DP's siblings causing drama re OUR wedding

[chocotale]

Me and DP announced last week that we are getting married in just over 4 weeks time. Our original plan was to get married in April but due to Covid-19 we couldn't so we chose a date in August. Neither one of us ever wanted a big wedding with guests and we ALWAYS wanted a small registry office wedding, no guests, no reception, just witnesses. This hasn't changed. We're both introverts and don't like socialising nor like being the center of attention. Yes, we will still wear a dress and a suit for our wedding and our photoshoot so we have some memories and something to show our kids/grandkids. Here is where it gets tricky, we asked both our moms to be witnesses who both said yes therefore both our moms will be there. His brothers and sisters are not happy. They now fell out with us because they keep saying how 'disrespectful' it is to not invite them to our wedding and for choosing not to have a reception or anything that they can come to. Even if we were to have guest or a reception after the wedding, they probably wouldn't come which is what annoyed me...DP doesn't really get on with them very well. We didn't even get a congratulations from them, nothing...just pure drama.

AIBU to be annoyed that they're being like this and causing drama about something that quite frankly has nothing to do with them? I just want to get married and prepare for my big day.

YES - You're right to be annoyed, ignore them and do what YOU like
NO - You should apologise to them and organise a reception or a get together after the wedding

I think you need to work at your phobia of social events. It’s very limiting and of course it’s now upset people so it’s never going to be easy.

However it is your wedding so do what you want. Personally a few siblings you have known all your life doesn’t sound like the social event of the century to me. I would have tried to arrange a celebratory dinner in the future.

Honestly- is he gutted to miss a siblings Or niece/nephews wedding. But I’m very close to them all. I think it depends on how close the relationship is tbh.

YABU about one thing only. And that’s about giving them any headspace. Just ignore and don’t even entertain the thought of getting upset about it. They obviously like drama. You really don’t have to explain anything to anybody about your own wedding day. It’s your day. Congratulations x.

I’d be gutted to miss not what autocorrect has put up there

Sounds perfect! Congratulations and enjoy your day

I'd be gutted to miss my siblings' weddings, but then we are close which makes a difference. Equally because we get on well, I'd respect their choice to have a registry office with witnesses only.

Your DP's siblings are creating drama for the sake of it given they don't really get on and couldn't bring themselves to congratulate you.

Why did you even tell them about your wedding if they were not invited? That’s the root of the problem. Just keep it quiet if you don’t want comments. Swear everyone to secrecy!

I did this for my second wedding, and to avoid a drama and all the 'it's not fair!!!!' we had no family there at all. Two friends were our witnesses, but we had a big party in the evening for everyone we WOULD have invited, had we had a bigger wedding.

Asking both mothers to be witnesses was a friendly and diplomatic touch. Your other ILs sound like a nightmare. But anyone they complain to can point out that you didn’t favour your own family or friends, just kept it a very small event. Make sure the mums are in your photos.

Also sensible to reduce risk of spreading Covid.
Congratulations and enjoy your day.

Obviously your choice but I would feel sad to not see a loved sibling get married too. Surely inviting siblings doesn’t turn it into a massive intimidating event?

I am seen as very sociable. I did the same as you.

His mum. My best friend. A photographer friend ( so extra bonus guest there) Children outside in waiting room ready to have us introduced as Mr and Mrs.

We did it this way due to cost. It was an extra couple of hundred to have more than statutory ceremony and we married with 5 weeks notice. Ideally I’d have liked a couple of others there but they would have been people who loved and cherished is like we do them NOT toxic overbearing drama causing people.

Do what you want to do. Disengage from the drama.

We had a big party a couple of days later. Friends rallied around for that to help us do it. Obviously off the agenda for you even if you wanted one cos of Covid19.

Enjoy your special day x

Siblings expressing views/feelings about not being invited to a sibling’s wedding isn’t necessarily “creating drama”. Much depends on how they’ve expressed their views and feelings, and to whom. If for example they’d mentioned feeling disappointed, once or twice, and suggested a get together at some point to celebrate to OP’s DP that wouldn’t constitute “drama” IMO, it’d be honest and open.

If, however, they’ve gone on about it to DP, OP and other family members, that’s U.

Do what you want.

We got married 20 years ago, we kept the wedding to immediate family so parents and our siblings, then invited some of our closest friends. No uncles, no aunts we hadn't seen for years. Was still 30 guests and that felt overwhelming.

Do it your way, this is about you and your intended Dh, not about what someone else thinks your wedding should be. Enjoy your day.

YANBU. Ignore them and have the wedding you want. Their antics are pathetic, it’s not like you are having a big wedding and excluding them.

Totally ignore, it is your special day! Not theirs!

I get your reasons OP but I'd be really hurt if my brother got married and invited my parents but not me. I'd feel totally excluded from the family, as if I wasn't considered part of it at all. I would want to be happy for him that he'd found his partner in life, but I don't think our relationship would recover. If I were to marry, my immediate family (parents, brother, I have no other siblings) would be the first people I'd invite.

I wouldn't be complaining though - by the time the invitations are drawn up and you're excluded, the damage is done. Your wedding, your rules and family dynamics vary hugely, but I would be very upset.

You couldn’t have a big wedding if you wanted to. Hasn’t Covid done you a massive favour? I’d feel inclined to promise them a huge party in the future to shut them up and then just forget to organise anything. They won’t even remember by the time it’s possible to have big gatherings again.

Both my siblings eloped and got married just them and their partners. It is what it is, I had literally no control or right to an opinion on it so I was happy for them both. I had the big wedding so kept our mum happy!

I get your reasons OP but I'd be really hurt if my brother got married and invited my parents but not me. I'd feel totally excluded from the family, as if I wasn't considered part of it at all. I would want to be happy for him that he'd found his partner in life, but I don't think our relationship would recover.

goodness

It's your choice, but I think you are being unreasonable to say "they probably wouldn't come anyway" - are you maybe projecting your own social anxiety on to them?

I'm not close to my brother, but there's no way I'd have missed his wedding and it was lovely.

Congratulations! Dp can send a family text/whatsapp: ‘hey all sorry to hear some are upset. We invited everyone who congratulated us on getting engaged, assumed that’s everyone who cares. Will know better for next time!’

If there is one sibling or a dad who congratulated you , you can call them and be super nice and apologetic and didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but I’m pissed off at the others and would you mind if I messaged this.

I have to admit that I'd be a little bit sad if one of my siblings got married without me there, but I would keep it to myself, because I'd want them to have the wedding they wanted.

I think your plan sounds absolutely wonderful. If his siblings were to be there on the day, they could create drama then! Stick to your guns (and remind yourself why you’re doing it that way) and have the best day- just how you wanted it! Good luck!

I'm not an introvert but my civil partnership was just me, my partner and two witnesses. Some family were a bit put out but ultimately it's not about them, it's about what we wanted. It was perfect. This is about you and your partner, don't be forced into doing anything you don't want.

Congratulations! Dp can send a family text/whatsapp: ‘hey all sorry to hear some are upset. We invited everyone who congratulated us on getting engaged, assumed that’s everyone who cares. Will know better for next time!’

That would be one way to throw a passive aggressive bomb into the mix. Also a great way to stir up drama.