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AIBU?

Invited to a hen weekend - not to the wedding.

111 replies

Pebblexox · 15/07/2020 18:57

Hi all.
Posting on phone so sorry if format is funny.
Over the last year I reconnected with an old friend, she recently got engaged and has a wedding booked for next year. She's getting married abroad, so I assume a semi intimate so wasn't expecting an invite due to only recently becoming friends again.
I've been invited on her hen weekend which will cost me over £200 to attend, not including travel etc.
However I've been added into a group chat with all the people going on the hen and it seems I'm the only one not invited to the wedding. I had no problems with not being invited, however now they're all talking about what they'll be doing the night before the wedding I feel rather awkward and a bit meh about it, and I don't want to go and that be all they're discussing whilst I sit in the corner like a lone recluse.
Would I be being unreasonable not to attend the hen? Or am I just being silly?

OP posts:

Report

Pebblexox · 15/07/2020 20:33

Yes definitely invited, as all invites were sent out when they booked. (They did paperless post so online invites) The bride and groom aren't time in getting it all booked in and plans in place.

OP posts:

Pebblexox · 15/07/2020 20:34

Yes definitely invited, as all invites were sent out when they booked. (They did paperless post so online invites) The bride and groom aren't time in getting it all booked in and plans in place.

OP posts:

Pebblexox · 15/07/2020 20:34

Wasting time even*
I've no idea why my posts are sending twice. Definitely need to get back into computer and off phone haha.

OP posts:

MinnieJackson · 15/07/2020 20:34

If you've only just reconnected then I wouldn't expect a wedding invite if it's an abroad wedding and hen nights are my idea of hell! But if it was a UK wedding is at least expect an evening invitation. I wouldn't bother

bowchicawowwow · 15/07/2020 20:35

I had the same! I was actually quite touched to be asked to the hen do until I saw the price tag.

It was being arranged by her maid of honour and I just saw the plans become more elaborate and expensive as time went on. I would happily joined her hen night for a meal or drink but it turned into a weekend away in a holiday cottage with all sorts of enforced fun thrown in. Think it was around £300 a head in the end and I knew nobody else so I ducked out early on.

Instead I just went to the evening do, bought her a drink, had a dance and raided the buffet and had a lovely time.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 15/07/2020 20:36

@Pebblexox - OP, you mention they only booked the wedding three weeks ago, but has the budget been approved then as well? Not likely!

You mentioned you just got back in touch recently, probably post planning and budgeting. Your friend may just wanted to be nice and do the second best thing with inviting you to her hen do which was not as restrictive.

If you are committed, and it has been discussed and agreed, then it would be hard to change your mind due to your ego issues.

If you haven’t committed and it just came up, then I would talk to the bride, set up a day out just for the two of us and get removed from the hen do.

Thehop · 15/07/2020 20:37

“The hen do looks like close friends who are all wedding guests, and it’s such a lot of money o feel a bit awkward....I’m going to politely decline the invite but can I please take you for lunch to celebrate before you go away? I’m so excited for you and can’t wait to see pictures! Eek!”

zingally · 15/07/2020 20:45

This happened to me quite a number of years ago.

I got invited on a hen weekend for a friend of a friend, who I'd met socially a few times and always found quite pleasant, so I thought "why not?"

I naively assumed I'd be one of a few hens who weren't coming to the wedding because... why invite me otherwise...?

Nope, every single other hen was attending the wedding.

And honestly, the whole weekend was awkward as heck. Never again.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/07/2020 20:46

Hen do’s are shit at the best of times. Just make an excuse and don’t go, then leave the group chat

Newbiehere123 · 15/07/2020 20:46

I wouldn't go if I were you. £200 plus travel expenses is not worth it especially in this current tough times and you are not even invited to the wedding! If it was a night out in town or the city fair enough, although that would be awkward anyway. I invited people who were invited to my wedding to attend my hen-do, is it me or is this a bit weird? You are celebrating a friends last days as a single lady, going to be talking about the wedding, mixing in with people who are going to the wedding only you are not invited? That's weird sorry don't go if you have self respect and dignity.

LonelyGir1 · 15/07/2020 20:49

Decline. If hen do, then wedding.

Leflic · 15/07/2020 20:53

I think it would have been worse not to have been invited to any of it. I think the idea was that you were included in some way.
I have only been invited to one hen night in my life as most of my friends stayed single or have been in long term relationships for the last 20 years.
I invited everyone to mine but that was just drinks in a bar. Had about 30 turn up and only 5 had wedding invites.

emilybrontescorsett · 15/07/2020 21:01

I think it's perfectly reasonable of the bride.
How many posts on here moan about overseas wedings, so in that respect you could say she has done you a favour.
I would have a re-think and if you would enjoy it then go.
After all there isn't much else to do now is there.

