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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's siblings causing drama re OUR wedding

108 replies

chocotale · 18/07/2020 07:55

Me and DP announced last week that we are getting married in just over 4 weeks time. Our original plan was to get married in April but due to Covid-19 we couldn't so we chose a date in August. Neither one of us ever wanted a big wedding with guests and we ALWAYS wanted a small registry office wedding, no guests, no reception, just witnesses. This hasn't changed. We're both introverts and don't like socialising nor like being the center of attention. Yes, we will still wear a dress and a suit for our wedding and our photoshoot so we have some memories and something to show our kids/grandkids. Here is where it gets tricky, we asked both our moms to be witnesses who both said yes therefore both our moms will be there. His brothers and sisters are not happy. They now fell out with us because they keep saying how 'disrespectful' it is to not invite them to our wedding and for choosing not to have a reception or anything that they can come to. Even if we were to have guest or a reception after the wedding, they probably wouldn't come which is what annoyed me...DP doesn't really get on with them very well. We didn't even get a congratulations from them, nothing...just pure drama.

AIBU to be annoyed that they're being like this and causing drama about something that quite frankly has nothing to do with them? I just want to get married and prepare for my big day.

YES - You're right to be annoyed, ignore them and do what YOU like
NO - You should apologise to them and organise a reception or a get together after the wedding

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 18/07/2020 15:21

What a fuss about not being invited to a wedding. Have the wedding you want. It's not a public spectacle for other people. We had a small wedding - us, our 3 parents (Mum in law was a widow - no other children) my brother and his wife and 6 of our close friends. And a meal afterwards in a restaurant. That was in 1975. No regrets whatsoever. Congratulations and enjoy the day.

bluebadgehelp101 · 18/07/2020 15:33

I haven't RTFT but from the OP can understand why a sibling would be disappointed at not being invited to a wedding. It's your wedding your ru led obviously, but to not be able to understand their viewpoint is a bit unreasonable I think.

Crankley · 18/07/2020 15:53

My0My
I think you need to work at your phobia of social events. It’s very limiting and of course it’s now upset people so it’s never going to be easy.

They need to do no such thing. As for upsetting people - tough.

Congratulations OP, you do exactly as you and DP please. Ignore everyone else. Don't change for anybody.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 18/07/2020 15:57

It’s got nothing to do with them. And anyone who falls out with you over this is not worth your time or energy.

You already said that your dp is not close to his siblings so stuff em

Parmavioletmum · 18/07/2020 16:04

God no! Your idea sounds heaven. To be honest me and dp are doing similar. We were planning to have a very small registry office wedding anyway, but with covid going on we couldn't decide who we would choose as witnesses (limit of only 5 people atm here!) without upsetting anyone so we've instead decided his boss and her other half are going to be our 2 witnesses and were just going to go and do it. That way noone is upset that others were there and they weren't.

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 18/07/2020 16:14

We wanted to do this, but got bullied into having a bigger deal just for other people AND footing the bloody bill! I regret it, but at the time so many people said ‘weddings are for the families’. Stand firm, have the wedding you want.

My0My · 18/07/2020 16:16

I’m not sure I would wish to go through life knowing I’m upsetting people by excluding them. I suppose it’s what makes people different! I think it’s all about making compromises and showing people you love them by building bridges. This would have been the opportunity. But I accept I’m different to others regarding family.

SonjaHeniesTutu · 18/07/2020 16:16

People who truly care for you will always be happy for you when you are choosing something that makes you happy.

People who put themselves first and who aren't that concerned about whether or not you are happy will always complain or be 'hurt' if you don't do exactly what they want.

My eldest's plans are fairly similar to yours OP. Of course I'd love to see them married, however more than anything else I want them to be happy, so I am very excited that they are going to get the wedding they want.

Your wedding, your choice OP. Enjoy your day! Congratulations!Flowers

WendyHoused · 18/07/2020 16:18

Councils are limiting how many people are able to attend a civil wedding - something like 10-15 people including the two officials and the brides/grooms. Tell them you arte respecting the spirit of the lockdown and having one representative from each family.

Or bugger them and ignore them. It's not up to them who comes.

OlaEliza · 18/07/2020 16:20

They now fell out with us because they keep saying how 'disrespectful' it is to not invite them to our wedding and for choosing not to have a reception or anything that they can come to. Even if we were to have guest or a reception after the wedding, they probably wouldn't come which is what annoyed me.

