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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting old friend who has dogs and I’m worried

84 replies

Beeorwasp · 17/07/2020 16:16

Going to stay with an old school friend this weekend, camping on their land, not seen one another for over 2 years which during this time they have moved in with a new partner, and got 4 dogs! 2 are very big, bark a lot and jump up as are still quite young, less than 6 months old. They have a very big garden/woodland and the dogs run free. My partner and our DC are pretty scared of dogs especially DS, and are now saying they don’t want to come as they are worried about the dogs. I don’t think it’s fair to lock the dogs up at their own home and know friends partner is not at all happy about that, friend just keeps saying “it’ll be ok, they are friendly and we just need to get used to them”. DH and DC are my number 1 priority but don’t really want to cancel seeing friend and also missing what’s likely to be our only holiday this year because of dogs!
Any tips? WWYD?

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 17/07/2020 16:22

They don't sound like ideal dogs for someone who is scared of them, if they were older and quieter maybe.

QuarantineDream · 17/07/2020 16:26

I dislike being around dogs especially big barking ones. I also avoid going to friends who have lots of dogs. If your friend won't lock them up (and she has indicated she won't) I would cancel or go alone.

Just yesterday I read a heartbreaking story about a 2 year old who had half his face ripped off by dogs while at a friends' house.

bodgeitandscarper · 17/07/2020 16:26

I'd view it as a great opportunity for your children to be introduced to friendly dogs and overcome their fears if possible. The more of an issue you make, the greater their fear will be. I find that letting kids be in control, so holding the lead and making the dog sit or lie down can build their confidence no end. Having a dog friend to look after can be a great thing. Obviously go slow and don't force it, but look for the positives rather than the negatives. I'm sure your riend will understand and want to help.

onalongsabbatical · 17/07/2020 16:28

WWYD?
Not go unless the friend was willing to take on board that the fear is real and it's her responsibility to make sure her guests are comfortable and safe.

youhave4substitutes · 17/07/2020 16:29

I wouldn't fancy it. I'm not keen on big roaming dogs and I don't like putting my family in situations that frighten them just for my own benefit

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2020 16:32

I think your kids need to learn to over come their fear of dogs. And more concerningly so does your partner, I’m assuming this is where the children are getting it from.

They need to learn to treat dogs with respect but not fear them, or be able to recognise the times when they should and how to react. A blanket fear is just going to cause them life long problems.

The first issue is your partner, what have they done to get over their fear of dogs? Two of hese dogs are just puppies, and no one should be scared of puppies,

I think you need to talk to your partner first off and see what they are willing to do to help themselves to thus help the children.

Floralnomad · 17/07/2020 16:32

If I didn’t like dogs and my children didn’t like dogs I wouldn’t be going unless there was some way that the dogs could be kept away which doesn’t sound likely .

flooredbored · 17/07/2020 16:33

I live in a similar place to your friend with 4 big dogs. There is no way we would lock the dogs up for the weekend. If possible I would introduce your DC to the dogs and try to get them used to dogs.

Yeahnahmum · 17/07/2020 16:34

You haven't seen her. Nor her dogs. In 2 years. Yet you seem to know it all. Then don't go.

Or. Just live a little. See how it turns out and if all goes to shit you leave. And you know what :it might all be fine and everyone is happy.

Dogs are everywhere. Better teach your kid to get used to them. How to treat them. How to be less fearful. And tell them when dogs bark they are just saying hello. (imagining your friends dogs are friendly) and that they jump because they are puppies. And that they shouldn't run away, but stay calm.and turn their backs to them if they want the dog to go away. And tell the dog off. But don't go feeding the kids fear by shielding them from dogs.

My mum used to do that. It just creates fears for the rest of your life for nothing. It is an irrational fear as well. And a bloody annoying when considering dogs. Are. Everywhere.

Maybe introduce your ds to a small docile dog first. Build his trust. Etc. Good luck

dontdisturbmenow · 17/07/2020 16:44

You'll need to find the right balance. Not fair for the dogs to be locked away fro the whole weekend but she should ensure they are not let to run free either.

Ideally locking them when you first arrive, things settle so they are not as excited/hyper when they see you. Introducing one dog at the time and seeing how it goes.

LazyFace · 17/07/2020 16:45

Jumpy, barking dogs would not help your children overcome their fear of dogs.

