AIBU re our wills and children?

[WhatTheWill]

I don't personally think I am but would be interested to hear as DH thinks I am.

DH has 2 children from previous relationship, we have 1 child together. I will only ever have this one child due to long issues with fertility.

We are currently sorting out wills. In my mind DHs assets should be split between his 3 children, my 2DSC and our 1DC as they are all equally his children. My assets should go to my 1DC.

DH thinks we should just split everything between the 3 children.

My reasoning for this is that our DC will only ever inherit from us. If we do things DHs way, my DSC will inherit from DH, their mother and then also me.

I do consider my DSC as part of our family however I don't really parent them other than in the sense that all children in the house are treated equally in general terms. I do care about them but their parents are very much involved in their lives and I don't ever feel the need to be a 'parent' to them. We have a very friendly and good relationship but I don't see them as 'my' children as they have a very involved mother and father if that makes sense. They were also a bit older when I met DH so I never met them as babies or small children.

AIBU in wanting all children to inherit from just their own mum and dad? I think it's the simplest and fairest way.

I had this conversation with my DH and it’s a horrible subject to face.

I’m with you, OP, and it’s really very simple. DSD has her mum and dad, my DS has his mum and dad. Each child will inherit what their two biological parents see fit to leave them. I won’t be making provisions for any child who isn’t my own, end of story. By the same token, I have no expectation that DSDs mum will be leaving anything to DS, because he’s not her child or responsibility.
DH seemed to think that I would give a monkeys bum if his ex found out and “went crazy because DSD is missing out”. Missing out on what? MY money, a fair chunk of which was gifted by my late grandparents after they invested money when I, their only granddaughter, was born? How could she ever have justified her DD being given an equal share of that money? She will get a cut of it through my sharing it equally with DH as he is my husband.

And as a couple of people have suggested, I don't mind discussing leaving a token something to DSC in my will, that's something we can look into. My main concern was the bulk of my share going to my DC and making sure DH also left something to all of his children. Although I obviously can't force him I know that.

Use a proper solicitor, take into account that people can remarry or fall out with others after you die and change wills. Get it foolproof

I think these things may need rethinking more than once in a lifetime.

I understand everyone saying to use trusts and allow the surviving spouse to live in the marital home, but if the spouse dies young, they may have 40 years of living left to do and so any provisions need to not hamstring that potential (e.g. to set up your own business, buy different properties, move countries). I would want the marital assets to live my life, my husband worked to provide me with a future, as a joint enterprise, not as some type of lodger who is allowed to live in the marital home til death (presumably you can add a clause that you are allowed to move).

I’m with you, OP, and it’s really very simple. DSD has her mum and dad, my DS has his mum and dad. Each child will inherit what their two biological parents see fit to leave them

This is how I see it. Each child has 2 parents. Each child should inherit (hypothetically) from those 2 parents.

I have this same situation, two step-children, two joint - our solicitors advised that we split things 50/50 - my husband's half is then split between his 4 children and my half is split between our 2. That way, yes - our two stand to get 'more' from us but as previous posters have said, my step-children would inherit from their mother which, unfortunately, they did.
They are both considerably older and have their own homes, our two are younger - still in school etc, so if anything were to happen to us (as older parents) then they are likely to need more to maintain them until they make their own way in the world!

Whether or not the other children will inherit from another family member is irrelevant IMO. Your kid might win the lottery, or the other mum might lose everything. It’s a ridiculous argument based on future facts yet unknown.

By all means, have your half go to your child and not your step children, it’s your half and you can choose that if you like. It sends a message to them about their relationship to you, but if you are comfortable with that, then there’s no problem. I’d have understood if a step parent did this in my family.

Each parent should split their money equally between their children. Your way is the right way.

How did this conversation go with your DH? What was his tone and reasoning? I would be really bothered by my DH expecting this of me.

It doesn't really matter what your DH wants, it's YOUR will. Let him leave his share however he likes and you do whatever you like with yours. He doesn't get a say. There is a reason there aren't joint wills. My DH has a couple of things in his will that I'm not happy about, but I didn't say anything because it's none of my business. Stick to your guns. Ask him how he would like it if you were trying to influence what he wants to do.

I agree with nearly everyone else. Each child inherits from their father and each child inherits from their mother. That makes perfect sense to me. You might choose to leave your stepchildren a token gift and that would be nice, but I see no reason for you to leave them 2/3 of your estate. That would be quite bizarre.

I think you're quite right to leave it the way you propose. Perhaps a small gift in your will to your step children with a note to say how you loved being a part of their lives and watching them grow? By small - I mean say £500/1000, enough to be kind but not to take away from your own DC.

I agree there is a need for legal advice and to come to an agreement as either party is free to change their will at any point, including after one died.

My in-laws were in a similar situation in wanting to be both fair, but MIL wanted it acknowledged that two of the kids were getting an inheritance that two others were not going to get, slightly complicated with more people involved and MIL having recently received her own inheritance from her parents and wanted that passed on to her kids which caused some friction with FIL.

