That you can't have it both ways?

[Mordoe]

If you're in a long distance relationship and don't live together (and one of your houses offers little 'privacy') you can't have spontaneous and/or romantic sex that is also frequent and regular?

YANBU - you can have one but not both, so it can be regular using the limited opportunities you have but therefore it won't / can't be spontaneous

YABU - yes you can have all of this, they don't have to be mutually exclusive.

It's not possible not to schedule when we see each other as we have to work around schedules and family responsibilities. If we lived even an hour apart that would be possible but it is barely possible to there and back in a day, let alone an evening.

Sounds like the LDR isn't working out too well - one of you is treating it like guaranteed sex and the other wants romance. They aren't necessarily the same thing.

I'd imagine that if this is a conversation that needs to be had then it's a relationship that won't work. You have different priorities.

From discussions the sort of romance that was suggested was slightly wider ranging. More special occasion than every day.

Which is fine to save sex for those special occasions but then they're not going to be every fortnight.

If he wants more regular, spontaneous, romantic sex, he should be regularly, spontaneously coming to you to have romantic sex. Or moving house.

So long as there's some sex I'm not too bothered if it isn't every time we meet. That would be my preference but it's not a dealbreaker. I'm happy for some romance and spontaneity but I'm trying to see how to balance the two given that we'd previously said we both felt we needed more sex (some time ago it had become infrequent so we made a commitment to use all the opportunities we got going forward) and this has been working.

This isn't a new relationship btw we've been together for over 5 years.

For what its worth don't think you'll have more sex if you were living together

Is the problem that the sex isn’t spontaneous because you know in advance when you’re going to have sex, or is the problem that you have the exact same sort of sex every time and it’s getting boring and one of you wants to mix things up a bit?

This is mind boggling, or mind numbing more like. Can you just play Scrabble instead.

Drip-feed posts like this are pretty irritating.

State whatever your issue really is, and we'll try and advise you. But dressing it up in all these odd hypotheticals is meaningless.

It's the former - that we know in advance when it's going to happen. Although partner would like more romance around it.

Is this your BFs roundabout way of hinting that not just the sex but the whole LDR isn’t working for him?

What do you mean by spontaneous/romantic?
And how often do you see each other?

If you are seeing each other every other weekend it is hard to be 'spontaneous' as you know you will be having sex on those days but you can still be 'romantic'.

Would rose petals on the bed and candles or a new sexy outfit be spontaneous/romantic as these are things you can easily both do.

Well if you only see each other once a fortnight (and by the sounds of it one of you lives with parents) then there’s not going to be spontaneity unless you count sex on Sunday rather than Saturday as spontaneous!!

Book a hotel once in a while or send each other something you’d like them to wear/use if you want to spice it up a bit.

This is the issue! I don't understand what you mean.

We had a discussion about the sexual side of our relationship, partner expressed a view that I don't see how we can achieve when living apart. I'm asking whether I'm missing something, that this is possible and I'm just being dense?

I can't explain the situation because that is it. I don't know what more I can say.

This is mind boggling, or mind numbing more like. Can you just play Scrabble instead.

The kind of what to wear/ use stuff is not something partner would be comfortable with at all, that wouldn't really tick the romance box.

We do sometimes have weekends away in hotels but then that is going to be preplanned because we both know we'll be going there.

partner expressed a view that I don't see how we can achieve when living apart

Then tell him to make it happen, and lie back and enjoy!

I understand why spontaneity is an issue. Your position is rational.

I absolutely do not understand what your DP is actually asking you to do differently.

Has he told you what he wants or is he just expressing some unhappiness with the current situation but offering no solutions?

Have you asked your partner what type of things they do want?

Is there a reason you still live far away even though you've been together 5 years?

Work and family commitments are why we are this distance apart.

Partner has given examples of the kind of romantic sex they would like, and/ or for things to happen in an unplanned or unexpected way, which is fine but that almost means we'd have to plan not to have sex and I can't see how we also make sure we're having regular sex at the same time.

How many ways can you avoid writing the actual scenario or discussion?

How many guesses do we get?

They, them, the other person. Why not use 'she'?

Is he saying he is bored?

Your making it too bloody confusing.

What does he (or she) WANT?

What do YOU want?

OP, do you think he might mean that overthinking the romantic moments is killing the romance?

Is it possible that he's not saying 'turn up on my doorstep in nothing but a trenchcoat when I least expect it' but more 'let's not plan everything out in minute detail and kill the mood'?