My mum told my sister about my pregnancy

[Scrumpyjacks]

I'm absolutely fuming but don't know if IBU.

My mum and dad have known for a few weeks about my second pregnancy. Mum has form for being overbearing so chose not to tell her the due date. She has since tried to get it out of me a few times, asking how many weeks I am, what my new week day is and if I will be joining her for odd events on certain dates (that I'm sure she has made up).
Anyway, my sister outright asked me a few weeks ago if I was having another child, so I told her. As it was early days, I asked both my parents and my sister to NOT discuss it with anyone, and definitely not each other. I said it was my news and was early days and didn't want anyone knowing anyone else knew as as soon as they did, I knew they would tell everyone (my mum being the worst for this) so my parents knew but didn't know my sister knew. My sister knew my parents knew.

Last weekend, my sister goes to stay with my parents and I've just found out my mum told my sister about the baby. To me, it doesn't matter that my sister already knew, my mum shouldn't have done it. My sister tried to back track saying it came up in conversation, but I don't see how it could unless you were talking about it, which they shouldn't have been.

My sister has now asked me when I'm telling my brothers and said my mum keeps trying to ask my sister to figure out my due date. Which is very odd.

Aibu to be fuming about this. Not just the sharing of the news but the chat about it, trying to figure out my due date, the high possibility that my mum had taken it upon herself to tell extended family and my brothers.
Fwiw, I'm only 10 weeks pregnant, hense the secrecy. I also don't want to share my due date as my mum kept ringing me daily in the last month of my first pregnancy and would just turn up at the door incase I had gone into labour and needed help. She then refused to meet my new born until a week later as I hadn't told her I was in labour. Just to give you some back story

Why are you telling people if you sont want people to know?

If you were super close to your mum or sister or anyone else and wanted them to know and wanted their support then I would understand telling them early, but it sounds like you find them more of a problem and an obligation rather than being close to them. So why tell them early?

And stop the games over the due date. You're acting like a child and creating drama.

Have it out with your mum; explain your feelings about her behaviour last time. Set boundaries and then stick to them. Tell her clearly, and remind her closer to the date, that if she just shows up at your house then you wont answer the door to her etc. Make sure she understands and then stick to it.

But stop acting like a child.

You said you knew your mum would tell your sister. And she did.
If I had a family member like this, I wouldn’t have told them if I’d then end up fuming that they’d blabbed.

To stop your mum being so overbearing and constantly checking if you’ve gone into labour, why not tell her you’ve booked an elective c-section on a particular date. This date should be on your actually 42 week but she doesn’t need to know that - and then when you go into labour before that there’ll be less pressure.

The only way to keep a secret is ...well keep it a secret, dont tell anyone

Agree with everyone else, why make such a drama out of it? . I told no one until after 12 weeks, be honest, not that many people are really interested. I always show excitement and offer congratulations when I hear someone is expecting a baby, but I am privately thinking that why on earth would anyone choose to bring another child into our over populated world - especially at the moment.

Harsh ... but that's how I feel and I have zero interest in becoming a grandparent.

I don’t get why your mum couldn’t talk to your sister when they both knew. That’s frankly ridiculous.

I understand why you won’t tell your mum your due date if she’s going to be a pain re popping ro7nd every five minutes, but rather than piss round avoiding telling her, put some boundaries in place. She was an arsehole to refuse to visit for a week because she didn’t know you were in labour with your first. She sounds like an all round pita, but so do you. Stop pissing round, tell her she isn’t to come round every five minutes and if she does, don”t answer the door.

They both knew, what's the problem? Yes your mom shouldn't have gone against your wishes... But they both knew! You're making unnecessary stress for yourself and making happy news something negative by trying to control the people around you for what seems like no reason at all.

I told my parents I was pregnant at 9 weeks, family about 16 weeks then everyone else at 20 weeks but seriously the amount my parents went on about how I should tell my sister etc from when I told them drove me NUTS. It's not their news and I was keeping it quiet as I'd already had 1 miscarriage. I simply wont tell them until I'm ready for everyone to know next time. I feel your pain OP, it's so infuriating.

This has to be one of the weirdest threads I've ever read .... hiding a pregnancy from some family members and then not saying when it is due . WTAF !

YABU

you're over reacting .....you told each of them individually and not happy that they talked about it because neither was supposed to know the other knew??? 🤷‍♀️ bit much really and I don't see the secrecy about the due dates personally

Definitely don't give the due date. I went 2 weeks over with my first and it became quite stressful with MIL saying "as soon as you produce something, I will be there" especially since they live far away so that means coming to be house guests for a few days.

