Suspect parent having affair

[hepatocyte]

Adult child here, should be in my 5th year of uni but pandemic, so I’m staying with my parents

Suspect M of cheating.

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. But I do know D doesn’t deserve it, would be devastated and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout. Their lives are very much intertwined, all same friends, close knit family, two dogs they adore (brothers, could never be separated), lots of future plans together.

I’m struggling to act normally. I should just keep out of it right?

www.nhs.uk/news/older-people/middle-aged-sex-risks-qa/#:~:text=The%20Health%20Protection%20Agency%20reports,most%20age%20groups%20since%201998.

www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/sexually-transmitted-disease-at-my-age

No. Sadly I'm not joking.

I've deleted message threads to free up space on my phone or sometimes I've discussed something private I wouldn't want someone to see (for example when having some relationship difficulties and discussing with a friend). I've also deleted threads about surprise parties etc! Unless you've seen a message saying something suspicious I think there could be a lot of reasons for a deleted thread. Perhaps you could say you saw she'd deleted it and you wondered if everything was okay.

Completely keep your beak out. My DC are at unversity, and whatever I do is nothing at all to do with them.

I’d ask your M, but about the deleted message.
Fair enough for others to point out, if she is having an affair, that it might be payback, or your dad is secretly a horrible husband. Your relationship with him is obviously not going to be the same as your mum’s; you just want the best for him, and might prefer he knew if something was going on. I don’t think “awful” people always deserve to have the right to make an informed choice taken away from them, anyway.
It’s an awkward position to be in, though, regardless of what happens.

I see many pps saying "keep out, it's none of your business" and I agree, but... maybe OP doesn't want dad to get hurt, or mom... it's such a tough one OP... for all you know (without knowing what you saw), it could be a message that's an above board arrangement between your folks? Their sex life is private - you never know, maybe your dad has suggested it? Maybe not. Maybe your mom isn't up to no good? Maybe she is.

No wonder so many people cheat. Everyone is so passive about it! I despise cheating and would call anyone out on it, especially my own family.

I would stay out of it as it’s your parents marriage, you don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship.
A number of years ago a friend found out her father was having an affair, turned out there was no affair her parents had an open marriage And had done for years. The parents were quite upset at being pushed in to a discussion about their sex lives. It changed their relationship and she never saw them in the same way again, her parents were displeased at the idea they needed to justify their choices to her.

YANBU. Talk to your mum or it will be on your mind until the end of time.

@FaceOfASpink No need for your links. I wasn't taking issue about the risk. I was taking issue about middle aged women not knowing that! As a 50-60 yr old myself I'd be insulted if a 22 yr old thought I didn't know about STIs.

The OP has disappeared.

What no one is saying ( well, almost no one) is that asking the question does not guarantee an honest answer!

It's quite obvious her Mum could lie, or say it's nothing to do with her, whatever the truth is.

OP you've got to think this one through a bit more.

Suppose she is and admits it to you.
What next?

Tell your dad?

Take sides?

Break up their marriage when it might have fizzled out?

Absolutely don't get involved! Adult child here whose parents got divorced when I was 21.
Whatever the situation is you are not going to help it whatever you do

@ToBBQorNotToBBQ

YANBU. Talk to your mum or it will be on your mind until the end of time.

Whereas, if your mum cops to having an affair, all will be well and you can just forget it?

It's a lot easier to forget a vague suspicion, than to have that suspicion confirmed and potentially be the catalyst for breaking up your parents' marriage.

As a 50 - 60 year old myself, I wish my XH had given more of a thought to STIs. Not everyone is as 'on it' as you - sadly.

I wish my XH had given more of a thought to STIs. Not everyone is as 'on it' as you - sadly

Sorry to hear that for your sake.

well, he and whoever he was with must be pretty dim because there has been huge media coverage for many years telling women that just because they can't get pregnant now, they can still catch on STI.

I find it depressing how many people have said ignore it. Cheating is shitty behaviour and should be called out. Maybe if it were, there would be less of it going on. People are quicker to condemn smokers or overweight people than they are cheats!

I had no idea my exH and partner of 20 years was cheating, so saying that your dad probably knows and is turning a blind eye is ridiculous.

I was utterly devastated when I found out, it would have been so much worse if someone close to me had known and not said anything. I would never have forgiven them.

I agree with you @Notadramallama. It actually makes me quite sad that so many things these days are considered a ‘beak out’ situation.

@Notadramallama

I find it depressing how many people have said ignore it. Cheating is shitty behaviour and should be called out. Maybe if it were, there would be less of it going on. People are quicker to condemn smokers or overweight people than they are cheats!

I had no idea my exH and partner of 20 years was cheating, so saying that your dad probably knows and is turning a blind eye is ridiculous.

I was utterly devastated when I found out, it would have been so much worse if someone close to me had known and not said anything. I would never have forgiven them.

Two things. Firstly you are not the OP's parents, so what you knew and how you reacted is not a guide to what they know or will do. Nor is it ridiculous to suggest the OP's DF may suspect. He may - lots of people do in his situation. Just because you didn't doesn't make it ridiculous.

Secondly, I haven't seen anyone defend cheating. I have seen lots of people warn the OP that she may make things worse for herself by confronting her mother, which she may. It's not her job to police her parents' marriage.

Say nothing Op.

@MrsNoah2020.

None of us are the op's parents so all we can offer are our opinions, which is what they've asked for.

Secondly, I haven't said that anyone has defended cheating, but most are willing to turn a blind eye, which I feel is sad. I wouldn't keep my nose out if someone I loved was being treated badly in any other way, so why is it acceptable to ignore cheating?

I also think that saying the other party probably knows is a way to justify not getting involved. There's an awful lot of us out there who were in very long term relationships that had no idea.