Suspect parent having affair

[hepatocyte]

Adult child here, should be in my 5th year of uni but pandemic, so I’m staying with my parents

Suspect M of cheating.

Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship. But I do know D doesn’t deserve it, would be devastated and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout. Their lives are very much intertwined, all same friends, close knit family, two dogs they adore (brothers, could never be separated), lots of future plans together.

I’m struggling to act normally. I should just keep out of it right?

I'd try to forget it, I know that's tough, but you don't want to be involved!

It's none of your business to be honest.

I think at the end of the day you don’t actually know anything. And only you know the people involved well enough to judge the right approach.

You either accept that you don’t know and push it to one side, keep an eye out for ‘evidence’, or talk to your mum.

But just to reiterate, you don’t know anything and it is just a gut feeling with deleted texts at the mo. It’s not actual proof so it might not be what you think it is.

I feel for you. When I was 16 I discovered my M was having an affair. I hid it from my D for 5 years until he found out on his own. I resented my M for a long time. There's no right or wrong answer here - it's whatever you feel most comfortable with. I still don't know what I'd do if I had the time again but I do regret keeping such a big secret from my D. And he was devastated that my M put me in that position.

I would confront and expect my kids to confront me. But we're shouty and very blunt (somewhat J Springer.)

DHs dad cheated. He did not get involved. Family more restrained with each other.

I don’t think there’s any way this ends well for you. You’re in a lose lose position. I’m sorry

Argh, what a horrid situation. You don't know anything for sure yet, you could be completely wrong so don't think the worst just yet. Could you give an idea as to what was said in the text? Eg, was it definitely sexual/inappropriate or is she secretly planning a surprise for your dad's birthday which would explain the deleted messages? You could try to take a note of the number and type it into WhatsApp to see who it is, incase she's saved it under 'Beryl' or something. If it's really, really bothering you I think you just need to speak to your mum about it. Not your dad yet, if ever, but definitely your mum. She can't be that upset at the prospect of splitting up with your dad if she is having an affair.

But I do know D doesn’t deserve it, would be devastated and M would be devastated by the inevitable fallout. But you don't know that, you only know what you see, and that is not the whole of the relationship.

I hope this is not a dreaded 'reverse' where you are the parent and you think your daughter found out! So many weird threads going around tonight.

I have several friends who knew one or other parent was having an affair, either at the time or afterwards.

In most cases the other parent knew too.
And in some cases both parents were having affairs or had done.

I think you ought to keep out of it because often there is more to this than meets the eye. For your mum, it might be payback time if your dad has had affairs. Or she may be on the verge of leaving. Who knows.

If it were me, in all honesty, I would do nothing.

I think you should speak to your mum.

When I was about 12/13, my dad had just come back from a work trip and had left his wash bag in the bathroom. He had gone in to unpack it, the phone rang and he went to answer it. I popped to the toilet and saw his wash bag on its side with some condoms falling out of it. I wasnt stupid, I knew what they were and what he must have been doing with them. I was 12; I didnt say anything to either my mum or dad. A couple of years later, they had an almighty falling out and the dining table was put in the garage and my mum put a single bed in the dining room and slept in there for months. They wouldn't tell us anything about what was going on but I just knew it must have been his affair and it must have gone on for years or been multiple women.
I felt such guilt at saying nothing. They got past it, went back to sharing a room etc. Still together now. But 18 years later and I still feel like I should have said something. I hate it.

Talk to your mum.

Without the message rough content we’re going to find it hard to advise. We often have a lot of assumptions about our parents. So unless it said “Gordon I can’t wait to peg you tonight - so delightful my husband knows nothing of our passionate affair.” Then there is a lot of room for error.

Beak out. Your parents don’t owe it to you to remain faithful. They made vows to each other, not you. You are not a party to their marriage, you are a visitor in their relationship. You’ve got no idea about their dynamic, their romantic history or their sex life.

I can’t believe the amount of people who wouldn’t say anything! I must be very forward because I’d be furious and would have confronted M straight away!

I had a similar thing happen to me, in the end I told my dad- it was a messy divorce and my mother no longer speaks to me. I don’t regret it though, my dad deserved to be treated better and deserved a chance at true happiness which he obviously wasn’t getting with my mother.

Mind you, it’s an awful predicament to be in and I wouldn’t blame anyone for keeping out of it

All we know is that OP has a "feeling" and that her DM has deleted a conversation. We don't even know what the message actually said.

I too would have to confront this. Does not have to be big showdown. Just mention you saw the message and it got you worried and see how she responds.

meant to say that we bring our kids up to understand right from wrong and so they get to call us out on any hypocrisy

@BobbieDraper My DH used to have condoms in his washbag as we used them now and then and it was the same washbag he would use for work trips. So not sure you should have jumped to conclusions!

OP If you were still living away at uni, you would not have read your mum's phone.

Carry on as if you were at uni and leave well alone.

If it is anything to concern you, one of them might tell you in good time.

Your parents are adults and entitled to privacy in their lives.

Just because they gave birth to you doesn't mean you have the right to know who they are sleeping with or what their plans are for the future.

@JinglingHellsBells

Mum had a hysterectomy after I was born due to complications. They didnt use condoms; at that point, they hadn't used them for 12/13 years.

I don't understand the pov of "your dad must know about it, people in long term relationships always know". No, they fucking don't.

exh dropped a bombshell after 30 years of marriage. I was gutted to find out that all out "friends" knew, had for months. I would have been devastated if any of my kids also knew and couldn't be arsed to tell me. I would hope they would have challenged exh and if he refused to tell me, then I would expect them to tell me themselves.

Why would a cheat expect privacy or loyalty?

Another vote for keep out of it here. I think it would possibly be different if you knew for sure but if you confront your mum and it’s true you then need to decide whether to tell your dad and if it’s not then it could impact your relationship with her. Above all, it’s not your business. As pp have said above, every relationship is complex and rarely anything comes from involving yourself in other peoples

It's none of your business. They're adults. You're not their mum. Nothing you could do could make anything better.

Why would a cheat expect privacy or loyalty

Equally, why would a parent expect a child to take sides when they aren't in the marriage and don't know what's gone on?