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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting old friend who has dogs and I’m worried

84 replies

Beeorwasp · 17/07/2020 16:16

Going to stay with an old school friend this weekend, camping on their land, not seen one another for over 2 years which during this time they have moved in with a new partner, and got 4 dogs! 2 are very big, bark a lot and jump up as are still quite young, less than 6 months old. They have a very big garden/woodland and the dogs run free. My partner and our DC are pretty scared of dogs especially DS, and are now saying they don’t want to come as they are worried about the dogs. I don’t think it’s fair to lock the dogs up at their own home and know friends partner is not at all happy about that, friend just keeps saying “it’ll be ok, they are friendly and we just need to get used to them”. DH and DC are my number 1 priority but don’t really want to cancel seeing friend and also missing what’s likely to be our only holiday this year because of dogs!
Any tips? WWYD?

OP posts:

dayswithaY · 17/07/2020 19:57

The people saying "just get over it" have no idea how irrational fear works. It's irrational, no one chooses to be afraid of dogs - it's annoying, limiting and embarrassing but people seem to be fine with adults leaping in the air with fear when they see a bee or a spider but not when it's a huge barking dog?

We had a similar situation when staying with friends who had one large untrained dog. It didn't end well as they refused to believe DD was nervous of him and she was just "putting it on for attention". Dog was left to roam around, jumping up and barking with no thought for small children at all. We left early.

ClickandForget · 17/07/2020 20:03

A big dog jumping up at you will certainly help anyone get over their fear of dogs

Yeah. Drop 'em in the deep end. Always works. To put them off completely with a bit of trauma for seconds.

Ragwort · 17/07/2020 20:08

Just go on your own, why would you expect your DP and DC to camp somewhere where they feel uncomfortable? In fact why doesn't your DO just say he's not going? .

PregnancySucksTCJ · 17/07/2020 20:13

Oh dear. I absolutely adore dogs big and small so that sounds like an amazing holiday to me! I suppose for me it would depends on how bad their fear is and whether they would be able to relax after the initial meeting with the dogs. It seems abit sad that they don’t like dogs.... what a miserable existence imo.

Daffodilius · 17/07/2020 20:18

Ask your friend for a gentle introduction for them. If they are taught to sit when they approach you and are given rewards then they will be looking to do the good thing that gets them the rewards.

I think it's very crippling for a child to be scared of dogs as they are so commonplace.

Daffodilius · 17/07/2020 20:18

^^ the dogs to sit not the kids

hibbledobble · 17/07/2020 20:20

You have three choices: don't go, go alone, or go and introduce your children and partner to dogs. I agree with previous posters that dogs are everywhere, so it is worth getting over your family's fear of them.

Children pick up on their parents' emotions and reactions. It's probably best to leave your partner behind for the introduction, so that they can see you react positively to dogs. I love dogs, and my children have never been fearful as a result.

mencken · 17/07/2020 20:23

I'm not frightened of well-trained and controlled dogs. Hell would freeze over before I went near your friend's house.

and said garden/woodland will be piled with dogshit. Lovely place to camp, not...

ClickandForget · 17/07/2020 20:27

It seems abit sad that they don’t like dogs.... what a miserable existence imo

Eh? I live my entire life without dogs. Loads of my friends are dogless, and happily so. Dogs don't even figure when it comes to judging who has a miserable existence and who does not. They make 'some' people happier, I understand that.
I don't want a dog. If I was forced into keeping one, 'that' would be a fucking miserable existence for me. Stink the house out and leave hairs everywhere. And if you think your dog doesn't smell the house out, I've got news for you.

Giganticshark · 17/07/2020 20:42

Considering my earlier comment I do actually put my stupid spaniel in the garage or garden when I have guests over 🤣
I don't like him jumping at me or anyone and he gets bonkers when people visit.
But that's an hour or two. If someone is visiting for a weekend they have to lump him unfortunately

Sleepingboy · 18/07/2020 07:26

@JonHammIsMyJamm

What would I do?

I wouldn’t arrange to stay in a household with 4 big, excitable dogs if most of my family were actively frightened of dogs.

This. Did you not think it would be a problem when you were just thinking about going rather than actually when it is all booked and arranged?,!

nicky7654 · 18/07/2020 07:33

Just go and have a lovely time. The dogs will be fine. Your making a mountain out of a molehill !!

Mumdiva99 · 18/07/2020 07:39

I love dogs. But no way would I allow my children to camp in someone's land where there are 4 dogs roaming. They will not be supervised as its a safe environment for them so it's not needed. They will be territorial as it's their land. Dogs are pack animals and can be a danger. So no. Don't go. You would never forgive yourself if it went wrong.

The fear of dogs is a completely separate issue. Yes it's nice for your kids to get over this.....but 4 unrestrained dogs is not the way to do it.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/07/2020 07:42

This would most likely reinforce their dog fear if anything. Chances are they won't be physically hurt but it will be a stressful miserable weekend.

