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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum told my sister about my pregnancy

124 replies

Scrumpyjacks · 15/07/2020 09:31

I'm absolutely fuming but don't know if IBU.

My mum and dad have known for a few weeks about my second pregnancy. Mum has form for being overbearing so chose not to tell her the due date. She has since tried to get it out of me a few times, asking how many weeks I am, what my new week day is and if I will be joining her for odd events on certain dates (that I'm sure she has made up).
Anyway, my sister outright asked me a few weeks ago if I was having another child, so I told her. As it was early days, I asked both my parents and my sister to NOT discuss it with anyone, and definitely not each other. I said it was my news and was early days and didn't want anyone knowing anyone else knew as as soon as they did, I knew they would tell everyone (my mum being the worst for this) so my parents knew but didn't know my sister knew. My sister knew my parents knew.

Last weekend, my sister goes to stay with my parents and I've just found out my mum told my sister about the baby. To me, it doesn't matter that my sister already knew, my mum shouldn't have done it. My sister tried to back track saying it came up in conversation, but I don't see how it could unless you were talking about it, which they shouldn't have been.

My sister has now asked me when I'm telling my brothers and said my mum keeps trying to ask my sister to figure out my due date. Which is very odd.

Aibu to be fuming about this. Not just the sharing of the news but the chat about it, trying to figure out my due date, the high possibility that my mum had taken it upon herself to tell extended family and my brothers.
Fwiw, I'm only 10 weeks pregnant, hense the secrecy. I also don't want to share my due date as my mum kept ringing me daily in the last month of my first pregnancy and would just turn up at the door incase I had gone into labour and needed help. She then refused to meet my new born until a week later as I hadn't told her I was in labour. Just to give you some back story

OP posts:
StylishMummy · 15/07/2020 09:33

If you knew she was over bearing you shouldn't have told her until you were happy for other people to know. You also can't ask them not to speak to each other when they both know Confused

RedRumTheHorse · 15/07/2020 09:35

If you know your mum has form while tell her that you are pregnant until you are happy for the world to know? There are loads of threads on MN and elsewhere on mothers who aren't the best and clearly yours falls into that category.

Shoxfordian · 15/07/2020 09:35

She sounds difficult but you shouldn't have told her if you didn't want it broadcast around the family. Bit unreasonable to tell her and your sister what they can and can't talk about as they both know anyway

Sunnydayshereatlast · 15/07/2020 09:37

Tell her after your scan it was a 6 week scan and no pictures available yet..
Gives you a 4 week window to keep her at a distance near the end!

Nottherealslimshady · 15/07/2020 09:39

You really shouldn't have told them if it's going to stress you out like this. Mine are the same. They won't be getting told until 20 weeks, nor do they know we're trying at the moment.

BuffaloMozzerella · 15/07/2020 09:41

I feel for you. It's easy to say 'oh well you shouldn't have told her' but that's not how it feels when you've asked someone to keep something special quiet for a few weeks. I've had the same happen in my family where someone decided to tell someone else about my pregnancy because it was 'only fair'. Er no. I was very annoyed and the lack of understanding why it bothered me annoyed me even more!

nicenames · 15/07/2020 09:42

Your mum sounds overbearing. I found my parents a bit much when I was pregnancy with number one, but I accept that they were just excited - I just don't have the kind of relationship with them where they are very involved or interested in my life unless it chimes with their own interests so I found it difficult and suffocating to suddenly be very interesting to them!!

I think having kids does redraw the lines on relationships a bit. You have to decide what you are comfortable with and be consistent about communicating it. Why did you tell your mum early? This isn't blaming you, but just to query whether it would be helpful to keep a bit back in future. I think that sometimes we don't realise that if we share a lot on one occasion and not on others, or allow others to step in when we are really overstretched to do us a favour but don't actually want to make a habit of it, that we are giving mixed messages.

Re your due date, have you thought about who would look after your DC1 for the birth? If you will ask your mum anyway, then she will know when you are in labour and you can say to her - "look, you will know when it happens, but your role will be looking after DC1, as obviously I have had one already so I know what I am doing on the birth front". If it won't be your mum, then obviously you need to start managing that expectation and scenario quickly.

