To want to totally end our friendship after this comment

[Autumn0592]

Name changed for this post. My toddler DS's paternal grandfather passed away in hospital a couple of weeks ago after committing suicide. I am not with DS's father and didn't know his grandfather overly well, but had a pleasant relationship and am obviously still devastated at the situation. I have a friend who is quite blunt and self centred and to be honest, has been really pissing me off lately. I informed her off DS's grandad's passing this morning and she said nothing apart from "I was going to ask how he was but thought it was best not to. Has he left anything for (DS) to secure his future?" AIBU to think this is a totally fucking inappropriate thing to say? Not even a sorry to hear that!

Fuck sake what is it with the policing of language?!

OP I’d be upset too, but personally I wouldn’t drop a friend for that comment. Not unless it was the last in a long line of insensitive comments.

You sound like a drama queen to be quite honest. It was a completely innocuous comment made in passing.

OP - Fred has died
Friend - has he left any money?

In what world is that not crass?

Anyone who can’t see why the OP would be upset that her friend made such a glob comment about the death by suicide of her Son’s grandad needs to give their head a wobble.

Your friend sounds a bit of a dick.... BUT I will say this is the kind of boneheaded comment I may have made in the past before I grew up a bit.

If you have the kind of relationship that you think could withstand you telling her how she’s made you upset, say so. It may also bring the other annoying behaviours you mention she’s got atm into check.

*glib even

Heaven knows what a glob comment is

@OhCaptain

In fairness, you didn’t mention the method or the fact that your son was mentioned in your op.

You said you didn’t know him. And her comment wasn’t all that bad. I wouldn’t say she was being insensitive. If she’d said it to your ex then that’d be different.

Are you a bit prone to dramatics?
My sister is a bit like that - makes everything about her. Not maliciously, she just can’t help it!

The fact the son was mentioned in the suicide note is completely irrelevant to the theme of this OP.

I was devastated when a friend’s dh took his own life and I didn’t know him as well as I know her. It’s absolutely understandable for the op to feel devastated by this.

Some posters have no empathy at all.

On a forum where we can only communicate through the written word I find the idea that words don’t matter and people aren’t allowed to use the words a poster uses to interpret their meaning pretty bizarre.

OP, you’re clearly very upset. If you want to ditch your friend and think it’ll make you feel better then go for it.

Your friend was clumsy but people are clumsy around death, suicide makes it even more tricky. You can’t fall back on the usual “at least he had a good life” platitudes with a suicide so people do struggle to know what to say.
Unless your friend is a monumental PITA in other ways I would be careful that she is not becoming a focus for your grief and anger at his death.

The fact the son was mentioned in the suicide note is completely irrelevant to the theme of this OP.

I disagree actually. That adds a layer to it, IMHO.

I’m just saying if a friend said to me “oh, ex’s dad died” I’d make a passing comment about that’s sad. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be crass enough to mention money off the bat but I wouldn’t think it would be something that would affect OP.

However, if she said “ex’s dad shot himself and left a note about DS” I’d be more invested, and would understand why she was more invested.

His son was mentioned. Not money left to his son. No mention of money at all.

Good gracious. Some of the comments on this thread are despicable. I know it’s a tough crowd on here sometimes but people could at least show a smidgen of tact and empathy...I’m sorry @Autumn0592, I hope you have some good real life support around you .

Well this thread proves that there are plenty more than just your friend who have the empathy of a rhinoceros.

If you've had doubts about them in the past I'd just slowly let go of the friendship.

Jeez some of you are unfeeling. I heard a few weeks ago that someone I'd dated a couple of times over 20 years ago, and only seen a handful of times since, took his own life. I wasn't devastated as such but it really upset me, I cried a lot that day, mainly for the fact that someone I knew had so much pain in his life that was his only option, and thinking of how his wife and child would feel. I'd be bloody devastated if my ex's dad had done it and we've not been together for years.

OP it was crass of your friend I agree and it would have upset me too. However a lot of people are very awkward about death particularly when the circumstances are traumatic, she may be kicking herself for saying it, only you know really what she's like normally and whether it's worth ending your friendship over. Given you say she is blunt and self centred it may be time for you to part ways with her anyway.

