Invited to a hen weekend - not to the wedding.

[Pebblexox]

Hi all.
Posting on phone so sorry if format is funny.
Over the last year I reconnected with an old friend, she recently got engaged and has a wedding booked for next year. She's getting married abroad, so I assume a semi intimate so wasn't expecting an invite due to only recently becoming friends again.
I've been invited on her hen weekend which will cost me over £200 to attend, not including travel etc.
However I've been added into a group chat with all the people going on the hen and it seems I'm the only one not invited to the wedding. I had no problems with not being invited, however now they're all talking about what they'll be doing the night before the wedding I feel rather awkward and a bit meh about it, and I don't want to go and that be all they're discussing whilst I sit in the corner like a lone recluse.
Would I be being unreasonable not to attend the hen? Or am I just being silly?

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

I certainly wouldnt say its calculated rudeness. I just think its completely thoughtless. In my experience, people do stuff like this without thinking how embarrassing or awkward it would be for that person, then get all huffy when they dont want to go to the hen.

A little consideration goes a long way, and it increases the chances of you actually getting what you want!

[Jocundest]

Honestly, @Timekeeper1, I have deep sympathy when a child is the only one in the class not invited to a party and feels excluded and sad, but I think adults should realise it’s not necessarily some kind of Mean Girls exclusion scenario.

In the OP’s case, she’s only recently reconnected with an old friend, while other hens are presumably more longterm, established friends. It’s hardly a matter of ‘Hello, dearest friends, plus that loser who doesn’t rate an invite’...?

The one time I can think of that I was invited on a hen weekend with no wedding invitation, it was because I was a very new friend of the bride to be — we’d only known one another a couple of months by the hen weekend — and I went as much because it sounded fun and inexpensive (renting some remote coastal holiday cottages in winter) as because I liked the bride to be. I’d only met one of the others once, but I had a great time. Her philosophy was that she’d met someone new she liked and wanted to invite me.

I mean, I‘m not suggesting the OP should go, only that it’s not necessarily some deadly insult or calculated rudeness.

[Timekeeper1]

I don't see it that way, I see it as inviting a friend to whom one is not very close to one event where there's no pressure on numbers, but not to another, related event which does.

That would be fine if for example, their were 12 hens guests, and 6 were invited to the wedding and 6 weren't, or 7 were and 5 weren't, or even 3 maybe. But ALL of them going to the wedding but ONE? That's not very nice. So, say, 11 going to the wedding. 1 not invited. That's really awkward for that 1 person who hasn't been invited. Surely you can see that? What you're saying would work if there were more than one not invited.

[Pebblexox]

Thanks all. All responses have been super helpful!!

[FTstepmum]

Blimey! She sounds horrid - and quite clearly misunderstands the etiquette of wedding culture.

[Jocundest]

What on Earth is the motivation of the bride here as heaven help me i would feel like a grade A turd inviting someone to the hen and not the wedding.

It’s like inviting 13 people to a birthday party and slicing the cake 12 ways: why would you do that?

I don't see it that way, I see it as inviting a friend to whom one is not very close to one event where there's no pressure on numbers, but not to another, related event which does.

[MimiLaRue]

What on Earth is the motivation of the bride here as heaven help me i would feel like a grade A turd inviting someone to the hen and not the wedding

I agree. I dont know how I could even look someone in the eye when inviting them to a very expensive hen weekend yet then snubbing them for the actual wedding.

How embarrassing.

[SoPanny]

I completely agree that the “payback” element doesn’t make sense to me either but in my mind it boils down to this:

What on Earth is the motivation of the bride here as heaven help me i would feel like a grade A turd inviting someone to the hen and not the wedding.

It’s like inviting 13 people to a birthday party and slicing the cake 12 ways: why would you do that?

[Rezrex]

I was a MOH a few years ago at a friends wedding. The bride wanted to invite friends to the hend do that were not invited to wedding. One person declined coming to hen do due to this reason. I spoke with 3 who did come and they were really excited (genuinly). They basically said "I know we haven't been that close in the past years that we would be invited. But it's so nice to come to here and share this". So I feel like it really depends on the person and how people think about the hen do. If you don't want to go then that is fine.

[Jocundest]

Oh, I can entirely see why the OP doesn't want to go, especially if, having fallen out of touch with the bride to be, she doesn't know any of her other friends. All I'm saying is that I don't think the OP's friend was in any way entitled/rude to ask if she'd like to go on the hen weekend -- as is so often said on Mn, it's an invitation, not a summons. It may be that the friend wanted to mark the OP being back in her life, and that she was happy about that.

It might be that if the OP and the friend had reconnected a year earlier, the friendship would have rekindled to a level of closeness to merit a wedding invitation. Or that she would have been invited to a wedding if it happened in the UK and was larger.

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

I can't imagine anything worse than a Hen weekend away with people you don't know

Exactly this. I dont know why people are acting as if going on a hen weekend is your only chance to have fun in life. I adore my friends but every hen weekend Ive been on has been pretty cringeworthy and everyone got really drunk. Thats cool- no judgement, its what hen dos are usually about but they arent usually a great place to properly catch up and have long chats with people. I cannot imagine anything worse then an entire weekend spent with people I dont actually know.
I would not spend £200 on that. Sorry.

[billy1966]

I can't imagine anything worse than a Hen weekend away with people you don't know.