FIL ended up dying first, MIL updated her what had been a mirror will and the end result was the house was split evenly between all four kids, a set amount that had been in FIL's account but moved into hers when he died was divided between his two sons and the rest of MIL's account was split between her two children, minus a set amount for their son's widow, an equal set amount for each of their grandchildren, and the bills for the house and expenses to the executor until it was sold.

Maybe I missed something, but I'm not sure why it's being assumed that they will inherit from both parents. That is not always the case, in fact MIL's insistence on this arrangement was mainly because she knew that her kids weren't inheriting from their biological father while her stepsons had an inheritance already from their mother. If they're on good terms, this is something for them to discuss, but it's not a given.

My Dad and step mum have each got two children (but none together). They have set it up so that when they die, me and brother get half each of the assets my dad had when he entered the relationship, my step brother and sister get half each of the assets their mum had when she entered the relationship. Anything that has built up since then, gets divided equally between the four of us.

Everything is in trust, so when one dies, they can still remain living at home, etc But if they remarry it isn’t theirs to change or split with any subsequent spouse.

If he dies first are his assets (assume your house, savings etc) left to you? My stupid ex husband split his assets between me and his dd meaning if he died first she'd have owned half of my house.

You need some proper serious legal advice. My ex used a cheap Will writing service and they never even mentioned or questioned elements to do with the fact our family wasn't his first

Let him leave his share however he likes and you do whatever you like with yours

As much as she obviously can't control what he puts in his will, I would consider it quite morally repugnant for him to leave money to his older two but not his youngest, as though they were an afterthought.

You should only think of what to do with your 50% share if your home. You cannot police what your DH does with his share. If you die first he can just change his will anyway, as can you if he dies first.

Do the DC and DSC only inherit after both of you have died?
Can surviving spouse remain in the marital home?
If spouse can continue to live there, how long for?
Is it for the rest of their life?
Until and if they re-marry?
Have you considered preventing the assets from being swallowed up by care costs if a widowed spouse has to go into care?

I agree with you that he should leave his money to his children and you should leave your money to yours.

However, I agree with previous posters who ask what will happen if one of you dies beforehand? If you died first, would you expect your husband to move out of the house, or would you trust him with it?

If the house was sold, could two smaller houses be bought from the proceeds?

I voted NBU but context is everything. People with children have to consider a lot of complex financial and emotional implications that arise from a second marriage or partnership. It’s why quite a few decide not to marry and / or not to mix finances.

Having gotten married without already making legal provisions or discussing what would happen if either of you die was a mistake. Your DH can rightly have assumed that you are a blended family and that finances are shared within the one family. You do need to accept you have made mistakes and that he may have made decisions he would not have made if you said this before marriage and children.

You may have to sit down and agree what is his and what is yours. Which is akin to a divorce negotiation. Good luck

@Bonniegirlie

It doesn't really matter what your DH wants, it's YOUR will. Let him leave his share however he likes and you do whatever you like with yours. He doesn't get a say. There is a reason there aren't joint wills. My DH has a couple of things in his will that I'm not happy about, but I didn't say anything because it's none of my business. Stick to your guns. Ask him how he would like it if you were trying to influence what he wants to do.

This is not a good precedent for women. A married man or woman cannot just unilaterally declare what is his or hers. In most cases this would be disastrous for a woman.

The DSC have two parents to inherit from, of which you are neither OP.

You keep your assets for YOUR DC. Stick your guns on this one, 100%. Get proper legal advice to sort out what happens if a) you die first b) your DH does.

How old are the children now? From what you’ve said there is quite a big age gap? I think this matters regardless of step status. For example, my parents will is equal now that my sister and I are adults but there is a large age gap and there was a period when I would have got much more than her to provide for me as a minor had both of my parents died.

This is exactly what we are doing.

My dh will split between our child and his child from a previous relationship.

Mine will be all my child.

Assuming your dsc have a living mum they will benefit from her will.

Why is it fair to punish your biological child by sharing finances with other children who will then benefit from 3 people.

It's not fair in my eyes so I wont do it.

My husband and I discussed all this before we married. Simpler as there are no joint children. He leaves everything to his kids, I leave everything to mine. We have completely separate finances. There’s provision in my will for him to stay in my house for 12 months.

If we had a joint child, I would expect your proposal - my 50% to them, plus 1/3 of his.

But, context is everything. If I were the higher earning partner in your scenario (and not because my partner was bringing up my child and working part time, I mean simply higher earner) then I’d be pissed off that some of their 50% (e.g. property equity created by me paying the mortgage) was actually created by me - yet I wasn’t able to share it 3 ways.

So the way my DH and I have done ours is my DSS's will receive 50% of his estate (life insurance mainly as we don't own a house)(25% each) our DS will get 25% and i will get 25%, My 25% will then go to our DS as my DH other 2 boys will have the inheritance from their mum. My inheritance will solely go to our DS as he has additional needs and we don't know what care he will need in the future. DH set this up and he feels that is the fair thing to do. Obviously if I go first then all mine will go our DS and then DH will sort his with a new will as I won't be around. We needed to make sure our DS is left enough to be able to maybe pay for care when we both go.