To want to totally end our friendship after this comment

[Autumn0592]

Name changed for this post. My toddler DS's paternal grandfather passed away in hospital a couple of weeks ago after committing suicide. I am not with DS's father and didn't know his grandfather overly well, but had a pleasant relationship and am obviously still devastated at the situation. I have a friend who is quite blunt and self centred and to be honest, has been really pissing me off lately. I informed her off DS's grandad's passing this morning and she said nothing apart from "I was going to ask how he was but thought it was best not to. Has he left anything for (DS) to secure his future?" AIBU to think this is a totally fucking inappropriate thing to say? Not even a sorry to hear that!

Goodness that was a crass comment. YANBU

Some people are awkward and gauche OP. I wouldn’t take it to heart.

I hope you’re ok.

I'd just see it as a bit insensitive; there's no way I'd lose a friend over it. I do, however, like my friends.

What are her other reasons for pissing you off OP?
Personally I feel that people are often uncomfortable around death, particularly about suicide and often say the 'wrong thing' unwittingly.
Some people also feel that it is wrong to take one's own life and find it impossible to empathise (I don't feel this but have heard other people refer to it).
I would not drop a friend I liked over this. If you don't like her anyway, just stop or dial down contact.

I also think your emotions are getting the better of you here op. The comment was at worst insensitive but not friendship ending. I’d really try to take a step back and understand why this is effecting you so badly and you’re lashing out as you are.

Upset and distressed is a natural reaction but yours is extreme to say the least. To the extent you even want to end a friendship over nothing more than a poorly timed comment.

It was crass to ask about money when the poor man probably hasn't even been buried yet. But it's not enough to end a friendship. However it sounds like her blunt manner has been bothering you for awhile and this comment is probably the last straw.

Maybe this friendship has run its course. And that's ok.

As for the people questioning why you are devastated, I think people would understand you feeling shocked, sad, upset. But saying you are personally devastated does sound a bit disingenuice for a man you barely knew. To me devastated means totally heartbroken, struggle to get out of bed, cant eat..etc

I cannot believe someone reported my comment, and worse it was deleted.

It’s been quoted on the thread so people can see for themselves I didn’t say anything worthy of deletion.

I read the quoted post and the problem was your insensitive question to the OP Captain.

It was worthy of deletion and I’m glad it was deleted. It can’t just have been one person that reported it.

I’m so sorry OP suicide of a child’s grandparent is never easy. I don’t think you’ve reacted badly or over-dramatically. You’ve every right to feel how you feel and I can see why you felt your friend’s comment was tactless and insensitive.

A woman I never met committed suicide 6 months ago leaving behind two small children. I was not devastated but sad upon hearing of her death and still think about her sometimes now.
I think suicide is different to a natural death and our reactions are also different. Partly because if someone dies from a physical illness the presumption is everything possible was done. With mental illness everything possible is rarely done, partly because provision is poor and partly because we just don't have the medical knowledge.
So another layer of emotion gets added.
I am sorry for your loss OP and if you need to reach out to support services for those bereaved by suicide do so. You may need the tools to explain this to your son in the years to come.
As far as your friend goes, if she was normally a wonderful friend you would have already decided to let this go.

@AwkwardMoment2020 I hardly think it’s any worse than comments that are still on the thread. Do you really think asking OP to consider if she’s being a bit dramatic is worse than what other posters have said?

I don't know, someone you didn't know well died - ok sad. Someone who didn't know him at all asked if he'd passed anything to do, as is a cultural tradition in our society. I don't get the big whoop tbh. I think you're looking for something to project your feelings onto.

[quote OhCaptain]@AwkwardMoment2020 I hardly think it’s any worse than comments that are still on the thread. Do you really think asking OP to consider if she’s being a bit dramatic is worse than what other posters have said?[/quote]
I think your comment is nothing compared to some that I've seen on others threads.

That the thing with little moderation, if no one reports it MNHQ have no reason to look at it.

Do you really think asking OP to consider if she’s being a bit dramatic is worse than what other posters have said?

But you said are you prone to dramatics which is a bit cattier.

@OhCaptain that’s a nice rephrasing of what you actually said there.

Yes there are some other comments which were cruel too. Obviously at least one other comment has been deleted. But your post was nasty and deserved to be deleted.

It’s not dramatic to be gutted that your child’s grandfather shot himself.

I can see why it affects you. I can see why your friend might think you wouldn’t be that bothered by it.

One comment that’s a bit tactless isn’t a good reason to shut down a friendship and I think you might be projecting some of your anger at the death onto your friend.

Give it some time. Get some space from her for a while and see how you feel about the whole relationship in a few months.

Many people don't know how to respond to deaths. It might have felt less tragic to your friend as it was a grandparent that you didn't even know very well at all. I don't think you should end it over 1 comment.

I think its really insensitive to segue immediately into talking about inheritance when you learn someone has died, suicide or otherwise...

Those people saying some people are awkward around death; really?

Surely its the most basic manners to know that if someone dies you express your condolences. You don't start talking about money. You'd have to have significant mental or emotional shortcomings to fail to understand that.

I understand why you feel like this OP. Regardless of how I felt about the person concerned I would just think its bloody rude.

Sorry for your family’s loss OP. Sounds like you are pretty much over with being her friend, so perhaps this would be a good time to drop her. No dramas, just a moving on.

Prone to dramatics and a bit dramatic don’t seem all that different to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And like I said, OP didn’t actually say that he’d shot himself in her OP. In fact, she said she didn’t know him all that well and didn’t sound all that attached to him...

And like I said, there’s worse comments than mine on the thread.

I think there’s a bit of vindictiveness in that particular reporting but what can you do?!

@OhCaptain

Why are you being so self centred on this thread?!

Instead of accepting your post was particularly unkind, which it was hence people reporting it, you seem to think it was some sort of personal vendetta against you.

Ironically, it’s you that is coming across now as “prone to dramatics”!

I don't see what your problem is with what she said. She was just making conversation... Not like she will actually care if your ds has been left anything in the will.

Rather tactless but not worth ending a friendship over surely?

@NameChange84 if you think I’m being self-centred, why are you mentioning me and continuing the conversation?

You think it’s dramatic. I don’t.

You think it was “particularly nasty”. I don’t.

You addressed me and inserted yourself into the discussion about my posts. You brought it up again instead of leaving it...

I thought your post was fine, Captain. Well within the usual range of MN responses, anyway.

Thanks @BitOfFun. I’m perplexed but I do know it’s not a big deal! Just musing, really.