I’ve had both a parent and an aunt die from suicide and I would have been a little surprised if my ex was devastated by it, if he had an amicable but not close relationship with them.

Doesn’t make it wrong, but I would have found it a bit surprising.

But I probably do have the empathy of a rhinoceros ; chronic / serial adversity can make you a bit unfeeling, as you have to find a way to cope somehow.

Not the point of the thread, but I understand your devastation. For your child, your child’s father, and the feeling of someone you knew being in such a place that they felt they needed to take their their own life in such a terrible way.
Ignore those who are telling how you should feel. Devastated is a totally valid feeling.
Im very sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately people are awkward around death (some comments on this thread prove this tbh)

A not fine moment for me is 2 weeks into dating DH I was asked by a relative to tell him his grandmother had died! I have an awful habit of awkward laughing - you can tell where this is going. I laughed through telling him his grandmother passed away as I'm an awkward turd. Try not to hold this against your friend unless you really can't get past it

chronic / serial adversity can make you a bit unfeeling, as you have to find a way to cope somehow

This.

Someone earlier mentioned the split of posters being surprised at the ops devastation vs thinking it’s completely expected is due to having empathy/no empathy.

I think it’s nothing to do with that. I think the split is more likely to be those that have experienced loss vs those that haven’t.

It’s not a competition of course. But personally I’d also be more than a little surprised at someone still being ‘devastated’ 2 weeks after the death of an ex’s relative that you hardly knew.

If a friend told me I’d probably comment ‘that’s sad’ but I wouldn’t even think to offer sympathy as such, any more than if they’d told me it was Mary from the next street. It’s such a distant relationship, ex’s grandparent, i think in RL there are probably many who wouldn’t consider ‘sympathy’ as needed.

Well I’m one of the shocked ones re the lack of empathy and I’ve had lots of adverse experiences, abuse and loss which continues to massively impact from day to day. It doesn’t make you an unfeeling twat towards others!

It takes zero effort or special thought or consideration to say;

“I’m sorry to hear that. Thinking of your DS x”

No one is looking for a massive speech or fake sentiments or words. Just tact and not, as in OP’s “friends” case “oooooh what about the money” or in the case of people on here “are you prone to dramatics?” “Stop being a drama queen” which there is frankly no excuse for.

@OhCaptain

The fact the son was mentioned in the suicide note is completely irrelevant to the theme of this OP.

I disagree actually. That adds a layer to it, IMHO.

I’m just saying if a friend said to me “oh, ex’s dad died” I’d make a passing comment about that’s sad. I’d like to think I wouldn’t be crass enough to mention money off the bat but I wouldn’t think it would be something that would affect OP.

However, if she said “ex’s dad shot himself and left a note about DS” I’d be more invested, and would understand why she was more invested.

I think the OP has just cause to be devastated even if her son wasn't mentioned, which is what I meant.

I think she may have wrongly assumed that you weren’t as close as you are to your ex FIL and your ex. She maybe assumed there was some animosity there and you wouldn’t be feeling personally upset. I think a lot of people don’t know how to talk about death in a sensitive and non-awkward way so yabu

Her comment was crass / insensitive, but that’s not sufficient reason to end the friendship IMO.

just drop this friend.
you don't need any more unpleasantness.
if something someone gives you cold pricklies, then walk away.
no need to analyse or justify.
you don't owe her anything.
some people on here are of her ilk, it sounds like.
maybe that is their tribe. it is not yours. leave it.
all the best to you and yr son, and his father.

It's likely the friend thought "Shit, I'd better say something. What do I say?" and the money question was what she came up with in that moment. Not good, but if she's normally a decent person, I'd put this down to a lapse in judgement and move on. Really, a lot of people fumble and say the wrong thing around other people's grief. It's not a social interaction we learn from childhood, like table manners or being a good guest - it's a situation we get faced with, often unexpectedly, in adulthood. Unless she has form for this, I hope you'll extend her some grace.

I think it’s more shocking than devastating if you don’t know the person well. My aunt lost her 21 year old daughter recently, she was devastated.

I remember getting my arse handed to me when I said I was ‘heartbroken’ on a thread years ago.