With second I just said the month and when pressed for the date by FIL I just said it could be 3 weeks before or 2 after and it had changed on various scans so I don't really know the exact date and it's meaningless anyway.

I was due early April and had a c section booked end of March from being 20 weeks 😀 so I happily knew the whole time we could just tell them once the baby was here.

They came to visit us in Feb and said they couldn't let us borrow their air bed for BIL visiting. I then heard them loudly whispering about "we should leave it because we might be up again very soon anyway" and then they so very kindly offered us to borrow the air bed. I declined and sent them on their way with it. Thankfully lockdown happened right before the baby was born.

Who even thinks it's OK to stay over in a tiny 2 bedroom house with a family of 4, one who has just had major surgery?!

We were quite worried about this baby when I was pregnant and just didn't need the stress of everyone else planning their visiting trips. It's nice, but also they don't help when they are here, don't offer to cook or anything, and really their schedules are not the priority!!

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but maybe you shouldn't have told her. Tell her you aren't going to let her know any details because she made things difficult for you last time.

I have a difficult mother too, and I was very anxious throughout my second pregnancy because of how she behaved in my first. I just kept my distance (which she hated, and had a 'serious illness' just before I gave birth to make it about her) and 6 months later I feel a lot better.

Let this one go and just give her very little information from now on, whatever makes you feel in control. Good luck, it's shit having a difficult mother while you are having your own kids

So they both knew but couldn't talk to each other about it? I don't think that's a fair thing to do and don't understand why you'd say that.

Your sister knows but not your brothers? I'd be hurt if I were them. I understand just telling your parents but not one sibling and not the others.

I also don't understand why you're keeping the due date a secret but that's your choice.

I think you created a lot of this drama yourself. Your DM sounds just like my MIL and I'd only tell her I was pregnant when I was happy for everyone to know because she can't keep quiet.

Not telling my MIL the due date would make her even more determined to find out and it would just cause a lot of unnecessary stress.

I asked both my parents and my sister to NOT discuss it with anyone, and definitely not each other

Dramatic AND controlling. Great combo.

I have learnt very early on that any think I tell my mother she will then tell my sisters and vice versa. That is family. If I don't want anyone to know I don't tell them.

You're being far too precious about 'your' news and can't see how you're affecting your own family by being so overly dramatic and secretive.

It may be that you find your mum overbearing, but from what you wrote, it actually sounds like she's tried to be there for you with your first pregnancy and you did your utmost to shut her out .

What's so wrong about your family getting excited about your pregnancy ? I get that it's 'early days', but you've already told some people, so it's way too late to keep it a secret.

Why tell them both but ask them not to discuss it?

It's almost like you're looking for ways to create a drama.

Chill out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy .However I think you are over reacting here a little bit! Families get excited at pregnancies ,and will chat about them between themselves.I would find it odd if no one was interested TBH!

Are you sure your mother told your sister?

Considering your sister already knew your parents knew, isn't it much more likely that you sister was the one that brought it up, but doesn't want to explicitly say that? That's why she is now saying 'it came up in conversation'.

And if both know, WTF is the actual problem?

I'm not convinced this is genuine tbh.

I think you shouldn't get too upset about this. Of course she wants to tell people. You had already told your sister. If you didn't want this to happen, you should not have told anyone. Yes it's better to be able to trust people to keep your secrets but I'm not sure it's reasonable, secrets are often a burden to people.

You sound very controlling. Announcing your pregnancy should have been done when you were happy for people to know.

Why make this stressful for everyone, yourself included?

“I asked both my parents and my sister to NOT discuss it with anyone, and definitely not each other.”

Based on this alone you are not only being unreasonable but pretty preposterous as well.
What a diva. How silly. Yabu.

It seems to me you could have predicted what would happen, in which case I would say you shouldn't have told either of them.

This is just plain crazy. Seriously, it’s a baby and women have them all the time.

Stop with the drama and getting annoyed that both the people you told spoke to each other. And just tell them when you are due.

I bet you'll be on here in 7 months complaining that nobody is fawning all over you and the baby as well.

If you spend so long being this controlling and pushing everyone away, then you cant complain when nobody is interested when you see fit.

Too much drama OP. You're pregnant, not working in the secret service. Congratulations, but now it's time to let go of all this controlling behaviour, for your own wellbeing as well as for family relations.