To want to totally end our friendship after this comment

[Autumn0592]

Name changed for this post. My toddler DS's paternal grandfather passed away in hospital a couple of weeks ago after committing suicide. I am not with DS's father and didn't know his grandfather overly well, but had a pleasant relationship and am obviously still devastated at the situation. I have a friend who is quite blunt and self centred and to be honest, has been really pissing me off lately. I informed her off DS's grandad's passing this morning and she said nothing apart from "I was going to ask how he was but thought it was best not to. Has he left anything for (DS) to secure his future?" AIBU to think this is a totally fucking inappropriate thing to say? Not even a sorry to hear that!

I'm really suprised at some of the comments to be honest. Would you really not be upset if your child's GP committed suicide? He shot himself so it wasn't pleasant (he lived rurally and owned guns) and my son was mentioned in his suicide note. Am I really expected to have no emotion over that?

I think you're probably in shock and that's maybe why you're reacting like you are. She may not have said sorry since you've pointed out you didn't know him well so she's not seen it as a personal loss to you. I don't think there's really much wrong with what she said. Blunt maybe, but not bad.

I don’t think what she said was inappropriate. Some people are more practical than emotional.

Did he leave anything for your son? Sorry for your loss, you have every right to feel devastated but also she has every right to not be and instead ask a practical (if tactless) question.

@C5568425

Don't forget this is Mumsnet OP full of trolls. I understand why you would feel devastated.

Someone who has a different opinion to you isn't the definition of a troll you know, I also think being devastated in the situation is a slightly extreme . We're allowed to have opinions and ask questions on here, the op has posted in aibu, she's expecting a debate

Sorry op . I don’t think the friends comment Was something I’d fall out over but it was very insensitive

Baffled by those questioning the devastated part . You know you can be devastated for someone else IE the toddler who has lost a grandad the ex you are on good terms with who’s father just killed himself . Ya know , kind of easy to understand really

Jesus some people are insensitive.

The grandfather of her child, and father of someone who she presumably cared deeply about in the past if not now has died in a very upsetting manner. Whilst OP may have not known the person in question intimately, it is absolutely normal to be shocked and upset about this.

It was a crass comment from your friend, OP. I think thoughtless rather than malicious but it would leave a bad taste in my mouth, too. I don't think it's something to end the friendship over - it sounds like she just doesn't understand the impact it has had on you. Although it would make me question her values longer term.

It sounds as if he was fairly wealthy which explains that comment.

To put it another way, if everything has gone to your ex there is no guarantee of your DS getting anything, if your ex remarries.

I think if my grandfather had killed himself the worst thing would have been dealing with my mother's guilt and my mother trying to comfort her mother who would have felt guilty

I think previous posters are missing that this was a death of some one you knew and that your son knew and that it was by suicide.

Finding out that someone you know has died by suicide is far more difficult than finding out someone you know has passed away naturally.

OP, my condolences on the situation.

I think that's a disgraceful comment to make, to be fair. Some people only think about money.

However, it depends on how close you are to your friend. Could you maybe mention to her that the comment was wildly inappropriate? How do you feel about approaching it?

Do we police people's feelings now as well as their bloody thoughts??? Why are people so obsessed with how she felt?

@Autumn0592

I'm really suprised at some of the comments to be honest. Would you really not be upset if your child's GP committed suicide? He shot himself so it wasn't pleasant (he lived rurally and owned guns) and my son was mentioned in his suicide note. Am I really expected to have no emotion over that?

OP that is terrible - I said upthread that suicide is devastating.

I suggest you must be quite in shock. I think what your friend said was insensitive, rather rude and not ok. But all I would do is just give them a swerve for a month or so, as an argument won't help now - you need to look after yourself and your son.

Oh my God and I've only just read your update on the method. Fucking hell. OP I'm so sorry - how awful.

Some people are just not that nice WorkingGirl7 - don't take it to heart. I would also be devastated in your place - it's a horrible thing to have to deal with. Hugs

I would also be devastated for my kids in this situation op.

They would be missing out on that relationship, and it is sad.

In all honesty I dont think your friends comments are that bad though, a bit awkward maybe, but not terrible.

It's honestly like people can't understand others think and feel differently to them. The poor man didn't die because he was elderly and it was expected. He shot himself. Whether he left anything to his grandchild is nobody's business but the family's.

We're allowed to have opinions and ask questions on here, the op has posted in aibu, she's expecting a debate

She's not expecting a debate on how she's supposed to feel.

I find it very interesting that some comments are saying “why are you devastated?” and some are saying “why would you not be devastated?” The difference between empathetic people and those that are not....

And yet after Caroline Flack committed suicide MN was full of empathetic comments about a celebrity they didn't know!
I empathise OP both my ds and dd have had friends commit suicide and I was terribly upset for them whilst never having met the friends.

Be careful OP that you don't out yourself

It’s her way of saying she doesn’t know how to talk about it. People get really awkward around suicide. I wouldn’t lose the friendship but I wouldn’t go to her for any kind of emotional support in future.

Not sure how this thread turned into people questioning your emotional response. My husband’s friend’s son died by suicided and I was devastated. Never even met the boy. Let alone a family member, even if not blood related.

I think some people are taking OP being devastated over her friends comment rather than the suicide?

Someone who has a different opinion to you isn't the definition of a troll you know, I also think being devastated in the situation is a slightly extreme . We're allowed to have opinions and ask questions on here, the op has posted in aibu, she's expecting a debate
What a load of crap. The AIBU isn't about how the OP feels about the death, and to pick out that one word in a whole post and criticise her for it is a bit trollish imo. Nothing to do with a difference of opinion, it's just unhelpful and frankly rude.

I'm sorry you've had such terrible news OP, and that your friend hasn't offered the support you might have expected.
I know I never really know what to say when someone dies, but I would never be that crass, and if I did blurt something insensitive out I would apologise straight away.
From the sounds of it though, your friendship has run its course anyway and this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back?

Given how devastated posters have said they have been when posters, their children or partners have died, who they never knew, I think it is a bit rich to raise your eyes at *@Autumn0592 feeling devastated at her son's grandad dying.