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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suspect parent having affair

94 replies

hepatocyte · 16/07/2020 19:45

Adult child here, should be in my 5th year of uni but pandemic, so I’m staying with my parents

Suspect M of cheating.

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. But I do know D doesn’t deserve it, would be devastated and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout. Their lives are very much intertwined, all same friends, close knit family, two dogs they adore (brothers, could never be separated), lots of future plans together.

I’m struggling to act normally. I should just keep out of it right?

OP posts:
rayoflightboy · 16/07/2020 20:49

I wouldnt say anything.You only saw part of a message.

If you had something more concrete like catching her kissing or coming out of a hotel with a man.Yes say something.

But your "gut" can be wrong.And plenty of people delete messages.

Also she wouldnt be so free and easy with her phone if she was up to something.

gluteustothemaximus · 16/07/2020 20:49

It's a lose lose situation.

I'd want to know if someone was cheating. As you don't 100% know, I'd probably probe M.

If I was being cheated on, I'd hope my kids would tell me if they knew.

chocaholic73 · 16/07/2020 20:55

There's a saying that the only 2 people who understand the dynamic of a marriage are those inside it. Very long relationships are incredibly complicated and, sometimes, people can love each other or be good companions but in a platonic way. I would say leave well alone. If you get involved you are potentially opening a huge can of worms.

FaceOfASpink · 16/07/2020 20:56

It's a horrible situation for you. My DS was put in the same position by his fuckwit father. You need to talk to your Mum because no one wants STDs and she's a prime age for getting one and passing it on.
If you can't face a direct conversation maybe 'find' a news article while you're with her and do a whole oh look isn't this funny guess which age group are increasingly at risk ...kind of thing. With or without the pointed looks it might at least mean she doesn't go giving your dad something nasty.

suggestionsplease1 · 16/07/2020 20:57

I would speak to your mum and express your concern and uncertainty and take it from there.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/07/2020 20:58

Oh c'mon @FaceOfASpink How patronising is that? !

I am sure most 50-60 year olds are fully aware of STIs without their daughter's 'having a word'.

Are you serious????

Starlyte · 16/07/2020 21:00

Now lockdown's over, I think (?) mostly, can you not take a holiday, go camping, if you can't do anything else, and let them sort it out? That's frankly what I'd do, as if not you'll finish by taking sides, and maybe have a parent less.
I wouldn't say anything really, and getting away from the family home after being shut in together for weeks would probably do you some good. It's easier to see a situation when you're not right on top of it.

Toptotoeunicolour · 16/07/2020 21:00

I would jokingly question her about it (but in a horrified way, letting her know you would disapprove) and pretend to believe her when she reassures you it was innocent. The purpose of that is that she will make very sure neither you nor df find out anything more about it which is the way it should have been in the first place. From that point on, beak out.

MynameisHappind · 16/07/2020 21:02

It's none of your business.

Zeusthemoose · 16/07/2020 21:02

Honestly it's non of your business. You really have no concrete evidence and also she may be your Mum but she's an individual that's free to make her own choices. You have no idea about the ins and outs of your parents marriage or whether she would regret a divorce.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/07/2020 21:03

so if she talks to her mum, her mum will either a) lie b) lie c) lie or maybe d) tell her to mind her own business or maybe even e) 'Yes darling I am shagging Norman from up the road but daddy's fine about it because he's shagging Edna in No 12.'

MynameisHappind · 16/07/2020 21:03

You've no idea what your dad actually is like as a husband to say he doesnt deserve it. It's got nothing to do with you.

sonjadog · 16/07/2020 21:05

If it were my Mum, I would mention that I saw it and ask what it was about. There might be an explanation that you haven't thought of, or it might put the fear into her that she will be found out and she might rethink what she is doing. I can't imagine not saying anything to my Mum but I guess it depends on what your relationship with her is like.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 16/07/2020 21:10

What a horrible situation to be in, OP. I do feel for you.

I think I'd have to say something if I were in your shoes. To my DM, not my DF. I might just say something like: I don't want to, or need to know your business but i accidentally saw a text on your phone that made me worry. Is there anything I need to be worried about? If she says no, nothing to worry about, then you have to let it be.

AliTheMinx · 16/07/2020 21:16

I'm almost sure my DM had an affair. I am an only child, and when I was born I became the apple of DF's eye and DM has always been very jealous. She is not maternal and struggles to show emotions. When I was about 6 or 7 my parents had a huge row and have since slept in different rooms. My DM was very close to a work colleague who was single, and they often met up outside work for dinner, etc, and I am almost sure this was more than platonic and that my DF knew. They still meet up! I would say I am 99.9% sure, but just don't have the courage to ask. I feel I should though, as one day it will be too late to ask, and then I'll never know.. I think in your case it depends what your relationship is with your parents. I think asking my DM would have caused tension and I wouldn't want to hurt my dad, as I think they stayed together for my sake...

