That you can't have it both ways?

[Mordoe]

If you're in a long distance relationship and don't live together (and one of your houses offers little 'privacy') you can't have spontaneous and/or romantic sex that is also frequent and regular?

YANBU - you can have one but not both, so it can be regular using the limited opportunities you have but therefore it won't / can't be spontaneous

YABU - yes you can have all of this, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

I think I understand. One house offers little privacy. Well, go to that house less often. Alternatively, book into a hotel when they reopen. Or find somebody who lives a bit nearer :-).

Both of you abstain from sex for five years. And see if that makes a difference at the end of it. If not you might as well call it a day.

FWIW I think you have posted a complex drip-feed, are not as good as a communicator as you clearly believe you are. Just tell us, who wants more sex/romantic sex/spontaneous sex, and you might get an opinion based on, yer know, the actual situation

This is the sort of relationship issue a sex therapist could be really useful for. But if you prefer advice from a bunch of randoms on the Internet:

I think, within the constraints of how often you meet up, you can have regular and spontaneous sex, but it will probably take a bit work to make sure there are opportunities. And given how your partner has talked about the pressure to have sex I think you need to start off by taking the “regular” bit off the table and work on physical intimacy more generally. Then let that build up so that you are both more responsive to each other.

I do think there is stuff you can do (in any relationship) to make things more spontaneous and you can apply that to an LDR. For a start, unless you can afford hotel rooms or are exhibitionists, you should probably spend a lot less time at the house with less privacy. Make your time together more generally playful so that you are both more likely to be in the mood at random points. It depends on what tends to get you both in the mood, but it could be something along the lines of planning romantic but not-necessarily-sexual things for the days you are together, especially day-time activities (picnic? Afternoon movie? Breakfast in bed with the papers/tablet/book? - It’s harder during covid!) with little pressure to do anything at a particular time, so if the mood strikes you you can go with it. Also both try to dress up for each other a bit - not (necessarily) going out sort of dressing up and not deliberately provocative but both of you trying to make sure you wear things you know the other likes, show your appreciation for each other, etc. Be more generally physically affectionate but without an expectation it leads to sex.

When physical affection is well established more generally it should help make the actually having sex in a more impromptu way easier.

I also second the suggestions for exploring sexting and other remote sex possibilities if you don’t do that already.

You must both be female as you’re both way overthinking it.

Have sex, don’t have sex, as long as you both fancy each other does it matter when and how it happens?

Why are you still living so far apart after 5 years?

BoomBoomsCousin, thank you. Lots of food for thought there. Our time together is limited and often busy (trying to cram 2-3 weeks worth of everything into a single weekend can be tricky) and taking some more time to just do nice, affectionate things together may well be helpful.

Sexting or that kind of thing is definitely not either of our bag, we have discussed it in the past and it's not something either of us are comfortable with, likewise any kind of sexy dressing up (but I accept that we can dress nicely for each other in a not overtly sexy way and again that may be something we try and do more of).

Unfortunately at present we can't move, we each have responsibilities in the location we're in (caring/ business/ children) - this hasn't been the case for the whole 5 years long term we hope to live together but it will be another 2 years at least before that is possible.

I can't work out what the fuck you're on about so yes, you're being very very unreasonable.

See why would you ‘discuss’ sexting?

I mean - one sends a raunchy text the other either esponds in kind or ROFL and puts a stop.

There’s too much over-analysis.

Having read your update, I kinda think it may be over tbh........................

If you're in a long distance relationship and don't live together (and one of your houses offers little 'privacy') you can't have spontaneous and/or romantic sex that is also frequent and regular?

You totally can, if you also start shagging other people, no?
(not actually recommended during a pandemic, but that's an age-old way to beat bedroom boredom...)

Seriously though, sounds like you two need to do more fun and exciting stuff together, that does not involve sex (based on current common interests, or a shared love for discovering new things)
And find fun ways to make sex optional and more random ("I'll shag you if you can beat me at scrabble/poker/whatever").
And maybe widen your definition of "sex" a bit (e.g. just because you start snogging doesn't mean you have to end up shagging. Heavy petting can be very satisfying, and less formulaic), so that there is regular intimacy, but less pressure, and more surprise, regarding how far things may or may not go each time.

@Mordoe

BoomBoomsCousin, thank you. Lots of food for thought there. Our time together is limited and often busy (trying to cram 2-3 weeks worth of everything into a single weekend can be tricky) and taking some more time to just do nice, affectionate things together may well be helpful.

Sexting or that kind of thing is definitely not either of our bag, we have discussed it in the past and it's not something either of us are comfortable with, likewise any kind of sexy dressing up (but I accept that we can dress nicely for each other in a not overtly sexy way and again that may be something we try and do more of).

Unfortunately at present we can't move, we each have responsibilities in the location we're in (caring/ business/ children) - this hasn't been the case for the whole 5 years long term we hope to live together but it will be another 2 years at least before that is possible.

What are you trying to cram into a weekend?

See why would you ‘discuss’ sexting?

Yeah, agreed. Fair enough if sexting isn't your thing, but you are over-thinking this situation.

I don’t think you’re partner wants to have sex, or... they want to be wooed.

*your

likewise any kind of sexy dressing up

Yes, if spontaneity is the goal and pressure to have sex is a turn off, planning deliberately sexy things really isn’t helpful. It’s too deliberate and too direct a ”sex now” signal. The same with any sort of “spice up your love life” approach. From what you are describing you don’t want toys or kink - despite the reputation they are actually a narrowing of sexual experience in many ways as they direct the way the encounter will go (not that they aren’t great for some people in some situations, just that they don’t scream spontaneity and no pressure!). You sound more like you just need to make space for romance and physical affection.

I've been in two relationships where I lived about 3 hours away from my partner in both cases. So it meant that every time we saw each other, we had sex, because we didn't see each other that often - twice a month max.
However, with both relationships, after 6 months or so, I felt like we "had" to have sex every time we saw each other, because otherwise we wouldn't be having sex for a whole month. That started to ruin the sex a bit for me because it meant that even if I wasn't really in the mood, I put pressure on myself to have sex anyway because I knew we wouldn't have sex for a month if not. That pressure did start to stress me and make the sex feel a bit expected and routine rather than spontaneous and exciting. Things that helped were: telling my partner, agreeing to not have that pressure of having sex everytime and that we wouldn't see it as a 'waste' if we didn't have sex, and also seeing each other for a whole weekend rather than just one day, so that it felt more spontaneous having sex whenever we were both in the mood over the weekend, rather than only having one night and one night only to have or not have sex on.

Hope that makes sense!

I wasn't clear from your posts about which viewpoint is you and which is your partner, but I think that means I have a similar viewpoint as your partner?

Oh and agree that moving away from sex being a 'before you go to bed' thing helps! Morning sex, or watching TV that turns into sex, etc can help keep the spontaneity

It sounds more like an over thought out business arrangement than any kind of relationship. Not surprised there are problems. Most times when people are apart and don't get a chance to meet up that often they just dive in and get on with it.

Each drive 2 hours on a Tuesday night and shag in a lay-by. Download a candle app and pop on some Barry White for romance.

@museumum

From the confusing posts it sounds like sometimes you’re just having sex because you know you won’t be able to for a fortnight rather than because you really want to in that moment. That’s not exactly sexy.

Ahh @museumum you said what I tried to say in my long post, but succinctly! That's how I felt both times I was in a relationship where we could only see each other every 2 weeks.

@PolPotNoodle

That’s had me in stitches!

I think starting a MN thread about this conundrum has to be the least romantic and spontaneous option you had available to you