Visiting old friend who has dogs and I’m worried

[Beeorwasp]

Going to stay with an old school friend this weekend, camping on their land, not seen one another for over 2 years which during this time they have moved in with a new partner, and got 4 dogs! 2 are very big, bark a lot and jump up as are still quite young, less than 6 months old. They have a very big garden/woodland and the dogs run free. My partner and our DC are pretty scared of dogs especially DS, and are now saying they don’t want to come as they are worried about the dogs. I don’t think it’s fair to lock the dogs up at their own home and know friends partner is not at all happy about that, friend just keeps saying “it’ll be ok, they are friendly and we just need to get used to them”. DH and DC are my number 1 priority but don’t really want to cancel seeing friend and also missing what’s likely to be our only holiday this year because of dogs!
Any tips? WWYD?

I would agree this is not the ‘ideal opportunity’ for your daily to get over their fears of dogs. It is a recipe for disaster. Exposure to fear inducing objects/scenarios should be slow and gradually increasing in intensity as your resilience increases. Not just BANG, turned up to 11. It isn’t fair on anyone and is likely to make the fear worse rather than better.

I have a (single) dog and he is a big, bouncing idiot who has never shown any signs of aggression, ever. However, he can be overwhelming to some people and especially to those who aren’t particularly ‘doggy’ (never mind those who have a fear of dogs).

There was a thread from the other perspective recently.
OP was told not to pander to her guests, her dog should come first. If they want to meet itl have to be on neutral ground.

You either go alone or meet elsewhere. It's her dog's home and it's a whole weekend you're going for, not just a couple of hours.

Your husband needs to not pass his fears onto your children. I can't stand it when my dog walks past someone (he's ignoring them!) and they scream in horror. Fucking pathetic, he didn't even notice them till they screamed at him ahhhhhrgh.

It's not an irrational fear. Both my brothers and myself have been bitten by random dogs - my brother as recently as 2 months ago while pushing his bike through a supermarket car park. Bloody thing just rushed up and bit his ankle. No sign of owner. I had my calf bitten while walking past a driveway. No warning, took me completely by surprise. I was scared of dogs as a child, and whilst I'm much more relaxed around them now I much prefer to avoid them. It's not irrational.
OP , I wouldn't go. It's not fair to your family to be around four (not one, but four) dogs when it makes them all uneasy. Being forced to be around 4 strange dogs for a week is not going to ease them out of their fear.

I'm not a dog person and they scare me quite easily, so why on earth would I go to stay in a house where big dogs run free, bark a lot and jump up at people? Why would you want to make the people you love who fear dogs do that?

The assumption that people can just "get over" fears infuriates me. So ignorant and belittling.

I would cancel.
In fact I would never have arranged to go from the moment dogs were mentioned.

For me, I would book a travelodge overnight nearby, by myself though, meet friend away from their house the next day for shopping/lunch etc.

It would be an absolute, non negotiable no from the get go.

@Giganticshark, ever thought about becoming a therapist? 😂

We had guests to stay last weekend. We have a large, fairly bouncy dog with a loud bark (he barks if people come to the door or are outside the window close to the house). He doesn't jump up at people he doesn't know though. Our guests had a 7 yo dd who had always been scared of dogs. By the time they left, their dd was stroking our dog, throwing a ball for him and was sad to leave him!

This has happened with several friends' dc in the past. And with some adults. They just aren't used to being around dogs. It usually only takes a couple of hours of being around the dog to conquer their fear.

If you don't want to go, then don't go. But it's not ok to ask them to lock the dogs away imo.

I wouldn't go. These are not the type of dogs you use to get people used to dogs, or the situation. For this you need calm, friendly and well trained dog.

Can you go on your own? I have also observed nervous children losing their fear quickly when they spend time with dogs, but, crucially, anyone who’s got to the age of adulthood without getting over it is pretty entrenched and won’t enjoy it and will also drive everyone else mad by freaking out at the smallest thing. Your children will take their cue from the parent behaving like that too, and your friends will feel embarrassed and annoyed. Therefore, don’t take partner and kids but if that was the only possible holiday (presumably for cost reasons) and your partner can’t come up with an alternative, they shouldn’t try to stop you going.

@Velian oops, I may have just reread that and come across a bit mean. My apologies OP.
I agree that jumpy dogs aren't nice. It would be nice if you could meet your friend but come to a compromise
:)

I wouldn't go. It will be hell.

You don't have to put up with someone else's dogs if you don't want to. Your friend is a terrible host if she refuses to put them out of the way when you visit even for a short time, but 'expects you to 'get used to them'. If she won't, then I'm afraid she'll need to 'get used' to you not visiting her.

Your husband should have done his best not to pass on his fear to his children. This might be a way for them all to get over it. Children should be taught not yo go near any dog they don't know. They should always be way, but to fear them before even seeing them is irrational.

I can see both sides here. You're going to be on the dogs' territory and I don't think your friend should be expected to lock them up. But if I was your friend I would also understand if you didn't want to risk it.

Have you had a conversation with your friend about it? Is there any way you can both come up with an 'action plan' to gradually introduce the dogs to your DC over the weekend?

