Friend and children still in complete lockdown

[madbirdlady22]

I am getting quite worried about a friend of mine, and wondered if there is something I can or should be doing do to help her.

Since mid March she has been in lockdown with her dh and children, and along the same lines as everyone else stayed in. Back then she would not even take the children for a walk, they stayed at home 247 with shopping delivered. I asked her why not go for a walk, but she said there was no need as they have a garden.

Now we are in mid July, and the children have still not been out. They decided against going back to school in June, and they have not been out anywhere at all since March. I am feeling quite worried now, not just for her, but for the children as well (they are ages 7 and 4) she has not seen any friends or been out of the house at all since the lockdown began.

I suggested the park, she said it was too busy, I mentioned going to the gardens nearby for a picnic with her dc, and she said they couldn't get a ticket, but I know it is possible to get tickets easily. She lives an hour and a half away, so I can't just pop in and check on her, and I feel I should respect her wishes.

She is now saying she doesn't think the children will go back to school in September after all. I am getting very worried about her.

I think/thought her MH is fine, her dh has PTSD at the moment. I am feeling concerned, she has no family nearby and no other support from what I can gather.

They spend all day every day in the house or in the garden.
They are not shielding, are not vulnerable at all and they are all perfectly healthy.

Should I say something? Are other people also doing this? Should I just leave them to it? She has been a friend for 35 years plus and we grew up together.

I think that there is also an assumption that people who are not "getting back to normal" are afraid. I am not afraid. As a family we are enjoying more time at home as a family.

I send weekly reports on our COVID cases, I know the drug treatments and other treatments we are currently trailing, I'm leading on some of our prep for potential second waves and local lockdowns. So I am very well informed on the local situation re covid, and it doesn't scare me.

The youngest is almost 6 and still finds the idea of social distancing, or even appropriate personal space a bit hard to grasp, I think if we did meet up with any other families with kids we'd spend all the time telling them not to get to close, which does not sound like fun, relaxing or a positive mental health experience!

She’s imposing it on her kids.

This is ridiculous. Why do you think you know better than her about what to do with her own family?

I'm continuing to isolate due to obesity & 2 immunity disorders. We have a big garden, trampolines, Joe Wickes etc. My son goes running with his Dad. Every time I suggest a walk my son would rather do an exercise video. My DH hasn't been asked to return to the office. What's the problem?

If you were my 'friend' I'd be telling you firmly to mind your own business & not bothering with you in the future. Friends don't have to see things the way you do or behave as you do. Leaver her alone.

Also, if you unregister your child from school and homeschool them the LEA does stay in contact. It's not uncommon and there are a good few Ofsted registered Outstanding online schools now.

Let people live as they want to.

ineedaholidaynow I think it will be a shock to all the kids. Especially those who haven't been in school at all since March due to not being in the permitted year groups.

@ktp100 The children aren't allowed to go for walks. I'd hardly call that ridiculous.

PablosHoney how do you know though? How do you know they feel differently. I have to say I absolutely dreaded the idea of lockdown as we were so sociable and outgoing previously. I couldn't fathom what I would do with the kids, figured they'd hate it' miss school, miss friends and they haven't. And it has been easy. So maybe her family are the same, maybe they ALL enjoy it. Maybe the kids don't want to go out, maybe they are homebods and haven't had chance to find it out until now. Or maybe the kids are hating it and she is imprisoning them. You don't know, I don't know and they OP doesn't know.

It definitely sounds like she is trapped in her own pattern and agree it can't be good for her or the kids.

One thing when people are anxious about something is that they decide on a set of things thta are 'safe' and won't step outside it. Unfortunately thats a vicious cycle.

DH and I have very different attitudes to risk in general and covid in particular. I can upset him by putting him in a situation that freaks him out, because it wouldn't even occur to me that he would perceive it as dangerous. eg Going to a new playground is apparently more worrying than our usual playground; he freaks out about the baby picking up sticks or touching other children's balls/bikes, but not about us touching gates or playground equipment; it's illogical but it's real to him.

We had a talk about it and (I hope!) we have agreed that we are going to try more new things, but also each time he will try to think through what about it might freak him out so we can minimize unnecessary stress (eg, meet another family in a familiar place, OR go to a new place, but not both) and gradually expand the range of stuff we can do.

Sorry this isn't really a strategy that can work for the OP's situation but maybe food for thought for someone else.

@newnamenewgamenewpain My son has absolutely loved lockdown too. He's genuinely happy at home, has done a huge amount of work, is exercising etc. He's always been a home body and so am I.

It's been lovely having this time at home as a family.

Apparently that makes us weird though

@newnamenewgamenewpain The way she's stirring up shit for her friend is though!