Tell them you are having a gathering/meal in a pub/restaurant and everyone is to pay for themselves. See if they still want to come then.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 18/07/2020 16:20

Would they be pissed off at not being witness to the signing of a loan, or mortgage application?

It's exactly the same sort of thing because you're choosing not to do the big ceremony and party.

It's a legal document that will only really effect you two and needs witnessing.

Congratulations op, well done for sticking to your plans Flowers

katy1213 · 18/07/2020 16:25

Ignore them. Have a lovely day with your mums and maybe a nice lunch together to mark the occasion. That's the kind of wedding I'd like too. Why spend thousands on a big wedding that you'd hate!

Shmithecat2 · 18/07/2020 16:28

It's your wedding, and it sounds perfect. Ignore them.

HBBDC · 18/07/2020 16:51

You're entitled to do whatever you want for your wedding. But other people, especially immediate family, are just as entitled to have feelings about your choices where those choices directly impact them.

I think excluding siblings from a wedding that involves other family members (mothers) is a horrible, hurtful thing to do and I would be devastated in their position. Inviting your DF's closest family would have been nowhere near the 'big wedding' you were trying to avoid.

What would particularly upset me is the way you've divided his immediate family and invited his mother but not his siblings. If you were having no family at all that would be entirely different, but creating a hierarchy where his mother is more important than his siblings is mean.

YANBU in that you're absolutely entitled to do what you want with your day.
YABU to be surprised that his siblings have feelings about it, and to blame them for reacting to your choices.

iklboo · 18/07/2020 16:54

When they pay they get a say. That's what we told FIL. Shut him up.

Aria2015 · 18/07/2020 17:02

Just do it. My dh and I just married the two of us and there was a few hurt feelings from our families but ultimately they got over it and most importantly we had a great day. I have no regrets. Your day to do as you please imo!

AuntieMarys · 18/07/2020 17:06

We got married, just the 2 of us. Random witness off the street. No one else there, no adult children...nobody.
It was great.

Goingdownto · 18/07/2020 17:06

HBBDC I agree with a lot of what you say but this -
creating a hierarchy where his mother is more important than his siblings is mean
I don't understand - of course a mum is more important than a sibling!

AcrobaticCardigan · 18/07/2020 17:09

My sis did this and it was very upsetting for me and I know my mum was very sad that I wasn’t included.

I accepted it, but it felt like a massive kick in the teeth to be cut out of such a special day.
We are very close. He is not so close to his family however & didn’t want his siblings there which is why I wasn’t invited so everyone was equal.

We are still on good terms, as it was either that or fall out over it, but I found it hard to be happy for them.

ChicCroissant · 18/07/2020 17:27

Do you not have any siblings yourself, OP?

There is a middle ground of sticking to what you've arranged but recognising that they would want to see their brother get married and they are disappointed that they won't. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to change anything. It is a big occasion in life (way more than signing for a loan as somone upthread suggested!) and people like to celebrate with you. I wouldn't call their disappointment drama.

RasberryRoyale · 18/07/2020 17:32

Yanbu.

I really wish we had done this when we got married. The OP says brothers and sisters which suggests that could very quickly turn into a big wedding. Especially if the siblings have partners and children.

There is a world of difference between inviting Mom’s and inviting siblings. OP has said her DP doesn’t get on with his siblings. I don’t get on with my sibling and I didn’t want to invite them to my wedding but I did it to to keep the peace. Given my time again I wouldn’t invite them.

Jaxhog · 18/07/2020 17:41

A thousand times YES!

It's your wedding so you should do what you want.

HBBDC · 18/07/2020 17:48

@Goingdownto

HBBDC I agree with a lot of what you say but this - creating a hierarchy where his mother is more important than his siblings is mean I don't understand - of course a mum is more important than a sibling!
In what way?! I find that quite baffling, but maybe it's the sort of thing we can only know in relation to our own family relationships?

Do you mean a mother is more important than a sibling at a wedding, or in general?!

steppemum · 18/07/2020 17:57

I had a friend who did this.

Just the two of them and their parents.

She had 4 siblings, all married, with some kids, and he had 2 or 3 siblings too.

So, if they have invited siblings it would have gone from small, 6 people wedding to 20+ which was not what they wanted.

iklboo · 18/07/2020 18:01

Of course a mother is more important - if you have a good relationship. She carried you, brought you up, clothed & fed you, sat with you when you were ill, worried about you, taught you things, was and is proud of you.

Siblings are more likely to shove you down the stairs when your parents aren't looking, pull your hair and tell tales to get you into trouble. Grin

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