DP's siblings causing drama re OUR wedding

[chocotale]

Me and DP announced last week that we are getting married in just over 4 weeks time. Our original plan was to get married in April but due to Covid-19 we couldn't so we chose a date in August. Neither one of us ever wanted a big wedding with guests and we ALWAYS wanted a small registry office wedding, no guests, no reception, just witnesses. This hasn't changed. We're both introverts and don't like socialising nor like being the center of attention. Yes, we will still wear a dress and a suit for our wedding and our photoshoot so we have some memories and something to show our kids/grandkids. Here is where it gets tricky, we asked both our moms to be witnesses who both said yes therefore both our moms will be there. His brothers and sisters are not happy. They now fell out with us because they keep saying how 'disrespectful' it is to not invite them to our wedding and for choosing not to have a reception or anything that they can come to. Even if we were to have guest or a reception after the wedding, they probably wouldn't come which is what annoyed me...DP doesn't really get on with them very well. We didn't even get a congratulations from them, nothing...just pure drama.

AIBU to be annoyed that they're being like this and causing drama about something that quite frankly has nothing to do with them? I just want to get married and prepare for my big day.

YES - You're right to be annoyed, ignore them and do what YOU like
NO - You should apologise to them and organise a reception or a get together after the wedding

I'd be hurt if this was my brother. Of course you are entitled to have the wedding you want but you must accept that by excluding siblings they will have feelings about it. This doesn't really set up a nice welcome to each other's families and has probably caused irreversible damage going forward.

I can understand the need for a small wedding but most people I know who have done this have always included siblings. Unless there are 8 on each side I can't see how having them there would have impacted too much, and if it wasn't allowed because of Covid restrictions then having a conversation about it with them first would have avoided any drama.

I don't think they are the ones being dramatic here, they appear to have a normal relationship with siblings and want to be there for their key life events. You have prevented that, so when they reject you and don't make you feel welcome in the family in years to come you really won't have a leg to stand on. The problem I anticipate here is that your DH will always be part of the fold, you never have been. It will be far easier for him to feel fine about it once they've cleared the air but things are never quite as straight forward when you're the in law.

I just don't understand the thinking behind it.

That would be one way to throw a passive aggressive bomb into the mix. Also a great way to stir up drama.
Or, a great way to point out you are a bloody rude lot who made out you don’t give a shit so shouldn’t be surprised.

Have you any siblings not invited OP, or is it just your partner who has them? Tbh I would be very upset if my sister got married with just the mums there. I think that if you had just eloped it would have been ok, but now you have told all that they are not invited so they are understandably hurt. How many more would there be?

Fletchings we're a close family. Well, actually, I don't think we're that close, but by MN standards of people being NC or just totally unbothered, we're close. Thus if my brother chose to exclude me from one of the biggest events in his life, but invited our parents, it would send a pretty clear message to me. If he just eloped without any of us and had his best friend as a witness I'd just wish him luck. There's something to me rather different about inviting some of the nuclear family, but leaving one of them out. Presumably the dynamic is different in larger families with more siblings.

I really can’t imagine ever getting wound up about how someone else (even a close family member) chooses to get married. People are so odd.

@Fletchings

"your wedding, your call" - so long as you mean 'your' plural. It is her DP's wedding too.

There is not much about the DP in the post although we are told he does not really get on with his siblings. Sadly this wedding has probably made that difficult relationship even worse. So long at that is what the bridegroom chooses, then excluding his siblings is fine.

It's your wedding, so you should do whatever you and your dp want, i guess its a bit unusual and people will be hurt and surprised,

Hmm - I'm on the fence with this one - and I say this as someone who eloped.

We also made the decision to just get married with witnesses so invited the next-door neighbours the night before. We debated about inviting 1 or 2 siblings that we were closest to (there were lots to choose from) but decided that in the interest of fairness we should either invite them all or invite no family whatsoever. Clearly your family feel the same and feel snubbed that you've invited some immediate family but not others.

Having said that, it's your choice to invite whoever you want, but be aware that being selective about it will upset some of them.

Eh sod them. Tell them if they are really bothered about no reception, they can plan one, pay for it and let you know when/where it is so you can come and celebrate. Guaranteed they won't, and if they are stupid enough to do it, you get a free party.

