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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you can't have it both ways?

97 replies

Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:30

If you're in a long distance relationship and don't live together (and one of your houses offers little 'privacy') you can't have spontaneous and/or romantic sex that is also frequent and regular?

YANBU - you can have one but not both, so it can be regular using the limited opportunities you have but therefore it won't / can't be spontaneous

YABU - yes you can have all of this, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 14/07/2020 18:32

So so confused Confused

Lockheart · 14/07/2020 18:33

This is not an AIBU...

youhave4substitutes · 14/07/2020 18:34

Eh? You could have regular romantic sex in a tent if you wanted. Odd post

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:35

I don't know why it's confusing or not AIBU. In a relationship one person says yes, this is doable and the other doesn't. Who is BU? If that simplifies it.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 14/07/2020 18:36

YABU but points for how odd this post is.

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2020 18:37

You clearly can’t have frequent sex of any kind if you’re in a long distance relationship.

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:37

If you're in a LDR most people are only able to see each other infrequently. In this case for a weekend EOW on average. You can have sex on those occasions but it's unlikely to be spontaneous and it can't be guaranteed to be romantic either.

OP posts:
gotothecooler · 14/07/2020 18:37

This is not rocket science. You cannot have regular and/or spontaneous sex with someone who lives miles away from you.

formerbabe · 14/07/2020 18:39

Posts like these are like pulling teeth

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:39

You can have sex as frequently as you see each other, that's as frequently as you can get. But yes this isn't going to be frequent compared to people who cohabit.
And if you are having sex on those times it can't be impromptu because you both know it's going to happen.

OP posts:
randolph78 · 14/07/2020 18:40

I think your 'long distance' might not be that long really? Are you talking more than 200 miles?

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2020 18:41

What? I see my partner on alternate weeks, and stay for several days. We live a 3 hour drive apart. It's no problem at all. We're both happy with it.

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:42

About 4 hours by car distance apart.

OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 14/07/2020 18:44

Why don't you just post the actual scenario?

GertiMJN · 14/07/2020 18:48

In a relationship one person says yes, this is doable and the other doesn't.

What is the it that your dp thinks is doable and you think isn't? What are you actually arguing about? Is it the number of times you have sex or just the words used to describe your sex life?

Justmuddlingalong · 14/07/2020 18:50

Once more, from the beginning please.

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:50

That is the scenario.

One person is happy for sex to be regular ie every time at the house where there is privacy, and occasionally at the other house. Basically making the most of opportunities.

The other person previously said they wanted more regular sex, but now feels this has become a little formulaic/preplanned and would like more spontaneity and romance, but doesn't see it is hard to do this when you are only together relatively infrequently AND still make sure it happens regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:54

The difference of opinion is whether when only seeing each other infrequently you can have regular sex which is also spontaneous and romantic. Or whether if you want it to be special, etc, then it's going to be less regular?

OP posts:
Nighttimefreedom · 14/07/2020 18:54

Your boyfriend is saying the sex is boring and now it's your responsibility to sort it out?? What's he doing to change things?

gotothecooler · 14/07/2020 18:56

Basically the long distance relationship is not working out.

JaniceWebster · 14/07/2020 18:57

well, don't schedule all your reunions and allow a bit of spontaneity about when you meet, then you can have more spontaneous sex?

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:59

It's not perceived as my responsibility. It is a discussion, where partner has indicated they would like to vary our sex life whilst maintaining regularity. I'm not against the change but I just don't see how the two can be achieved at the same time. Short of living together which isn't possible as yet.

OP posts:
GertiMJN · 14/07/2020 18:59

If one person wants something which they say isn't difficult to achieve, I would expect them to make that something happen Hmm

If they are saying this "thing" is not difficult to achieve but expects the other person to provide it then its unreasonable

GertiMJN · 14/07/2020 19:00

why can't you vary things?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 14/07/2020 19:01

I think those adjectives aren't opposites. For me routine is the opposite of spontaneous not regular. And I think you can have sex 7 nights a week and within that some can be romantic and some can be special. You don't need less sex/infrequent sex in order for it to be special. Simultaneously you can also have regular spontaneous sex. But then maybe I have low standards? A lit tea light would make it romantic at this stage. Hell, an unlit tea light would probably do it.