Suspect parent having affair

[hepatocyte]

Adult child here, should be in my 5th year of uni but pandemic, so I’m staying with my parents

Suspect M of cheating.

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. But I do know D doesn’t deserve it, would be devastated and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout. Their lives are very much intertwined, all same friends, close knit family, two dogs they adore (brothers, could never be separated), lots of future plans together.

I’m struggling to act normally. I should just keep out of it right?

Didn’t even know there was a vote option, but I guess U - keep your beak out NBU- try and talk to M

What are your suspicions based on?

You say you suspect her of cheating - how sure are you? Do you have proof? If so I would confront her

Beak out.

What is it that makes you suspect?

I had a friend who’s parents lived together but separated when she was 4. They are still living together now but dating other people. Although we (friend and circle) also suspect they are swinging partners for want of a better term 😂

I'm firmly in the keep out of it camp. Never meddle in your parents relationships. No good can come of it.

Sorry last anecdote not that helpful but I just mean he might know if she is

Oh god leave the scab alone. I know my dad has been having affairs with a number of different women for 25 years. He's admitted it. To my mum too. Both desperately unhappy but still presenting as happily married. Wish I lived in ignorant bliss.

Definitely nothing concrete but I have a really sick, sinking feeling. A message sent by her (I genuinely saw accidentally) with the conversation history deleted. I felt in my gut it was weird, told myself I must have read it wrong, and so looked again and it has been deleted

I've never been in this position but a friend of mine has. They talked to the non-cheating parent and it very quickly transpired that they parent had a good idea of what was going on, but had chosen not to engage with it. My friend was then left in the really crappy position of knowing their parent knew that THEY knew, if that makes sense. It changed the dynamic of their relationship.

So if you do speak to your Dad about it, be prepared for the fact that he might already know, and just have chosen not to think about it. That'll change what you think about both of them.

@MiddleClassProblem ha, hence my disclaimer ‘I don’t know the ins and outs’. That would certainly be a shock !

why are you looking at youre mothers phone?

We regularly grab photos etc off each other’s phones and know each other’s passcodes, like it was genuinely not something I expected to see

Allsorts the OP already explained she saw it accidentally. These things happen.

Well the voting won't help you as it's currently at 50/50

I would straight up just ask your mum.

What's the worst that could happen?

What did the message say exactly?

No, the replies so far are really helpful though so thank you PP. it’s not anger or anything that’s driving me, it’s more I know my mum would be heartbroken with the reality of getting divorced etc (if it ever came to that) and I’m scared she’s convinced herself it’s not going to happen

Keep out of it. They are your parents but they are also individual people. Marriage/long-term relationships are hard, and complex. Be kind to both of them. Also, lockdown has changed so many things, we are all trying to do our best to get by and to get along. Let them both know you love them and are always there for them - there's a reversal of the usual child/parent dynamic for you, right there!

Well, if you saw something, you can't unsee it. What do you think your mum's message said? Could it have been innocent?

I wouldn’t be able to ignore something like this. It would eat away at me. Unless your mum is completely heartless I’m pretty sure she’d feel the same.

As the adult I am now, I think I would have to say something like “mum I know you know I saw that text. I don’t want to know the details but if you’re doing something that would hurt dad you need to stop. It’s not fair on him, and it’s not fair on me. I do not want to talk about it so please don’t”.

What if you say something to your Mum and years later your Dad finds out you knew all along?
I’d go with either say nothing or tell your Mum big tell her she needs to tell your Dad

Your DF probably already knows. People in long-term marriages usually know the behaviour patterns of their partner pretty well. Ask yourself what can be achieved by intervening and who will benefit. I'm sorry if this has been a shock to you and hoping your family can survive this x

I was in this position and then my dad found out and they went through an extremely acrimonious divorce. I'm still glad I stayed out of it though - I don't think it would have helped if it had come from me. But prepare yourself divorce might happen.

I'm still not understanding what about the message you saw, has led to the conclusion of an affair?