I think you can top trump the wedding mad relatives and cite "socially responsible wedding protocol during a pandemic" now after Beatrice and Edo. And if I recall I don't think Charles and Camilla had a shed load of guests at their register office do, mind you , they did have all the usual suspects at the blessing afterwards..........

Have a lovely day, hope you and the mums enjoy yourselves.

The diplomatic option would be to ignore them.

The nuclear option would be to message them and tell them to stop being so dramatic, bearing in mind that they wouldn't come even if you'd invited them - which is exactly why you haven't bothered.

Sounds like the perfect wedding to me. Tell them it's your day and none of their business. Have a great day!

To be honest I would call them out on their behaviour. They say you are being disrespectful, well it would appear they are as well by not accepting your choice of wedding and banging on about it

Then ifnore

You are having the wedding we wanted, but my mother insisted all the aunts/uncles/cousins/her friends came. So they came because I'm not strong enough to argue, and all they did was complain. 15 years later, I wish we could have a re-run!

If it was down to me, it would have been our parents and a friend each.

It’s a civil ceremony. It’s exactly what happens bride groom ( or bride bride, groom groom) and 2 witnesses. That is the law in England. Nobody else can attend a statutory civil ceremony. Anything else is just add ons.
Why not do it this way?
I agree with the above poster, if the siblings are that bothered then they can throw a party for the op and her husband.

I’m on the fence on this. Beatrice and Edo actually managed to look quite classy with their small private wedding. I hope that changes people’s thinking about how weddings should be organized. But I do think it’s rather extreme to exclude siblings from the ceremony if they want to be there.

I don’t like fuss so I insisted that I did not want guests as such. We went abroad and it was fabulous.

Have the wedding you and your DP want, OP.

And for siblings like the posters who have said it would forever change their relationships with their siblings if they weren't invited to a statutory civil ceremony are too self absorbed to worry about, frankly. They should be happy for you, not sulking that you didn't do it their way.

It's your day, not theirs, OP, so do it your way.

When I look at the stress people get into over big weddings, it really doesn't seem worth it.

I said on here the other day that now is the perfect time to organise a wedding because there’s so much money you don’t have to spend or people you wouldn’t have to invite.

I really don’t get why people get so upset about other people’s weddings. Yes if one sibling was being excluded that could be understandable, but none are being invited and the mothers only are going as witnesses.

If I ever get married again I’ll just pop down to the registry office in my lunch break and get it done. My parents would be Uber supportive of that given weddings are actually such a colossal waste of money, and I don’t have anything to do with DP’s family so there should be no expectations on that side anyway.

YES / YANBU. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

YANBU. I married DH with just 4 guests - my parents, his mum and his brother. We then went for a meal afterwards. It was brilliant It was more important to us to be married, than to have a wedding.

Good for you. It's your day, have a lovely one.

And for siblings like the posters who have said it would forever change their relationships with their siblings if they weren't invited to a statutory civil ceremony are too self absorbed to worry about, frankly. They should be happy for you, not sulking that you didn't do it their way.

OK. I realise nuance is often lost on the internet, but lets just try this one more time. What I actually said is that if my brother were to invite our parents to his wedding, but not me, I would feel left out. Mainly because I would be left out. I said I would be happy that he had found someone to marry, but that I would feel left out. Would I sulk? No, not sure where that's come from. But it would make me reconsider my relationship with my brother and to think that whilst I was under the impression we were close, it would appear that actually we aren't. I also made it clear (well not that clear to some, presumably) that there is a difference between inviting some of your nuclear family but not others, and just leaving all of them out.

The OP, and anyone else getting married, can invite whoever they want, and leave out whoever they want. That's their prerogative. But it does send out a message about who you view as important in your life and who you want to share important life events with.

No one is ‘entitled’ to be invited to a wedding. I haven’t invited my brother to my wedding next year because I’m not close to him and to be honest I don’t particularly get on with him! Likewise with uncles, aunts etc who I hardly see won’t be coming either.

It is your day OP and you have the right to invite whoever you want. If people take offence or try to make it all about them then that’s their problem, not yours. And if they are the sort of people who like creating drama then you’re better off not inviting them anyway.