ParkEndStreet · 16/07/2020 21:19

Oh Op. I've been there. And it's heartbreaking...if you come from a close-knit family it's devastating. I was late teens when I saw a similar message on my dad's phone. I didn't know what my mum knew, or suspected (if anything). A long story but it all came out in the wash a few years later and turns out my mum had suspected it for years.

They worked it through - after a lot of heartache - but it has negatively affected my relationship with my dad for the long term. We still get on on a day to day level but on a deeper level we'll never be the same.

It's not as easy as other PPs are saying..."none of your business" etc. It's not as easy as that...and it fucks you up bearing the guilt of that secret.

Tapio · 16/07/2020 21:24

I’d ask my mum and leave it to her. I’d worry my dad would never forgive me if I knew all along.

MrsNoah2020 · 16/07/2020 21:29

Stay out of it. If you talk to your DM, she'll either deny it and be furious, or she'll admit it. If she admits it, what's your next move? You either have to collude with her in deceiving your DF, or tell him. Do not assume that he would want to know. He may well have suspicions but be hoping the affair (if there really is one) blows over. If you force him to confront it, you may force him into breaking up a marriage that would have survived a brief infidelity if he'd been allowed to turn a blind eye.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 16/07/2020 21:32

My cousin, also an adult at the time, found out that his dad was having an affair, so he felt duty bound to tell his mother (my aunt) who immediately forgave her DH.

Unfortunately his dad wanted to be with the other woman, and it got really really nasty with family members taking sides, and my cousin getting blamed for telling his mum Hmm.

This happened about 13 years ago and my cousin still doesn't speak to his father, or rather his dad doesn't speak to him despite lots of attempts for a reconciliation including from my aunt who desperately wanted her son to have a relationship with his dad.

I think you should stay out of it - you shouldn't be the catalyst for them possibly splitting up as it may force your mum's hand.

There is also the possibility that you dad already knows....

JinglingHellsBells · 16/07/2020 21:45

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship.

Exactly. Your father may be terrible to live with unknown to you. He may have had many affairs.

But I do know D doesn’t deserve it

No one 'deserves it' but as above it could be payback time.

would be devastated

You think- you don't know.

and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout

Again, an assumption. If she is having an affair I am sure she has thought of all possible scenarios

Their lives are very much intertwined, all same friends, close knit family, two dogs they adore (brothers, could never be separated), lots of future plans together

Well, yes, that's what most marriages are like.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/07/2020 21:46

Was it just that she deleted a text thread that makes you suspicious or did you actually see a message that seemed suspicious?

Just deleting a text thread in and of itself isn't 'suspicious'. I have a friend I text and we routinely delete our text threads because we often discuss thing one or the other of us wouldn't want others to see.

NormalLifePlease · 16/07/2020 21:52

I discovered my mum’s affair when I was 12. She told me to keep quiet or my dad would leave and I’d go into care as she couldn’t afford to look after me.

When I was 15 she messed up and completely gave the game away (e.g. I’m off to have dinner with Sally, only for Sally to call the house phone for a chat). My dad didn’t care, it turned out he knew all along.

I hate my parents for it, I don’t think they realise what they put me through. The affair is still going and they still pretend they are happily married to me, just bizarre.

Anothernick · 16/07/2020 21:53

Stay out of it. I was Ina similar position to you 40+ years ago when I was about 15. I overheard my DF on the phone to someone who he was obviously close to and from their conversation I could tell that he had stayed with her when he was away - he worked away during the week. My initial reaction was to confront my parents in the hope that this would resolve things in their obviously unhappy relationship. I even wrote a letter which I intended to give them.

But then I hesitated. I tore up the letter and never spoke of it to anyone. Even now, long after my parents have died, I have not told my siblings of my suspicions. Why? Because I realised that my mother probably knew and had turned a blind eye for her own reasons. Had I raised it she would have been forced to confront the issue, it would have affected my relationship with one or both of them and in any case I could not be completely certain, at that time a phone call could not be traced and I had no other evidence. And in the end they remained married for the rest of their lives.

So keep out of it, as others have said you cannot know everything about someone else's relationship. People are too quick to leap on to the moral high ground these days, life is complicated and it almost always better to leave others to learn from their own mistakes.

TheStuffedPenguin · 16/07/2020 22:01

It really is none of your business. You have no idea what goes on in their relationship and they certainly don't need one of their children to explain the pros and cons of affairs .

okiedokieme · 16/07/2020 22:08

Keep out. They could have an open relationship for instance, you don't discus this with your kids! Mine are only a little younger than you and they only know part of the reason I'm split from their father. Staying together for the kids is common, then you think why bother with the hassle of divorce... (actually I am divorcing but I considered open marriage)

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