Timekeeper1 · 15/07/2020 21:14

I wouldn't go anyway based on principle. It is supposed to be a Hens NIGHT. Not a hen weekend. These days the Hens Night (morphed into weekend, probably in 10 years or so it will be a Hens Week) lasts longer than the wedding. It is back to front as to how it should be. I would NEVER go on a Hens 'weekend', even if it was my best friend (thankfully where I am we haven't been infected by the Hens 'weekend' bs and my friends wouldn't even have even thought of an entire weekend, let alone considered choosing it, let alone choosing it).

Russellbrandshair · 15/07/2020 21:19

No way would I spend £200+ on a hen weekend when it will be duper awkward that I’m the only one not invited to the wedding. Not only is that incredibly rude, but it puts you in a really embarrassing situation when the topic comes up. Having to say um..... I’m not invited when others ask you what you are wearing or plans for staying overnight etc. Not to mention, hen parties are often cringeworthy and embarrassing and everyone will be drunk anyway.
Save the money and spend it on a treat for yourself instead! Or a night out with a friend who cares about you enough to want you at their wedding.

spudlike1 · 15/07/2020 21:21

Dont go , you'll feel.like an outsider the whole time , it will cost more than £200 by the time you add on all other expenses.
I have no idea why a bride to be would invite you to her hen party but not to the main event ???

Russellbrandshair · 15/07/2020 21:21

I’m also wondering if she only invited you to make up the numbers for a discount perhaps?

saltycat · 15/07/2020 21:22

I know am not you OP, but I don't do hens or weddings ever, unless it is immediate family. And to be fair most family members just invite their same age friends to the hens (I'm an older member lol).

Too much like hard work, but the family get togethers at weddings are great fun, especially when the venue has accommodation. Bliss to just sneak away. No one misses us sneaking off which is a good thing to remember!

Thisismytimetoshine · 15/07/2020 21:30

Haha, I wouldn't go in a fit. The utter cheek!

serialreturner · 15/07/2020 21:37

It's a no from me. Cheeky mare.

MuffinHead · 15/07/2020 21:58

I had the exact same thing happen to me last year! I did not end up going. The lady who was organising it was the brides best friend, and I think the bride wasn't even aware I had been invited to the hen do, so would have been so awkward if I turned up..
The lady organising it was expecting everyone to pay for it within a couple of weeks, roughly £200 as well which I couldn't pay so soon anyway.

I agree with another poster, I would decline but offer to meet up for lunch or something.

MuffinHead · 15/07/2020 21:58

I had the exact same thing happen to me last year! I did not end up going. The lady who was organising it was the brides best friend, and I think the bride wasn't even aware I had been invited to the hen do, so would have been so awkward if I turned up..
The lady organising it was expecting everyone to pay for it within a couple of weeks, roughly £200 as well which I couldn't pay so soon anyway.

I agree with another poster, I would decline but offer to meet up for lunch or something.

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66redballons · 15/07/2020 22:04

Don’t go, same happened to me. Odd, invited to hen because you are paying and the more the merrier (more popular she looks)
Not invited to wedding because she is paying. Nah ... you’re alright.. I’m washing m’ hair.

Fairybird · 15/07/2020 22:06

Agree with everyone else. Hen dos are normally a smaller subsect of your closest female friends you invited to the wedding for an intimate hen night/weekend away. Sounds like she’s just using you for making up the numbers. She has no problem you spending £200 (it will end up way more than that) on her to give her a fun send off but won’t spend her own money on you to have you as a guest. It will be really awkward. Everyone will be drunk and bonding and talking about the wedding and you won’t know anyone. So cheeky!

This happened to my boyfriend. One of his friends invited him and 10 other guys (my boyfriend, the groom and the 10 other guys were all friends from uni and one big close group, known each other for years) to the stag which was a 3-week stag in Vegas about 6 months before the wedding for practicalities. They all ended up spending about £5k each. On the flight home a few of them asked the groom when the invites were going out as they hadn’t received theirs yet. The wedding was large (100 guests) and local. Turns out groom only invited 2 of them. The utter disbelief everyone else was in. They couldn’t believe the brass neck of being invited to such an expensive and intimate stag and giving up 3 weeks annual leave for a really close friend when they weren’t invited to the wedding and the groom didn’t tell them beforehand at any point. The invitation just seemed so obviously expected under the circumstances. They just thought the invites hadn’t gone out yet as there was still 6 months to go. It absolutely destroyed the friendship group.

Newkitchen123 · 15/07/2020 22:50

I had a small ish wedding abroad. I had a hen do. Majority did not go to the wedding. Wasn't a weekend away it was a house party that didn't cost the earth and everyone said it was a great night. It was organised by a couple of friends and my only stipulation was that it didn't cost loads because I didn't want to exclude people

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