,and you were thinking of a watersports /adventure type trip(can just say this as little white lie dont actually have to do it!) Might soften the blow!

stanski · 18/07/2020 10:55

A bank holiday weekend somewhere with MIL and a longer holiday without her surely.

Whilst you might not be able to go abroad twice with a bit of planning a long weekend shouldn't be that expensive.

Mary46 · 18/07/2020 11:02

Unless you do a short break with her.. I dont take my mother it be set in stone yearly and she difficult. Hard break it then