I also agree many people live perfectly happy lives without being around dogs.

rookiemere · 18/07/2020 07:44

Sounds like you can go on your own. If that's a possibility, then that's what I'd do. It doesn't sound like much of a holiday for your DCs and DH to be around 4 big dogs and puppies will naturally be boisterous particularly around young DCs.
Trip is for you to catch up with your friend so go and do that.

AlternativePerspective · 18/07/2020 07:48

Too many people re-label fear as “phobia” when in actual fact most people who are afraid of dogs are cautious and will get over it in the right situation.

Fact is there are dogs everywhere. If you don’t want your children to be exposed to dogs then best never go camping/to the seaside/take them to parks or the woods because there will always be dogs off lead.

These dogs are less than six months old you say. So they’re puppies. We’re not talking about some pack of ravaging guard dogs out there waiting to destroy the DC. And they’re going to be on the same land you are, not sleeping in your bedroom.

But too many people indulge these fears and then make it worse. The more you enable a child to never be in the company of any dogs, the more you are giving them the message that fearing dogs is perfectly normal and ok.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/07/2020 07:50

Many adults don't want the company of dogs, it's not compulsory and a responsible owner keeps their dogs away from unknown people

Ginfordinner · 18/07/2020 07:50

friend just keeps saying “it’ll be ok, they are friendly and we just need to get used to them”

I hate it when dog owners who clearly have no problem with dogs say this. It is not very helpful for people who are terrified of dogs.

Absolutely loving the people who think being in the enforced company of four big, bouncy, semi-controlled dogs will help kids overcome their fear of dogs.

This is spot on. Young dogs jump up a lot. It’s what they do. They don’t mean any harm, but this won’t help someone who is scared of dogs.

I grew up with dogs and am comfortable around them, but if I owned a dog and had a friend around who was afraid of them I would make sure that my guest felt safe and comfortable. Dog owners who prioritise their dog over their guest’s comfort are thoughtless and selfish. A friendship is as important to me as a pet would be.

The assumption that people can just "get over" fears infuriates me. So ignorant and belittling

I agree. I see that the dog lovers have come out in force with their ridiculous suggestions, and assume that someone can get over their fear of dogs if they spend time with 4 jumpy, barky big dogs. Yeah, that will work

I would also assume that there will be a lot of dog shit about the place.

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/07/2020 14:38

it's not compulsory and a responsible owner keeps their dogs away from unknown people

Surely it's better to introduce them so that they're not unknown though?

OP, I'd go alone and have a lovely catch up with your friend.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/07/2020 14:53

@Strugglingtodomybest

it's not compulsory and a responsible owner keeps their dogs away from unknown people

Surely it's better to introduce them so that they're not unknown though?

OP, I'd go alone and have a lovely catch up with your friend.

I'm thinking more with strangers with that part. I don't get the logic that anyone unwilling to learn dog psychology and spend time around dogs is missing out.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 18/07/2020 15:08

@Ginfordinner, not all the ‘dog lovers’ have said that.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 18/07/2020 15:11

@onalongsabbatical

WWYD? Not go unless the friend was willing to take on board that the fear is real and it's her responsibility to make sure her guests are comfortable and safe.

How about OPs responsibility not to go and stay with someone who she knows has 4 large dogs when her partner and child are scared of dogs? OP chose to stay with her friend knowing the situation, why should the dogs be locked up all weekend, seems an odd choice of place to holiday given the circumstances with her partner and child

Just go and stay on your own?

cologne4711 · 18/07/2020 15:51

Being afraid of dogs isn't irrational. Being scared of heights (which I am) is irrational, the building I am at the top of isn't suddenly going to collapse and I even get jelly legs looking at some heights on TV! Being claustrophobic is irrational, the sides of the lift aren't suddenly going to close in.

However the risk of being jumped on by an out of control dog or being bitten or knocked off your bike or pushed over if a small child isn't at all unlikely. Happens all the time. Anyway I just don't like them. The idea of being licked or "kissed" by a dog - yuck.

You can't lock dogs up all weekend but I would expect them to be locked away if I was only calling in for an hour or so. If an owner wasn't even willing to do that I wouldn't go. Many of you will probably say that's no loss. Fine.

cologne4711 · 18/07/2020 15:51

It seems abit sad that they don’t like dogs.... what a miserable existence imo

I can assure you I am entirely happy and much prefer guinea pigs.

Ginfordinner · 18/07/2020 16:36

[quote JonHammIsMyJamm]@Ginfordinner, not all the ‘dog lovers’ have said that.[/quote]
Apologies. I realise that. I purposely didn't say all dog lovers, however, I should have said some dog lovers.

I know plenty of dog owners who are socially aware enough to realise that not everyone loves their dog as much as they do.

It seems a bit sad that they don’t like dogs.... what a miserable existence imo

It isn't miserable if you don't like dogs though. Is it?

I am ambivalent about dogs. I am not scared of them, nor do I dislike them. However, I don't love them. Cats are better in every way

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