Politely decline and tell her you look forward to seeing her soon.

I don't think you have to promise her lunch or dinner either.

[Russellbrandshair]

@Jocundest

Well if you’re fine with it then great!
But the vast majority of people on this thread have said they consider it rude and wouldn’t want to go. So we all have different perceptions. Therefore, the OP is not unreasonable to decline based on her own personal feelings. You can decline politely, it’s not like anyone is advocating her to tell the bride to piss off or anything.

[Jocundest]

I think it’s rude to expect someone to spend what is an awful lot of money to some people on a hen weekend when it’s clear you don’t mean enough to them to be invited to their wedding. To me, it seems like she’s only doing it to make up the numbers (you get discounts usually).

Or is just pleased to have reconnected with an old friend and would like to invite them along on something (presumably) fun, even if they're not at the stage of closeness that would merit an invitation to an overseas wedding, which the OP did say she wasn't expecting at all? To assume it's because of a discount seems unnecessarily mercenary.

The last two hen weekends I've gone on didn't feature any significant discussion of the wedding at all that I can remember -- on one, the bride to be said she was sick to death of talking about chair covers and hymns and begged people to talk about something else, and the other one involved a boat and the sole topic of conversation was how to pilot the damn thing!

[excuseforfights]

A hen is celebrating an upcoming wedding (and becoming a bride) The hen and wedding are inextricably linked! You can’t have one without the other (without looking rude).

[Russellbrandshair]

Which implies you do consider a wedding invitation something that pays you back for attending the hen, otherwise not inviting someone who attends your hen wouldn't be 'incredibly rude', surely

I think it’s rude to expect someone to spend what is an awful lot of money to some people on a hen weekend when it’s clear you don’t mean enough to them to be invited to their wedding. To me, it seems like she’s only doing it to make up the numbers (you get discounts usually). It’s not so much about “getting your money back” it’s that a hen night is a precursor to the actual wedding. The two are connected. Every single person on that hen weekend will be talking about the wedding- it will be the main topic of conversation! You’d have to be incredibly dense not to realise how awkward and embarrassing that will be for people who haven’t been invited- it’s not going to create a good atmosphere and it will put a huge dampener on the group dynamic. If people can’t see that then I really don’t know what to say- it’s blindingly obvious to me how awkward that will be. Other posters in this thread who have been in similar situations and have attended have also said it was very very awkward when the topic came up. It’s not nice.

[Jocundest]

I don’t consider it payback, I just think it’s incredibly rude.

Which implies you do consider a wedding invitation something that pays you back for attending the hen, otherwise not inviting someone who attends your hen wouldn't be 'incredibly rude', surely?

I mean, the OP doesn't want to go, and I understand why in her circumstances, but I agree with a pp that it doesn't make any sense financially to think you're being 'rewarded' for going on the hen with a wedding invitation which will almost certainly cost just as much as a hen weekend once you've paid for accommodation, a dress, a present etc. 'Hey, thanks for coming on my £200 hen weekend! Here's an invitation to something that's going to cost you another £200!'

[pictish]

Oh to have been a fly on the wall of the plane journey home from Vegas!

[burnoutbabe]

Would be different if the hen had a few more people you knew to also reconnect with. But it doesn't and most people are not that gregarious to want to meet a ton of new people for an entire weekend with added awkwardness that not invited to wedding.
I'd may attend if it was local food and drinks in nearby town, but not a much bigger event.

Just say thanks for invite but I can't make it. Don't mention lack of wedding invite, that looks like you are begging to attend.
Mention to bride you won't be going but can you arrange lunch/night out soon.

[pictish]

Yanbu OP, I’d be morto and awkward in that scenario too. I’d decline and do exactly as you plan.

fairybird woooahh, three weeks in Vegas to the tune of 5K? Everyone involved in that was being unreasonable. The groom for having the expectation and the stags for actually going! Unless you are very wealthy indeed, who has the time or money to pour into something like that? I’d send my oldest, dearest friend packing with a proposal like that.
I am NOT surprised the group disintegrated after the no invite revelation.
Wtf could the guy possibly have had to say for himself?

[bravotango]

Nope - happened to me, I politely declined/made an excuse. Stuff that.

[madbirdlady22]

Don't feel bad about not going, I doubt she would expect you to. I would imagine she invited you to include you in some part of the wedding, it shows she really wants to continue the friendship with you. Say you can't make the hen, but would love to do something with her to celebrate another time.

I got married overseas and couldn't invite old friends or new ones! We enjoyed having dinner and chatting about it before and afterwards, and other friends did the same. It was completely fine.

[chubbyhotchoc]

@Fairybird a three week stay in Vegas! Crikey!!

[Pebblexox]

@madbirdlady22 thanks! Yes I definitely want to keep the friendships, this isn't a good enough excuse for us to stop talking or anything.
I will definitely do something with her before, as I'm genuinely pleased and excited for her. The hen just seems an awkward time for me.

[madbirdlady22]

By the way, I really DONT think it will be fun! At all. It will be awkward, or very awkward. You are not missing out on anything, and will have far more fun doing something else!

If you are keen to keep the friendship going, why not suggest a SD dinner one evening instead, and you can continue the reconnection, and chat about her wedding plans without the pressure of the hen element.
There are many ways you can celebrate her wedding without having to endure the hen!