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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to want a holiday without mil?

88 replies

Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 09:30

My mil is a nice woman, and we get on well. Pre corona, we would visit every 3 weeks or so. She lives an hour away.

Since my eldest, who is 10, was born, she has come with us on our holiday every year. She loves this, my kids love having her, my husband enjoys treating her
Nice as she is, I long for a holiday without her. There are trivial things she does which irritate me, and she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies.
She's in her 80s, although very healthy. Every year I think I shouldn't stop her coming, in case it's her last chance, but I think she could easily live for another ten years or more, and I'll never get a holiday without her while the kids are young.
I feel like a nasty selfish person for thinking like this and holding so much resentment.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 12:50

@SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness I live your user name. And yes, our holidays have felt like an obligation for quite some time now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 12:51

Love, not live, obviously

OP posts:
Jayaywhynot · 18/07/2020 12:53

There's no way to say you want to go on holiday without her without hurting her feelings, doesn't matter what plan you come up with she's going to be hurt.
She will probably try to put a brave face on in front of you but when she's alone she's going to be so hurt.
You let this holiday situation become the norm and now your going to tell her you want to holiday only with your DH & DC, it will be clear to her that you dont want her with you, she probably thinks she's no trouble on holiday, that she's part of the family, that she's wanted and welcome & you are about to shatter that.
Yet she is wanted, by your DH & your DC, call a spade a spade, it's just you that doesn't want her, stand up and be honest that you dont want her as part of your holiday.
I'm so glad you're not my DIL, btw my mother is in her 80's and shes welcome on our holidays as are my inlaws

rookiemere · 18/07/2020 12:54

Oh wow so you're paying for the extra bedroom as well.

I don't know if this is your thing, but if a caravan holiday would fit the bill for either break then the Sun or Mail coupon breaks seems to be extremely good value for money.

But actually with the update that you pay for the extra room, I do think it's time for other family members to step up and include her in their break for once.

MotherMorph · 18/07/2020 12:55

my DH invited my inlaws on holiday without asking me last year. It totally changed the dynamic of the holiday and there are few things that tweens/teens/parents and GPs all enjoy. Even when we went to the beach the GPS only wanted to stay about half an hour.
And MIL is v controlling about nearly everything...BUT my parents have both passed away and DH suddenly seems more aware of his own parents mortality and wants to invite them again.
weve had a really tough year, even before covid and I know that it won't be a relaxing holiday with the IL, but I can see that he wants to spend time with them. Its a toughie.

SisyphusAndTheRockOfUntidiness · 18/07/2020 13:04

The thing is, from her POV, it's only one week a year. From your DH's POV, it's a kind thing to do for his beloved mother. From your POV, it's yet another person to cater for. Unless your DH does all the extra work? Which I'm guessing he doesn't? So it doesn't even register to him. Whereas you don't get a say in the matter.

And in any case, it means you never get to go away with just your family.

BumblePan · 18/07/2020 13:08

OP, you have been fantastic sharing your holidays for years. Don't feel guilty about wanting time with your own family unit. Talk to your Dh about a short break with MIL and plan another break for your family. If your holiday includes some outdoor activities, perhaps your MIL wont feel hurt as you are going on a slightly different type of holiday rather than leaving her out.

BumblePan · 18/07/2020 13:14

Ps As much as i love my MIL, I would struggle to share my annual holiday. Holidays are costly and annual leave is limited ( after taking time off for appointments etc) and Its another adult who has their own preferences, so there's extra consideration required when planning meals and outtings.

forrestgreen · 18/07/2020 13:22

The rest of the family need to take a turn.
Can you think of somewhere/something to do that you'd all love and she wouldn't. Might give you the excuse.
But every other year is still very generous.

Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 13:24

Thanks, some interesting opinions to consider. I do not want to hurt mils feelings. I do not want her on our holiday. Catch 22.
Obviously I will choose a course of action that doesn't devastate her or cause bad feeling. Thanks for all the suggestions and kind words, that's really helpful

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 18/07/2020 13:24

Dear MIL, we've realised we've been monopolising your holidays, we're going to go white water rafting this year which isn't going to be your thing. We wanted to let you know early so your other children have a chance to include you in their plans/be better children! I know you'll have a fab time and if you still want us we can holiday together every other year.

