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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you call 22 years old

284 replies

Vivana · 18/07/2020 06:09

Very young to have a baby. Was talking to a friend who said I was to young back then to have a baby at 22 years old. Now early 40s and did not have any more children.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 18/07/2020 12:20

Big difference between "young" (comparatively speaking) and "too young" (judging).

Oysterbabe · 18/07/2020 12:21

I think that's young to have a baby and is well below the average age.

notacooldad · 18/07/2020 12:25

Nobody I know who had children in their early twenties got to enjoy being 'child free' again in their 40s like they planned/hoped for.
*Why not?
What happened?

A mix of things, children with disabilities, adult children still living at home due to struggling to find work, wanting to provide financial support to their own children due to cost of housing etc.
Ah that makes sense.
I had my at 30 so mine were independent by the time I was 49 but while one still lives at home it's not a big deal. He goes to work and does his thing while the other has his own place. I've never had to give them any money for housing costs and they both have good jobs.
Same with a lot if my friends.
In fact it's nice to socialise and travel with your kids as adults!!

JamesArthursEyelashes · 18/07/2020 12:48

Not everyone wants to explore though.

Exactly. After a horrible childhood, what I craved was a happy, settled life with no arguing. I enjoyed my holidays and did my fair share of socialising until I had a child at 23 but I never wanted to travel the world. Everyone is different.

MondeoFan · 18/07/2020 12:55

I think under 24 is quite young really. But then things don't always go to plan.
I think late 20's is a good age to start a family.

JacobReesMogadishu · 18/07/2020 13:13

Having disabled children is thankfully quite rare so not an issue for most. Having adult dc at home is no obstacle for having your life back/freedom. Dd still lives at home, she's not financially independent really. So I buy her food and don't charge rent. But that does not stop me doing anything. Will I help her buy her first house...? Well we've already put the money aside for that. We've saved for her since she was a baby and she's got 30k in her account now. But again it's not stopping me doing anything. So I don't think the thing about getting your life back is a fallacy. Most of my friends with the same aged kids are in the same position as me.

whereorwhere · 18/07/2020 13:50

It's way too young imo I hope my girls don't have kids until late 20s at least. Life in your twenties is different to any other decade - you can enjoy stuff you will never be able to do when you are older. Additionally people change a lot in their twenties and I think relationships are more likely to break up. With regards to having more freedom - nowadays you will get pinned down to grandchildren and so the cycle starts again. Over 30 is the optimum definitely

golddustwomen · 18/07/2020 13:57

Had my first at 21, unplanned. In my opinion I was very young and although I don't regret either of my children, I do wish I'd have waited.

nettytree · 18/07/2020 14:08

I had my first when I was 35. A cousin the same age became a grandmother the same year. Who cares about age. She wanted to be a mum at a young age. I didn't.

HookShot · 18/07/2020 14:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/07/2020 14:08

When DD had hers, a lot of the other Mums she met through baby groups were older. They seemed to struggle more than her with the changes to their lives that becoming a parent entailed having had years of being able to do whatever they wanted, going in exotic holidays, being successful at work etc. Being younger (24), DD was less set in her ways and more flexible.

NameChange84 · 18/07/2020 14:23

I had my first when I was 35. A cousin the same age became a grandmother the same year.

Now see imo that is too young to be a grandmother and too young for either your cousin or their child to become parents.

That the equivalent of DN being my child and having their first baby now. When I held DN in my arms at 17, as much as I adored babies and wanted one of my own I knew I wanted to give my children the absolute best. My sibling was mid 30s when eldest DN was born, in a stable marriage, huge house with ready made bedrooms for their growing family and a big garden for them to play in, money for them to have lovely holidays and hobbies and to give them the best start in life with no money worries, no childcare or career worries. They’d travelled in their 20s and 30s, dated around to find the right person and not just the first person who came along, they’d done a lot of work on self improvement. I found it inspirational and knew I wanted to ensure I had everything in place before I started a family. My siblings were born when our mother was 19/20/22 and all felt she was too young and that I (born when she was 38) had a much better childhood then they did.

