To want to totally end our friendship after this comment

[Autumn0592]

Name changed for this post. My toddler DS's paternal grandfather passed away in hospital a couple of weeks ago after committing suicide. I am not with DS's father and didn't know his grandfather overly well, but had a pleasant relationship and am obviously still devastated at the situation. I have a friend who is quite blunt and self centred and to be honest, has been really pissing me off lately. I informed her off DS's grandad's passing this morning and she said nothing apart from "I was going to ask how he was but thought it was best not to. Has he left anything for (DS) to secure his future?" AIBU to think this is a totally fucking inappropriate thing to say? Not even a sorry to hear that!

Should probably add just to clear up any confusion, he was in hospital for a couple of weeks before he died.

Some people are awkward around death. It’s not a loss of someone close to you so I don’t think not saying she’s sorry is bad.

You obviously don’t like her so end the relationship if she doesn’t add anything to your life. But I don’t think her comment justifies your rage.

I’m so sorry

What an awful comment! It’s no excuse but I imagine she’s got no idea how blunt and short sighted that sounded.

If it was cowardly me, I’d just ignore that comment and not respond.

I suppose a lot on here would say “did you mean to be so rude?”

Bottom line, if it was a one off I’d forgive and forget but if it’s a recurring problem the other I’d probably accept she’s not the kind of person I want as a friend and I’d move on.

Why are you devastated?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why are you devastated?

Because my ex who is still a close friend is hurting after his father killed himself? Because my son who enjoyed spending time with his grandad will now never see him again? Because a human being felt there was no other option than to take his own life? Bizarre comment.

But you say you hardly knew him so why would she think you would be devastated?

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why are you devastated?

Yes, why?

Read above. It was actually more the reference to money that I was shocked about.

It's always always a shock when you hear someone you knew and met passed.
Then the circumstances, you can feel even more emotions.

Why would she not be devastated?
It's a tragic circumstance.

Hug OP. And don't end the friendship, it was an insensitive comment but you're hurting at the moment.

She just sounds like a nosey parker.

Don't forget this is Mumsnet OP full of trolls.
I understand why you would feel devastated.

OP says she didn't know him overly well but had a pleasant relationship- not that she didn't know him at all. He was obviously in her child's life. And someone taking their own life who you know is obviously a shock. Jesus, some people think they're the emotion police.

Ok, very sorry for using the word "devastated" that my child's grandfather/ex partner and still close friend's father has killed himself. I should of totally used a more MN appropriate word

I’m also surprised you are devastated. Shocked and saddened would be fair enough.

If you don’t want to continue the friendship then don’t; considering this is someone you admit you didn’t know overly well, your friend probably didn’t realise you were expecting sympathy and tact.

Erm...her child’s grandfather has died by taking their own life! That’s a significant disruption and upset within her child and her child’s fathers life...why would she not feel devastated in those circumstances? For her child, for her ex, for the circumstances? We’ve had a recent bereavement due to a relative taking their own life, we are all devastated that the youngest member of the family will never know their grandparent and will one day understand that they took their own life. It’s not abnormal for the OP to be upset ffs!

Fucking hell, why CAN'T she feel devastated at the death of someone who means so much to someone she was once close enough to to have a child with, and whose death leaves her child without a grandfather? Some of you have no empathy.

The peole asking why are you devastated are reacting quite strangely imo, I would be devastated if my child's GP committed suicide in part because it will be hard to explain to my child. Suicide of strangers can be quite devastating, because suicide is incredibly, incredibly sad.

I dont think you should be so upset about what your friend said. It is difficult to always say the right thing to people. Tell your friend how you are feeling, maybe she doesnt know.

You can be friends or not friends with anyone you want. You don't need our permission. You say your dislike of her has been growing prior to this so there's obviously a back story.

As a small side point, though, people do sometimes say silly things about death. It scares and unsettles us.

I'm sorry that it happened.

Her comment seems odd but some people are socially awkward and don't know when it's best to say nothing. It isn't a self centred comment as it makes no difference to her if your sprog gets money or doesn't. I'm surprised she cares either way. I wasnt devastated when my grandfather died. He was old and had been ill for a while. I loved him and it was sad. I would be devastated if my son died. Maybe my bar for devastation is higher than that of others plus I regard dying when you are old as just part of life but do work with dying people so have maybe become desensitised to death

I honestly don’t think it was as bad as all that, personally.

I don’t think she would have seen it as appropriate to say ‘sorry for your loss’ to someone who isn’t family. A simple polite ‘i hope his family are ok’ is more than enough and what I would have said myself, but she may not have seen that necessary either. I think you’re looking too much into it personally.

OP, I'm sorry for the situation you and your DS are in. The last thing you need is a MN pile on about a particular word you used in your post.

I think your friend is being incredibly insensitive and her text was inappropriate. Only you will know what she is really like but I suspect you're having doubts about her anyway.

Some people are just thoughtless when it comes to bereavement and find it hard to empathise with others.