ChizzleMeNizzle · 18/07/2020 13:29

@allfalldown47

Yanbu to want a holiday without your mil but your comment about allergies is horrendous.
Why was the allergy comment "horrendous", bit over the top isn't it?
Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 13:39

@forrestgreenGrinGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunnyrainshowers · 18/07/2020 13:42

I am a little surprised at the responses to the comment about her allergies. Who knew it was such a sensitive subject.
Apologies for any offense

OP posts:
MessAllOver · 18/07/2020 13:46

In your shoes, I don't think I could bring myself to 'uninvite' her. I just wouldn't want to hurt her feelings when she probably looks forward to it a lot and it doesn't sound if she is difficult to have around (except the meal thing, which isn't her fault).

What I would do is slowly 'downgrade' the holiday that MIL comes on. Do sometime much cheaper and closer to home for a few days at the time you would usually go away with MIL. Tell her you're hard up or saving for something. Once you've done this one year and established that this is the new 'family holiday' normal, I would book a week away at a different time for just you, DH and the kids. Maybe a more 'adventure' type holiday with camping/activities. Tell her that this is what the kids are into now they're older and want to do more than just potter. Depending on your MIL, she might be quite pleased to be left out of that one!

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2020 13:50

With the kids getting older I would 100% book a hiking holiday and say we’d been holding out for it till they could come along so naturally mil couldn’t come along. We’d love that holiday so it wouldn’t sound odd!

MessAllOver · 18/07/2020 13:51

she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies.

I think what you really mean is that cooking for her is a bit awkward since she has allergies. Does DH do his fair share of cooking or are you lumbered with it all? I would struggle, too, depending on the allergy. For example, peanut butter and cheese are DS staples here so I would struggle to deal with nut/dairy allergies - doesn't mean I would blame the sufferer or I wouldn't try (especially given the potentially serious consequences), but it would make my life more difficult and it would be less of a holiday for me, especially if I was the one stuck with all the cooking/meal prep.

MaybeDoctor · 18/07/2020 13:56

My MIL is a lovely woman and we often include her in family holidays...but I completely hear what you are saying too!

Sometimes she has come for the full holiday, but compromises that have also worked well for us include MIL flying out for a shorter period of time or driving down to where we are staying in the UK part-way through the week. She is a bit younger, so that might not work in your case, but perhaps you could go earlier with the children then DH could bring MIL down a few days into the break?

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/07/2020 13:57

My son is lactose intolerant, I know it would be a pain for another family to cater him. For us, most of it is automatic now, for others it would be massively inconvenient because what they usually eat wouldn't be possible. I don't think you were rude at all. Holidays are for less stress at mealtimes not more.

Trumpetpants · 18/07/2020 13:58

Oh dear, this is hard. I had the same with my in laws and it nearly drove me mad. As their mobility decreased we ended up taking wheelchair, walkers, raised toilet seats and it really dictated what we could or couldn't do. It might sound selfish but it meant that our holiday was shaped by caring for them and doing what they wanted. Which would have been okay as a second holiday but as our only holiday was tough. I worked full time and needed a break but actually got no time to relax.
Looking back I wish I had said no I need a break but it is what it is.
I really hope you can have a family holiday without extended members and bear in mind I said yes to one holiday over 10 years ago and am yet to have a relaxing break...

Disfordarkchocolate · 18/07/2020 13:58

PS You really should have spoke up after the first holiday and not have gotten into a routine.

Gogogadgetarms · 18/07/2020 14:01

she's a bit awkward when it comes to meals as she has allergies
Have to admit this is also where you lost me (acknowledge you’ve apologised).

You’re not unreasonable to want a holiday without her but I feel you’ve let this go on for far to long and it’ll be v difficult to stop now. You say your children enjoy having her there, how will they feel about her being excluded going forward?

Writerandreader · 18/07/2020 14:06

Truly I think the answer here is to try and wiggle the budget around so you gwr a separate break with just your family.

You say she has never babysat. I don't understand that situsiton tbh. Surely you just say hey me and Dh are going out for the evening.. You could even wait til kids are im bed. You don't just all sit in every evening on holiday when there is no need do you.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 18/07/2020 14:07

I find it rather selfish of her to think its ok to keep coming along and not suggesting you go on your own. Your DC only holiday every year includes his gran. Sounds like that will continue until she passes. All great of you all love it. I went on holiday with the inlaws alot when my kids were younger and they were good with my kids but it wasnt a break, it was stressful and my main two week holiday every year meant i spent it agitated. Its small things that build up and its not fun. Put a stop to it and its been lovely ever since. There is nothing wrong with saying your going without her this year...

IwishIhadaMargarita · 18/07/2020 14:07

You are a saint I’d be in prison if I took mil away. She’s annoying and manipulative and our holidays are a break from her too.