Unless you actually don't want your mum to be involved in your life, you need to be firm and clear about where your boundaries lie.

R2221 · 15/07/2020 09:43

You put your news in the newspaper and now complaining everyone knows! My mum is a news channel like yours. So I told her only when I was ok with everyone knowing. Congratulations! Don’t overthink it. Why don’t you give your mum the wrong due date so she is at peace? You can always say the baby came early!

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/07/2020 09:44

Two people can keep a secret.
If one of them is dead.

People gossip. It's unavoidable. If you didn't want anyone to know, you'd have been best to keep it to yourself.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

ChloeCrocodile · 15/07/2020 09:46

You were completely unreasonable to tell your sister that she couldn’t talk to your mum about something they both knew. Ridiculous.

catbellz · 15/07/2020 09:47

I think I you've picked up a few of her controlling traits yourself. Focus on yourself and leave them to it.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/07/2020 09:48

You have caused this situation by telling them. Just give them a fake date to shut them up.

GinDrinker00 · 15/07/2020 09:51

YABU. If they both know why can’t they discuss it with each other? Rather controlling behaviour.

Original poster
Scrumpyjacks · 15/07/2020 09:51

Surely if I asked them not to say anything they shouldn't have. My mum didn't know my sister knew so shouldn't have told her anyway?

OP posts:
Gogogadgetarms · 15/07/2020 09:52

So you told your Mum, then you told your sister, but then you told them they were not allowed to talk about it with each other?
Bit weird.

userabcname · 15/07/2020 10:03

I can't get worked up about this. Both my mum and MIL tell everyone they know as soon as they hear any of our news - my MIL actually posted the birth announcement for ds1 on social media before DH or I had had a chance! I don't tell them things until I am ready for everyone to know and appreciate they are just excited / happy for us. Neither of them are malicious or anything. I'd just let it go.

pooopypants · 15/07/2020 10:04

You're being a princess and a diva.

You know your mother has form for this kind of shit so you shouldn't have told her.

Sounds like you need to start keeping news to yourself because people won't 'abide by your rules'.

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/07/2020 10:11

Sorry op you created this whole drama yourself

Congrats though

Fandanglethat · 15/07/2020 10:14

With my second pregnancy, my mum was the last to find out (at 21 weeks) because she couldn't keep her mouth shut with the first one (we told her at 14 weeks but still wanted to tell other people ourselves).

She was miffed but I told her that if she couldn't keep things to herself then she only had herself to blame.

YANBU to be annoyed.

ShellsAndSunrises · 15/07/2020 10:15

Surely if I asked them not to say anything they shouldn't have.

Well ideally that’d be the case, but you knew it wouldn’t be. Your mum is the type to tell people, so you tell her when you’re happy with everyone else knowing.

You’ve told her half a story now, which is going to mean she devotes time to trying to figure out the other half. She will now be quizzing anyone on anything to find out your due date.

It’s too late for this pregnancy, but for anything else, remember that she can’t keep a secret so she finds out when everyone else does. Her joy at knowing something new to tell people means more to her than keeping her word to you.

AnnaSW1 · 15/07/2020 10:17

To be honest I think you should have known better than to tell either of them until you were happy to let everyone know

GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide · 15/07/2020 10:18

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I think it's a bit weird to not tell your mother your due date...I've never heard of this before Confused

Yes she does sound overbearing but if you already knew this, you should have just waited until you were ready to announce, not make a big drama about keeping secrets. I understand that your pissed off about your mother telling your sister when you'd asked her not too but you'd already created a weird situation with all the secrecy.

VettiyaIruken · 15/07/2020 10:23

What part of her previous behaviours made you believe she'd respect what you asked or not give you the third degree or be overbearing?
Know your man, as my grandad used to say!

Alsohuman · 15/07/2020 10:26

Why’s your due date a state secret? You’ve created your own drama.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/07/2020 10:26

You wanted everyone to keep secrets from each other, even although they all knew the secret you told them they weren't allowed to talk about it. Don't take this too harshly,but get over yourself!