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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to consider shopping my friend for her benefit fraud?!

304 replies

NadiaBaggyTwat · 28/09/2007 22:01

My friend and I both work in local government. We are quite close and I have known her for years but she is incredibly bad with money and never makes any attempt to get herself back on track. Usually her mother bails her out and she just goes on spending. She is a good hearted person, but this is the one aspect of her that I find really hard to stand by and watch.

Close to Christmas, a group of us, including said friend and our DHs are going to France for the weekend. This was arranged months ago. It's costing £200 per couple and my DH and I are having a really really hard time financially at the moment (not from overspending but problems with DH's business) so we weren't going to go but friend owes me £150 from something I paid for on my card (because it was a surprise from her to her DP and which she's - obviously - never paid me back for ) and to my suprise she said "well you can come because remember, I owe you £150..."

So we agreed to go. Anyway the time came for this money to be paid and I gave her the £50 as agreed (for the rest of the £200 for her to pass on to another friend who was paying all the money in) and she said she needed at least £100.. she couldn't afford to pay our money (that she owes!) because she hadn't paid her mortgage for months. I gave it to her (the trip has to be paid for!) but really resented it as I only agreed to go because I knew we wouldn't have to find much of the money!

Meanwhile, at work she is constantly talking to everyone about her posh meals out with DP, her tanning/nails/waxing appointments. And next thing, she's whining to me about the terrible state of her finances. And she does really spend money like this.. she isn't just saying it to impress!

Worse still, despite is both working for a government agency she is actually defrauding them! For well over a year now, since she has been living with her new partner, she has been claiming as a single person (with children). This amounts to over £100 a week that she isn't entitled to!!

I have told her outright time and again she needs to stop spending money like water and on luxuries she can't afford and START declaring that she has a partner living with her and the children, but nothing changes and she says she just can't afford to declare that he lives there. (They even bought a HUGE posh new house on this basis!)

I am so upset about the whole money thing and having to listen to her day in and day out talking about what she's bought (she shops compulsively as well in v.expensive clothes shops) all the while owing me money I lent her in good faith to help her out (albeit for another extravagance.. a birthday present she couldn't afford to buy her DP)... that... (and this is really bad .. I want to report her.

But if I did she may even lose her job, bearing in mind where we work.. Not to mention her house. And I would probably feel terrible forever.

I am an extreme regular with a (very inappropriate; sorry!) name change to protect various identities.

What would others do? Please?

OP posts:
mamazon · 28/09/2007 22:47

i am really struggling financially. i am on benefits because i NEED them. i barely afford to pay my bills and get my children clothes let alone splash out on manicures and clothes for myself.

people like her cause men in suits to sit outside my house for days on end checking to see whther i have a partner living with me.

pass her details to someone in the know.

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/09/2007 22:47

Incidentally Peaches, you paying the plumber in cash isn't illegal. Him choosing not to declare his income because he finds it easier to hide cash receipts would be.

Caroline1852 · 28/09/2007 22:48

I believe in Karma.

paolosgirl · 28/09/2007 22:48

Peaches - re your speeding analogy. If someone was to continually speed into your street, what would you do? Perhaps have a word with them, and ask them to stop? If they continued, I bet you'd phone the police.

If you saw someone breaking into a house, you'd call the police straightaway without hesitating. This woman is also stealing - from me and from you. It might be under a different guise, but she's still a thief.

watling · 28/09/2007 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittleBella · 28/09/2007 22:49

Yes it's amazing how otherwise "law-abiding" people turn into frenzied, repeated law breakers when confronted with an inconvenient speed limit.

I think I'm a bit confused about her status as a friend.

I wouldn't dream of causing a real friend to go to prison, lose her job, possibly her house etc.

I'd do it to someone I didn't like though, if I thought they deserved it.

But breaking the law by itself wouldn't be enough for me to think they deserved it. They'd have to be really not nice people.

It sounds like your friend is really stretching your patience here - you wouldn't think of shopping her if you really felt unambiguous friendship. Se is obviously really pissing you off.

LittleBella · 28/09/2007 22:50

I'd report habitual speeders tbh.

They piss me off

fingerwoman · 28/09/2007 22:50

if she gets reported and ends up homeless that's HER OWN FAULT.

jeez. is no-one responsible for their own actions these days? She is well aware that she is breaking the law, and of the consequences. so if and when it happens then it serves her right.

haychee · 28/09/2007 22:52

well put littlebella

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/09/2007 22:53

Extract from wikipedia's definition of karma:

'The effects of all deeds actively create past, present and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life'

ie woman breaks law, woman gets caught, woman gets prosecuted.

Now that's karma.

paolosgirl · 28/09/2007 22:53

Exactly - the woman is a THIEF. Would you have any sympathy for her if she was breaking into houses, and selling on the stolen goods??????

Course you bloody wouldn't - you phone the Police, end of story.

edam · 28/09/2007 22:53

The difference between tax evasion and benefit fraud is that one group is much more likely to be caught and punished severely. And it ain't the rich and powerful.

The law is an arse. The government has made it perfectly legal for the very, very wealthy to avoid paying tax. That means there is no moral force to the laws on what you might call personal finance.

But strangely no-one gets worked up about the fat cats, just piles in to codemn the little guys.

LittleBella · 28/09/2007 22:53

I think some of us feel the punishment is disproportionate.

MaryBleedinPoppins · 28/09/2007 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paolosgirl · 28/09/2007 22:55

Do you mean tax evasion or tax avoidance? 2 completely different things.

law3 · 28/09/2007 22:56

i forgot to put my seat belt on the other day, i would be really pissed off if i mentioned it to a friend and she reported me.

fingerwoman · 28/09/2007 22:56

edam, there are a whole lot of very, very unfair things that go on in this world.

doesn't mean it's ok for everyone else to break the law though does it?
we live in a democracy, and we as a country chose our government. If we don't like it then we vote the other way. It's completely irrelevant.

fingerwoman · 28/09/2007 22:57

and I agree, the law IS an arse. it makes me mad.

law3 · 28/09/2007 22:57

good point mbp

haychee · 28/09/2007 22:58

Its not at all like she forgot to put her seatbelt on, she knows shes doing it and been doing it for a year!

Still dont think you should do it though. Just send her discrete warnings so she gets worried.

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/09/2007 22:58

No edam. I feel equally strongly about fat cats' tax 'planning', but if they aren't breaking any laws it is (frustratingly) harder to do anything about.

I would imagine though (and of course no-one can prove one way or the other) that if you take into account the huge volumes of people who commit 'smaller' frauds, versus the smaller number of people who 'save' larger amounts of tax, that it's people like NBT's 'friend' who are costing the country more.

watling · 28/09/2007 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paolosgirl · 28/09/2007 22:59

It is a good point, mbh. Personally, I couldn't be friends with a thief, so I'd have backed away from the friendship a long time ago.

Caroline1852 · 28/09/2007 23:01

I think being responsible for one's own life need not involve pointing HMRC in the direction of MsTaxEvader.

CantSleepWontSleep · 28/09/2007 23:01

MBP - I would have talked to her about it well before now if it were me in this position, and would make no secret of the fact that it was me being the honest citizen.