I know quite a few children who are scared of dogs but have learnt to be comfortable around a certain dog once they've been introduced in a controlled way.

The assumption that people can just "get over" fears infuriates me. So ignorant and belittling

Indeed. My close friend thinks I'm a wimp because I don't like to be in the same room as her hyper barky cocker spaniel. But she humours me and puts him in the garden (which he seems not to mind). On the other hand, she won't get on a plane and needs valium to go to the dentist. I don't go around calling her fear irrational (even though I think it is)

It usually only takes a couple of hours of being around the dog to conquer their fear

I think that's a tad ambitious. I was occasionally encouraged to be around dogs as a child to 'cure' my fear. Not by my parents, but parents of my friends, who'd promised to put the dog away while I was there, and who decided to renege on their promise in order to perform a miracle cure in me. It never worked and left me tearful and scared. I said in a previous post that the much older me is more relaxed around dogs. By that, I mean I have enough control not to run screaming. But I still avoid visiting dogs in their own home. It makes me uncomfortable as I'm on their territory. I suppose I'm still scared of dogs, but as an adult I can make my own rules about when I'm willing to be exposed to them in their own territory. Kids can't.

Yep can you not have a conversation with your friend about it? Just be upfront. It just seems such a shame and it’s not your issue and yet it’s you and the kids missing out. Could you go alone with the kids. They might not care about the dogs without your partner giving off vibes.
Your partner needs to make sure they don’t pass this fear on to your children any more. It’s horrible for them and dogs are everywhere.
Yes some can bite.
But guess what, humans are everywhere and some stab you or shoot you or mug you. But most don’t. And you don’t avoid going to places with humans.
How about your partner does some Basic research on dog behaviour So they can recognise when a dog is or isn’t friendly and when they are stressed. That helps to take the unpredictable element out, that many people say is the cause of their fear. Dogs body language is very easy to read if you have any idea of what you are looking at. I appreciate that dogs are smelly and dirty and sniff bums etc and clearly not everyone is a fan of them which is completely fair enough. But not liking something And choosing not to engages is different to spoiling a lovely weekend away because of a fear.

With regard to the weekend, it’s a shame really. It should be a really fun weekend for everyone. But seems like your partner is going to spoil it. It is really irritating if you have a lovely friendly dog who is minding its own business and people squeal with fear at the sight of it. I wouldn’t shut my dogs away for a weekend. An hour or two maybe for a guest but not a weekend. And if they are big and bouncy and still not fully trained (like most teenagers ) then it’s probably not going to be much fun this time. But maybe you could go another time if your partner and kids do some work around their anxieties and your friends dogs are passed the manic teenage stage and better trained.

I know lots of people don’t want to get over their fear, which is fair enough as an adult, but kids miss out on fun stuff if they are scared of dogs. Because they can’t relax around them so things like the park, beach, pub garden, countryside walk etc are all fraught. My kids have friendS to play and sometimes one of the kids is scared of our dogs. I do shut the big one away and the little one is calm and doesn’t jump and we take some time to introduce them and usually it’s all fine and they are running about together happily in the end. There is one child who is very scared on the dog’s and her mum always asks me to shut them both away in the boot room the whole time. And to be honest it’s a pita and I do try and avoid having her over. Although why she always asks to come when she’s so scared is a mystery to me 😕

Not a “holiday” given the circumstances: wouldn’t go.

I wouldn’t bother with the weekend camping because you will all be on edge the whole time. I do think you need to take steps to encourage DS to become more relaxed around dogs since they’re everywhere. Do you know anybody with a calm, gentle dog that your DS could help look after one day? With a friend or family member? It’s something you definitely need to work on for DS’s sake.

Defs would not go to this. Would be on the edge the full time and would not relax nor feel like it’s a holiday.

Go alone.

Can’t. You camp somewhere else?

Quite honestly I NEVER trust dogs especially with children especially if they are a pack.
I have two friends one with three huskies and an alsation who are supposedly extremely friendly and have never show aggression - could have fooled me, I'm very chilled around animals and respect their boundaries and three times now one of their dogs, the alpha, has growled and shown its fangs at me with an extremely scarey look in its eyes if we've been alone in a room. I KNOW that dog will attack me given the chance so I make sure I'm never alone with it.
Likwise a friend who also has four huge dogs and lets them leap all over you to an excessive degree and given the breed and the size I know it would only take one second for the whole lot to turn on me like a pack of wolves as they are not properly trained so I refuse to visit that friend any more.
Don't trust them for one second with your child.

A big dog jumping up at you will certainly help anyone get over their fear of dogs

I just wouldn't go, seems a mad idea when you know your friend has dogs. I don't like dogs, my friends with dogs know that, I rarely visit their homes (we meet elsewhere) and in a million years I would never camp in their garden. Whatever made you make that decision?

I love dogs, big or small, barky or quiet.
DH and DD1 were terrified of them - we would not have been able to go to your friend’s house.
(We have since got our own dog and now it would be fine, but before they were ok with dogs, not a chance).
And you can’t ask for the dogs to I be locked up - that’s not fair. I have had to ask someone else to have my dog when we’ve had terrified friends to visit, as I can’t keep a big dog confined.