For me and DN to be a Grandmother and New Mother, both of us would have had to;

a) drop out of education and miss out on professional careers, university etc.

b) be single parents as my “first love” didn’t want to be a 17 year old father and DN has just been dumped at 18 despite them being engaged.

c) live with parents or in a council scheme with other teenage mums

d) live on benefits as neither of our parents could have or would have provided childcare to allow us to work

So yes, that particular scenario is definitely too young to be in the best interests of a child. I wouldn’t have terminated a pregnancy (I made the decision to wait for sex until I was ready to be a parent anyway) but I wouldn’t actively have chosen to become a parent prior to 25 at the very youngest.

Wilburgh · 18/07/2020 14:27

I had my first at 22.

I owned my own home, own business, was married. I had a comfortable life.

I’m 40 now, pregnant again and on the bones of my arse. I wish I was in the position I was in at 22!

Wilburgh · 18/07/2020 14:36

And for what it’s worth I spent the rest of my 20s travelling and seeing the world with my Ds. So it wasn’t life over for me after having a child young.

DappledThings · 18/07/2020 14:43

Yes.

billybullshitterz1n · 18/07/2020 14:52

Had DS at 19. Now in early 40's and have a great life doing all the things I never did in my 20's

funinthesun19 · 18/07/2020 15:11

Well clearly she’s wrong and you weren’t “too young to have a baby”. She’s just seen you bring a child up for x amount of years so what is she on about?

That comment is very rude because it’s like she’s saying everything you did for your child wasn’t good enough because you were too young.

22 is just a number. A 22 year old is a young person but it doesn’t make them incapable parent material.

ImaWomAnnotaWomEn · 18/07/2020 15:11

Yes Wilburgh, I took my babies with me travelling and when the opportunity came for a job promotion in a foreign county we moved there for a few years. I feel we're all the richer for it, it was an invaluable experience for my DC, they talk about it fondly and are still in touch with the friends they made there.

ASundayWellSpent · 18/07/2020 15:14

Seeing it written down, and thinking of people who I know that are that age, 22 seems so young

HOWEVER, I had mine at 21 and 24 and didn't feel young at all, except for when being judged by older people!

2020wasShocking · 18/07/2020 15:21

I would say it’s young, but I wouldn’t say very young.

This is my category 🤣

16-17 I would say very young.
18-21 young
22-24 quite young
25- 30 bog standard average Not young not old
30-35 a bit older
35-40 older
40+ A lot older

They’ve all got their pros and cons and I would t say there’s an ideal age for everyone.

2020wasShocking · 18/07/2020 15:22

Wouldn’t

2020wasShocking · 18/07/2020 15:22

It’s personal circumstances and preferences

HunterHearstHelmsley · 18/07/2020 15:33

Its just different opinions. I'm mid 30s and I'd consider myself too old to start having babies now. That's probably because most of my family started having children young (19-22)

ChangeThePassword · 18/07/2020 15:54

It's way too young imo

Would it be okay for someone that had their kids younger to say that in their opinion 35 was 'way too old' to have a baby?

Especially given that in medical terms 20-34 normal but once you hit 35 you are regarded as an elderly primigravida, so there is, on the face of it, more evidence to back that stance.

Owleyes16 · 18/07/2020 16:11

I think it depends massively on where you're from, class, culture, etc. Where I live, average is between 20 and 25. DP and I are trying, he'll be 31 this year and is scared about being an "old" dad. I'm 24, and about average, but most women in his family and area (much worse off area) had their children between 18 and 20 for the most part, and it's totally normal. My family is between 21 and 25 I think, although my sister is currently pregnant and closer to 30, mostly owing to her middle class friend circle where that's the normal age for them.