Invited to a hen weekend - not to the wedding.

[Pebblexox]

Hi all.
Posting on phone so sorry if format is funny.
Over the last year I reconnected with an old friend, she recently got engaged and has a wedding booked for next year. She's getting married abroad, so I assume a semi intimate so wasn't expecting an invite due to only recently becoming friends again.
I've been invited on her hen weekend which will cost me over £200 to attend, not including travel etc.
However I've been added into a group chat with all the people going on the hen and it seems I'm the only one not invited to the wedding. I had no problems with not being invited, however now they're all talking about what they'll be doing the night before the wedding I feel rather awkward and a bit meh about it, and I don't want to go and that be all they're discussing whilst I sit in the corner like a lone recluse.
Would I be being unreasonable not to attend the hen? Or am I just being silly?

Sounds weird, I wouldn't go if she can't be bothered to invite me to.the wedding!!

The underlying assumptions on this thread make no sense — that you typically shell out to go on a hen do as a sort of favour to the bride on the implicit understanding you’ll be ‘paid back’ by a wedding invitation, despite the fact that (unless the wedding is very local), an outfit, transport, accommodation and a wedding present are likely to cost as much again as the hen weekend.

A wedding invitation is another (very respectable) request for you to spend money, so I genuinely fail to see why it’s considered payback for attending the hen.

A wedding invitation is another (very respectable) request for you to spend money, so I genuinely fail to see why it’s considered payback for attending the hen

I don’t consider it payback, I just think it’s incredibly rude. Plus, I can’t imagine anything more awkward than having to repeat over and over “I’m not invited” when people naturally talk to me about the wedding which they will do on a hen do because the wedding will be the sole focus of the weekend. Also I’d rather spend 200 quid on something else.

Just to give you a laugh OP, I was invited (along with the group of girls in our sports team where we all met) to a bride’s bridal shower, so we all combined funds to buy her a really nice present, and then were v surprised when we weren’t invited to the actual wedding!

Btw I don’t think the bride meant it rudely not inviting you to the wedding, but you can definitely turn it down if you want.

Enjoy being invited and that an old friendship has been reigniated. Be honest with yourself : you'd probably me more pissed if you weren't invited to either.
And be realistic. You only just reconnected. I think it is rather great that she invited you and wanted you to be part of her special hens party.

So. Either suck it up until the hens night. Or just cancel and deny yourself some fun and feel sorry for yourself at home

@fairybird omg. I'm not surprised it destroyed the friendship group. Especially as it was a big wedding!

@Yeahnahmum I genuinely wouldn't have been upset to not be invited to either.
We hadn't spoken for 5 years before reconnecting, and weddings and hens are often private events for close friends and family so I would haven't expected invites to either.
I do think it's lovely she invited me, but as I stated I don't do well in awkward situations. And when people are constantly talking about the wedding, which will happen, I will feel awkward given I won't have anything to respond with haha. I also wouldn't want to make the other feel awkward with my replies of 'well I'm not invited to the wedding' cue awkward silence and awkward laughter.

Its a NO from me! If I'm not close enough to the bride to be invited to her wedding, why on earth am I close enough for her to expect me to spend hundreds on a hen weekend. Sounds like she only wants you there to make up the numbers.

Rude and very tacky.

I really would not go!

I think it is odd that she has invited you.

Too much money to feel uncomfortable for the whole time. Of course they will be talking non stop about the wedding, as that is why they are all there, and it will be dull and boring for you. Spend the money on doing something fun with your friends, and wish her well.

It's a no from me. Poor taste to ask you to the hen but not the wedding.

I would just politely decline and leave the WhatsApp group, (not giving the reason of not being invited to the wedding as that would sound like you're annoyed at not getting an invite) she'll figure out the reason.

By the way, I really DONT think it will be fun! At all. It will be awkward, or very awkward. You are not missing out on anything, and will have far more fun doing something else!

If you are keen to keep the friendship going, why not suggest a SD dinner one evening instead, and you can continue the reconnection, and chat about her wedding plans without the pressure of the hen element.
There are many ways you can celebrate her wedding without having to endure the hen!

@madbirdlady22 thanks! Yes I definitely want to keep the friendships, this isn't a good enough excuse for us to stop talking or anything.
I will definitely do something with her before, as I'm genuinely pleased and excited for her. The hen just seems an awkward time for me.

@Fairybird a three week stay in Vegas! Crikey!!