Next she'll be ringing SS or something!!

How do we know the kids want to go for a walk? Mine doesn't but he's on a trampoline in the garden and doing Boxing training videos and Joe Wickes - am I a better mother if I drag him miserable around the village every day to please the busy bodies?

It's fine to enjoy spending time at home. I am a fairly extreme introvert myself.

What is not fine is being afraid to go out.

I've nothing to really add but maybe contact the school and ask them to do a check call.

The difference between how schools handling this is so different. DS school one phone call and that's it. DS who is 18 so obviously an adult if they don't answer a weekly email the school will send some one out to check on the pupil

We've adapted quite easily to covid lifestyle , as have many of our friends and relatives. I know we're very fortunate that our past life choices and experience have resulted in a cushion of financial, personal and and practical resources . We were adaptable, resilient and independent decades before covid and so were many other people we know.

You mention your friends shildhood. and her DH;s PTSD.

IME, what doesn;t kill you makes you stronger.

IOW, their life experiences and views on life, have made them more resilient, more independent, and well able to cope with current circumstances in their own little bubble.

Funny isn't it. At the start of all this there were many posters having a go at people who were criticising neighbours for breaking lockdown rules. They were being called the stasi and all sorts. Telling people to mind their own business, nothing to do with them what people did.

Now we've got threads like these, criticising people for not going out and doing as they're told, no doubt created by the very people who, four months ago, were labelling posters stasi and busybodies.

Maybe she's developed agoraphobia? I know that i started to feel slightly freaked out about leaving the house after being in for so long and I'm a raging extrovert

We're the same as your friend. We've spent a lot of time in the garden. We can WFH. Our DCs are keeping in touch with friends on facetime, PS, etc. We go out for walks and exercise but aren't meeting up with other people or going to garden centres or parks. In fact most of our social circle are the same and we're all professionals, some key workers. We're keeping in touch by Zoom and WhatsApp. DS has loved being at home.
I don't think your friend is that unusual. In fact when DS' year group had a zoom call, over 90% were the same.

@ktp100 absolutely!! Maybe it's hard to understand for those who don't have nice home lives?

There are going to be tens of thousands of children coming out of this pandemic with agoraphobia and hypochondria. And that's without the social and behavioural issues that being kept away from other children and adults will cause.

Totally agree with this. It's worrying.

And for all the people saying "maybe she and her children are having a lovely fun time with family you don't KNOW", suggest a quick scan through the OP's updates:

"She is also drinking alot more, and she didn't used to"

"Her son is lashing out a lot, hitting her"

Lovely cosy family fun there right enough.

@GoldenOmber

There are going to be tens of thousands of children coming out of this pandemic with agoraphobia and hypochondria. And that's without the social and behavioural issues that being kept away from other children and adults will cause.

Totally agree with this. It's worrying.

A thousand times this. Regardless of whether they’re enjoying it, not even going out for walks is not normal. How are they going to feel when suddenly being out and about and going to school and clubs become normal again? If they decide they would rather stay home indefinitely is that ok? No, it’s dysfunctional.

There are going to be tens of thousands of children coming out of this pandemic with agoraphobia and hypochondria
There isn't any research to support that. There has been a limited study to show children were more anxious or/and had sleep issues in the first two weeks of lockdown but it seemed directly related to how anxious/depressed their parents were.

I wish people would stop saying 'We are the same and it's totally normal, oh, but we're going for walks'. It's not the same.
If not a single person in your household has left the home at all since March then it's the same. Otherwise, you are getting some sense of outside perspective which is quite important I think.

I'm not in the UK, but if I was, I'd be the same as your friend.

The government has no control over the situation and the health service has shown itself to be a massive failure. There are still way too many people getting infected and dying. People are weird about wearing masks and washing their hands. The UK has handled the whole thing incredibly poorly.

I have enjoyed the time at home with my kids that we didn’t generally have before.

However, I was always aware that it was a huge chance for my children to be stuck home, no school, play dates, clubs, dinners out and all the things that were part of our life and for that all to change overnight is massive for them.

So I got them out as soon as I could as much as I could. My eldest was starting to be afraid of going out and I didn’t want that to be ingrained in her and my approach has worked.

Embracing a new way of life is one thing, not going out is quite another.

Scotland’s children’s commissioner is talking about a children’s rights emergency www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-53419843

I just don’t see how you can argue that such a massive sea change in their lives and withdrawal from the outside world is no big thing.

Why do you think it's ok to ignore her and her oh feelings and railroad her into going out when she dosnt want to ?

Are you serious ? Her behaviour is not normal, her poor kids must be pretty fucked up by now.