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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That you can't have it both ways?

97 replies

Mordoe · 14/07/2020 18:30

If you're in a long distance relationship and don't live together (and one of your houses offers little 'privacy') you can't have spontaneous and/or romantic sex that is also frequent and regular?

YANBU - you can have one but not both, so it can be regular using the limited opportunities you have but therefore it won't / can't be spontaneous

YABU - yes you can have all of this, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 19:34

FFS this is the actual scenario. What don't you get about what I'm asking?

OP posts:
Covert19 · 14/07/2020 19:35

Plan to have sex and then surprise him by having a headache.

Tell him you've got a headache when you arrive, and then surprise him with a miraculous recovery an hour later.

Plan not to have sex, then wake him up in the middle of the night with a BJ.

Plan to have sex, and then do so.

Plan not to have sex, and then don't.

Do these five things on rotation, and there's your "regularity".

Drivingdownthe101 · 14/07/2020 19:39

Different timings? So instead of knowing it’s going to be at bedtime it could be a spontaneous post breakfast shag?

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 19:39

Neither of us is bored.

LonginesPrime I think there's an element of that. The turning up 'ready' is definitely not something either of us would be comfortable with. We don't plan what we're going to do exactly but on a weekend we are together we know that we will have sex at least once so it is planned to that extent, we know it's happening. Partner finds that can be a bit overwhelming and pressured.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 14/07/2020 19:41

So partner is saying because you only meet up every 2 weeks the sex is expected, but they would like it not to be, but spontaneous? Well thats pretty much impossible then. After 5 years I imagine sex is rarely that romantic anyway, in a normal relationship (i.e living together everyday an seeing each other warts and all..........) So the fact that you are having sex every 2 weeks maybe more than average anyway? I would say that the biggest issue was living apart when you love each other, surely?

Sunrise234 · 14/07/2020 19:42

How often do you see each other? Have you tried not having sex every time you meet so it is more unexpected?
I like a PPs idea of having it at different times so do it during the day and not night time so it is more spontaneous.

LonginesPrime · 14/07/2020 19:43

Plan to have sex and then surprise him by having a headache

GrinGrinGrin

LonginesPrime · 14/07/2020 19:45

Partner finds that can be a bit overwhelming and pressured

Ok, well is he actually asking for things to be different or could he just be trying to manage your expectations in case he gets stage fright?

What does he suggest could be different?

callmeadoctor · 14/07/2020 19:45

Reading your last post, it sounds like your partner would like more sex, yet doesn't want to overwhelmed and pressured?

Original poster
Mordoe · 14/07/2020 19:49

I don't think a daytime quickie would really tick the romantic box.

The problem with not having sex when we see each other is that it might then be a month or more before we do, and we found that in thepast we felt a bit disconnected the longer time there was.

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 14/07/2020 19:50

I didn’t mean a ‘daytime quickie’. Daytime sex can be as romantic as evening sex.

Sunrise234 · 14/07/2020 19:53

I'm struggling to know what you/your partner classes as romantic.

If you gave us some information on the types of things your partner wants it would be easier to give you helpful ideas.

I do get the whole planning sex thing can be a turn-off but with a long-distance relationship this is often the way it is as you don't live together so can't be as spontaneous.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/07/2020 19:56

So he wants more sex, for it to be spontaneous and romantic, but presumably to not live any closer to you so that you can actually do any of those things?

Seems a bit unrealistic. I cant see how you can have your living situations and get all that too.

Why are you living so far apart? Is living together in the future going to happen?

callmeadoctor · 14/07/2020 19:58

TBH I think that whatever you are doing must be ok, to have lasted the relationship so long.

StCharlotte · 14/07/2020 20:06

So if your partner has an issue then they should come up with some ideas themselves.

As an aside, I have dinner every night. Not remotely spontaneous but no less enjoyable just because I know I'm going to get fed.

Surprised that five years in you haven't found a way round the distance.

viques · 14/07/2020 20:23

I can't help thinking that all this worrying about impromptu sex after five years means you have little else in common. Either change the living arrangements or decide to have sex or not when you meet up, you are the ones in a long term long distance relationship. You should have managed to sort out something by now.

Perhaps you ought to investigate zoom sex, random dick pics , or sexting. They could be very impromptu and random.

category12 · 14/07/2020 20:27

Partner finds that can be a bit overwhelming and pressured.

Ah.

Who wanted sex more often?

HidingFromDD · 14/07/2020 20:29

Tell him you're having a sex ban for 2 visits, have lots of nice relaxing contacts, cuddles, massages but no sex. surprise him on the 2nd visit...

rachelfrost · 14/07/2020 20:32

Take the day off, get their name tattooed on your tit (or at least wear a face mask with their name written across the front) and turn up at their work to demand a shag. Romantic, spontaneous and sexy.

But still not as good as planning a headache for their sexy surprise.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/07/2020 20:35

SeasonFinale

"For what it's worth I don't think you'd be having more sex if you lived together."

Is absolutely spot on. There's no bigger turnoff than cohabitation.

It sounds as if he is trying to have his cake and eat it: if you accept that the distance is inevitable for you and that you want reasonably regular sex and you have family commitments/limited privacy, you can't then turn around and insist the sex is completely spontaneous.

What is he expecting you to do: turn up unannounced at his work in a basque and suspender belt?

museumum · 14/07/2020 20:40

From the confusing posts it sounds like sometimes you’re just having sex because you know you won’t be able to for a fortnight rather than because you really want to in that moment. That’s not exactly sexy.

Casualbride · 14/07/2020 20:43

I think you are giving this far too much head space.

Italiangreyhound · 14/07/2020 21:08

OP YANBU.

OP just curious, is this the relationship you want? It seems like one person is being quite demanding.

Sunrise234 · 14/07/2020 21:09

museumum I think you've explained how the partner must be feeling which is why they're wanting more spontaneous/romantic times - which is understandable.

sonjadog · 14/07/2020 21:12

I think as he is the one who wants the spontaneity and surprise, then he has to come up with a plan for how to achieve that. I agree with you that it is hard to imagine how it is going to work, but if he wants to try something new, then give it a go.