AnnieMaul · 17/07/2020 16:46

If the dogs are under 6 months old, but you've not seen her for 2 years, how do you know they're barky and jump up a lot?

Is this something she has pre-warned you of?

ChickenFriedFudge · 17/07/2020 16:49

I agree with @Bluntness100 and @Yeahnahmum

Sounds like you all, in the nicest possible way, need to get over this. Already you are contemplating not taking the kids on what sounds like a really fun family trip because of dogs. Where does it end? I agree it's a great excuse to get over these fears.

elenacampana · 17/07/2020 16:49

The dogs live there so no they shouldn’t be locked away - I’d make my decision based on that.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/07/2020 17:00

Go on your own if they don't want to come with you?

NotMeNoNo · 17/07/2020 17:01

We have found ourselves being the people who say "he's just friendly". Our dog is normally quiet and relaxed, can go days without barking. He loves people, gets a bit excited when they first arrive and needs a firm GET DOWN and then will curl up quietly at their feet for the duration of the visit.

If instead we shut him in the conservatory he gets distressed, jumps around and barks to be let out the whole time. And then people go away saying thank goodness they kept that barky jumpy dog away from me. But of course we still respect they don't like dogs.

I speak as a reformed dog-fearer who simply had no exposure to a dog for long enough to get familiar with him and the behaviour of dogs in general.

alexdgr8 · 17/07/2020 17:01

you are going to the wrong location for your family.
why subject them to all this stress just because you want to yabber with an old pal.
why don't you go alone, or meet her somewhere for an afternoon.
maybe you and family could camp somewhere else, near enough to meet up.

notanothertakeaway · 17/07/2020 17:06

I think best you go on your own

Disclaimer - I'm scared of dogs and have no desire to "get over it". I'm happy to keep a distance

roxfox · 17/07/2020 17:07

Sounds like it's only a holiday for you.

Selfish AF. YABVVVVU

Velvian · 17/07/2020 17:08

I'm not sure that this is the situation for your DH and DC to "overcome their fear of dogs" not sure that's going to work.

Is there a campsite near to your friend that you can stay at and meet up on neutral turf. Sounds like they don't understand a fear of dogs and are being very dismissive. You'll get there, the dog's will bound about as they're puppies, your DC may cry or scream, cue eye rolling and arseyness from hosts.

Sk1nnyB1tch · 17/07/2020 17:11

I have a large dog that people cross the street to avoid. I love her but I don't take offense because other people don't know she's a wimp.
I don't think you should bring your family to a place where two large dogs run free and jump up. Not because I think they will bite but it's just not a holiday if everyone is stressed.
Also if her DP is already "standing up for the dogs" then it won't go well.
If people visiting my house are nervous around my dog I put the dog inside. (Used to be outside )

JonHammIsMyJamm · 17/07/2020 17:11

What would I do?

I wouldn’t arrange to stay in a household with 4 big, excitable dogs if most of my family were actively frightened of dogs.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 17/07/2020 17:12

I wouldnt go. You're absolutely right it's not fair for the dogs to be locked up in their own home. Can you stay somewhere nearby?

Shmithecat2 · 17/07/2020 17:15

Don't go. Your family won't like it, and the dogs shouldn't be locked away. Sounds awesome to me though, I love dogs, the bigger the better.

JaniceBattersby · 17/07/2020 17:16

Absolutely loving the people who think being in the enforced company of four big, bouncy, semi-controlled dogs will help kids overcome their fear of dogs.

I have been scared of dogs since I was bitten when I was four (the bite wasn’t bad). A fear of dogs is not irrational - they do bite and jump up, and seemingly moreso these days because so many owners have such poor control of their animals.

I’ve had to be in the company of many people’s dogs over the past 30 years and it’s never, ever helped my fear no matter how gentle those dogs have been. I still feel panicky around dogs and cannot relax. I’ve never shown this fear to my kids. They all loved dogs as toddlers but one by one they’ve either been knocked to their feet or slobbered all over by ‘friendly’ dogs and so two out of four of them are also now scared of dogs. Clearly their fear is absolutely not unfounded.

I’m not forcing them into the company of any animals and I certainly wouldn’t be going on holiday where there were four dogs there. It would be my idea of a nightmare.

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