Aibu to want a holiday without mil?

[Sunnyrainshowers]

My mil is a nice woman, and we get on well. Pre corona, we would visit every 3 weeks or so. She lives an hour away.

Since my eldest, who is 10, was born, she has come with us on our holiday every year. She loves this, my kids love having her, my husband enjoys treating her
Nice as she is, I long for a holiday without her. There are trivial things she does which irritate me, and she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies.
She's in her 80s, although very healthy. Every year I think I shouldn't stop her coming, in case it's her last chance, but I think she could easily live for another ten years or more, and I'll never get a holiday without her while the kids are young.
I feel like a nasty selfish person for thinking like this and holding so much resentment.
What would you do?

@Disfordarkchocolate that made me pause and think
The suggestions about a bank holiday away with mil might actually be feasible, thank you.
We usually do self catering at a beach town
And for all of you with similar situations, thanks for sharing

We only had a few holidays with my MIL present. Most have been us on our own.

The holidays we did have with her present were with us in one holiday cottage and her and BIL in another along the road a bit. It worked reasonably well for the most part because we weren't right on top of each other 24/7.

I couldn't put up with your arrangement though. I think if you can't have a second holiday without her as you say, then it has to be one year on and one year off.

Does MIL have other friends or siblings that she might occasionally go away with?

[quote TheMaddHugger]@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood It doesn't bother me Because it isn't our only holiday

But it IS the Op's Only Holiday

But it IS the Op's Only Holiday

Got it ?

((((hugs))) OP. we have the same problem Sorry I have no solution.

My Mil has food intolerances. I have food allergies. Sadly they are not the same foods 🤪[/quote]
Christ, how rude are you!

I then went on to ask if theres a way they can split the holiday time so they can also have one alone. And from op’s Latest update, it seems she is considering that option. But dont let that get in The way of your rudeness.

Yanbu but if your whole family is happy with yen arrangement I think it’s a bit selfish to stop her coming if the kids enjoy it and your husband does. Maybe stop bringing her on the big holiday and take her away to a cottage in the uk (or where ever you live) for a mini break once a year.

Mushy, I didn't read your first response that way at all.

Just ignore the idiot post. There's always one as some people just have to have something to take issue with.

Is there somewhere you could go that she wouldn't be keen on, too hot or whatever? Then would be easier to ask her for a weekend instead that year. I've no idea how you got into this cycle it's harder to get out than not to start it! My dm is sadly gone now but she was holidaying on her own happily into her 80s (with a friend, or alone if it was a coach tour). She enjoyed our stays with her but had her own life to live.

Book a white-water rafting holiday.

Have you mentioned to do your DH you don’t want her to Come ?

What has he said?

YABU about her food allergies, they can’t be helped.

You need to compromise and do one holiday with her one without. At least even a short break away just your family.

I agree

Just say the kids want an activity holiday and you want to try sky diving and white knuckle rafting - then say how disappointed you were these activities weren’t running? Whoops

How does your DH feel about it ? Have you discussed it ?

Yanbu to want a holiday without your mil but your comment about allergies is horrendous.
^this

Can you not have 2 holidays? One short one with her and another longer one without.

Or how about going camping for a change?
There can't be many 80 year olds happy to sleep on an airbed for a week!

Is your DH an only child?

@Topseyt she has other people but her preference is to holiday with us, mainly because our kids are the youngest in the extended family.
This year the holiday and finances are set, but I'm starting to think we might be able to afford a cheaper main holiday if she's not with us, and then possibly a budget weekend break. It's given me a little ray of hope

@SquirrelFan you're a genius

You married your husband not your MIL, you are entitled and deserve a break without her there.
You are not responsible for her having holidays, you are not her only chance at holidays so I think you need to start prioritising your wants and needs some times.
This is your life to live.

My dh will do as I ask, he likes his mum to come along because he is a good son. But if I say I've had enough he will understand, it was just my own guilt that was stopping me, because I know how much she gets from the breaks. But if I can manage a compromise, as suggested, he will not have a problem.

I don’t think the OP’s comment re allergies was ‘horrendous’ - typical MN exaggeration. It was maybe unfortunate wording, but surely she merely meant that it was a complication with meal planning/shopping that they wouldn’t otherwise have. And maybe stops the family eating what they’d otherwise enjoy.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER that's exactly what I meant, thank you

Would she be able to take over the holiday cooking? That could be a win-win. Just wondering.

@makingmammaries she would cook for herself, but doing enough for all seven of us is asking a bit much.
It's not just the cooking, I should say. There are other minor irritating habits that, over the course of a week, become magnified. As other pp have mentioned, her being there changes the whole dynamic. Sometimes that's in a positive way, but I have reached the stage where I just want a holiday with my husband, kids, and nobody else

Bloody hell, people are quick to judge the OP for an unfortunate wording! I have a plethora of food (& drug) allergies too. And I wouldn't be offended if people found me difficult to cater for (I have to eat almost entirely separately to my DD & DH for this reason). It's my issue to deal with.

I've also been on holiday with my MIL, when it wasn't my choice to do so. It didn't feel like holiday, but an obligation.

Personally I couldn't leave out an 80 year old who has come to believe that she is welcome and part of the family. I wouldn't hurt an 80 year old woman who has always been lovely and is a part of my kids lives. She's given your kids a huge gift by being a loving part of their lives. I'd continue to go with her but manage a long weekend without her. It's just cruel any other way. God help us all when we are of that age and thought of as an inconvenience.

@LuckyLinky if I reach that age I will make damn sure I don't go on holiday with my adult children every year for a decade.