Don't feel bad about not going, I doubt she would expect you to. I would imagine she invited you to include you in some part of the wedding, it shows she really wants to continue the friendship with you. Say you can't make the hen, but would love to do something with her to celebrate another time.

I got married overseas and couldn't invite old friends or new ones! We enjoyed having dinner and chatting about it before and afterwards, and other friends did the same. It was completely fine.

Nope - happened to me, I politely declined/made an excuse. Stuff that.

Yanbu OP, I’d be morto and awkward in that scenario too. I’d decline and do exactly as you plan.

fairybird woooahh, three weeks in Vegas to the tune of 5K? Everyone involved in that was being unreasonable. The groom for having the expectation and the stags for actually going! Unless you are very wealthy indeed, who has the time or money to pour into something like that? I’d send my oldest, dearest friend packing with a proposal like that.
I am NOT surprised the group disintegrated after the no invite revelation.
Wtf could the guy possibly have had to say for himself?

Would be different if the hen had a few more people you knew to also reconnect with. But it doesn't and most people are not that gregarious to want to meet a ton of new people for an entire weekend with added awkwardness that not invited to wedding.
I'd may attend if it was local food and drinks in nearby town, but not a much bigger event.

Just say thanks for invite but I can't make it. Don't mention lack of wedding invite, that looks like you are begging to attend.
Mention to bride you won't be going but can you arrange lunch/night out soon.

Oh to have been a fly on the wall of the plane journey home from Vegas!

I don’t consider it payback, I just think it’s incredibly rude.

Which implies you do consider a wedding invitation something that pays you back for attending the hen, otherwise not inviting someone who attends your hen wouldn't be 'incredibly rude', surely?

I mean, the OP doesn't want to go, and I understand why in her circumstances, but I agree with a pp that it doesn't make any sense financially to think you're being 'rewarded' for going on the hen with a wedding invitation which will almost certainly cost just as much as a hen weekend once you've paid for accommodation, a dress, a present etc. 'Hey, thanks for coming on my £200 hen weekend! Here's an invitation to something that's going to cost you another £200!'

Which implies you do consider a wedding invitation something that pays you back for attending the hen, otherwise not inviting someone who attends your hen wouldn't be 'incredibly rude', surely

I think it’s rude to expect someone to spend what is an awful lot of money to some people on a hen weekend when it’s clear you don’t mean enough to them to be invited to their wedding. To me, it seems like she’s only doing it to make up the numbers (you get discounts usually). It’s not so much about “getting your money back” it’s that a hen night is a precursor to the actual wedding. The two are connected. Every single person on that hen weekend will be talking about the wedding- it will be the main topic of conversation! You’d have to be incredibly dense not to realise how awkward and embarrassing that will be for people who haven’t been invited- it’s not going to create a good atmosphere and it will put a huge dampener on the group dynamic. If people can’t see that then I really don’t know what to say- it’s blindingly obvious to me how awkward that will be. Other posters in this thread who have been in similar situations and have attended have also said it was very very awkward when the topic came up. It’s not nice.

A hen is celebrating an upcoming wedding (and becoming a bride) The hen and wedding are inextricably linked! You can’t have one without the other (without looking rude).

I think it’s rude to expect someone to spend what is an awful lot of money to some people on a hen weekend when it’s clear you don’t mean enough to them to be invited to their wedding. To me, it seems like she’s only doing it to make up the numbers (you get discounts usually).

Or is just pleased to have reconnected with an old friend and would like to invite them along on something (presumably) fun, even if they're not at the stage of closeness that would merit an invitation to an overseas wedding, which the OP did say she wasn't expecting at all? To assume it's because of a discount seems unnecessarily mercenary.

The last two hen weekends I've gone on didn't feature any significant discussion of the wedding at all that I can remember -- on one, the bride to be said she was sick to death of talking about chair covers and hymns and begged people to talk about something else, and the other one involved a boat and the sole topic of conversation was how to pilot the damn thing!

@Jocundest

Well if you’re fine with it then great!
But the vast majority of people on this thread have said they consider it rude and wouldn’t want to go. So we all have different perceptions. Therefore, the OP is not unreasonable to decline based on her own personal feelings. You can decline politely, it’s not like anyone is advocating her to tell the bride to piss off or anything.

I can't imagine anything worse than a Hen weekend away with people you don't know.

Politely decline and tell her you look forward to seeing her soon.

I don't think you have to promise her lunch or dinner either.