AIBU re our wills and children?

[WhatTheWill]

I don't personally think I am but would be interested to hear as DH thinks I am.

DH has 2 children from previous relationship, we have 1 child together. I will only ever have this one child due to long issues with fertility.

We are currently sorting out wills. In my mind DHs assets should be split between his 3 children, my 2DSC and our 1DC as they are all equally his children. My assets should go to my 1DC.

DH thinks we should just split everything between the 3 children.

My reasoning for this is that our DC will only ever inherit from us. If we do things DHs way, my DSC will inherit from DH, their mother and then also me.

I do consider my DSC as part of our family however I don't really parent them other than in the sense that all children in the house are treated equally in general terms. I do care about them but their parents are very much involved in their lives and I don't ever feel the need to be a 'parent' to them. We have a very friendly and good relationship but I don't see them as 'my' children as they have a very involved mother and father if that makes sense. They were also a bit older when I met DH so I never met them as babies or small children.

AIBU in wanting all children to inherit from just their own mum and dad? I think it's the simplest and fairest way.

This is a tough one. In your position I would only leave to my child. However my Dad (technically step father, although he has been my dad since around 3 years old) has split his will between his bio and non bio children.

Double standards from me I guess.

However I have never had any contact with my sperm donor. And my SD has always treated me equally to his other children.

What I am trying to say, in a hugely rambling way, is it depends on the dynamics of your exact situation.

That's how I think Olive. Although I didn't bring up DSC from a young age, they were already over and just turning 10 when I met them.

Well presumably the DSCS parents assets were split fairly so not as 'unfair' as it sounds ..

What I am trying to say, in a hugely rambling way, is it depends on the dynamics of your exact situation

Yes I totally agree. I think if I'd met the DSC as babies and had raised them perhaps I'd feel differently, in fact I'm sure I would. But in our situation, that wasn't the case. They were older and they have a very involved mother so I've never needed to fill that role.

I don't think that's unreasonable, no. I'm in a similar situation with my own half sibling, who I would expect to inherit the majority of my dad and his wife's (substantial) assets as their shared child.

If I was in your shoes, my half would be going to my child only and wouldn’t be split with the step children. They have their own mother to inherit from. Is your DH’s ex leaving anything for your child in her will? Doubt it 😀

It’s your 50% to do with as you please, that’s the way I saw it when I was drawing up my will. I only have one child so they got all of his DH has two so they have to share. My thought was why should my child have a lesser amount of my share just because DH and his ex chose to have more kids?

I think as the DSD will inherit from their mother it is fair to leave your share to your own DC.

In addition to me leaving my 50% to my 1 DC, I'm also expecting DH to split his 3 ways. So whilst the majority seem to agree me leaving mine to our DC only is fair, is it also fair for them to receive a 3rd of DHs?

To my mind I think yes as our DC is just as much his child as DSC.

Your 50% can go to your biological child. Your DHs 50% can be split how he likes and he may see that you giving 50% to the child he has had with you as enough of an inheritance.

I think what you originally brought to the table also comes into it. Your solicitor is the best person to advise because he/she is expert when it comes down to who gets what. Let the solicitor sort it out. It will be entirely fair, and leave no room for doubts. It's what we did, and we have an extended family also.

I agree with the majority here your half should go to your child only.

You’re married. Your assets are merged ‘with all my worldly goods’ and all that.
Children all belong to the same family. They are lucky to be left anything. Split it evenly between them unless their birth mother is likely to leave them a large amount.

It isn't even though is it if my DC gets a 3rd and then my DSC inherit from their mother too?

I would have absolutely no way of knowing if my DSC will inherit a large amount from their mother. She isn't a millionaire as far as I'm aware but neither is she poor but again, I've no idea of the ins and outs of her financial situation.

And whilst we are part of a family yes, my DSC are part of 2 families (Dad's and mum's) whilst my DC is part of 1.

So with the house 50% is yours so DC gets that 50% and then 1/3 of DHs 50% so a total of 66.67% of your home leaving DSC with 16.67% each?

Let's assume that all three parents leave the same amount split between their children. (If they don't, that's just bad luck, it's outside anyone's control.) So, to use your figures, there's actually 150 "percent" in total to be distributed. The two DSC will each get 25 from their mother, bringing their share up to 41.67.

I think it's OK they are getting a little less, because that's simply what happens to children who have more siblings to share their parents inheritance.

I agree with you. I am in a similar position only I am effectively your DH with a child from a previous relationship. The way it stands when I die the 50% of our shared home gets divided to the two kids. His 50% goes to our child together.

I have further assets and in splitting those I benefit my daughter more because she won't be getting anything from her dad. But I don't expect my partner to leave any of his assets to my daughter. He has made the decision to leave her 50% of his savings but that is entirely his decision.

I think a good way to view it as 'fair' would be for you husband to do 3 ways but for you to do 5% to each DSC so would bring it to 60%, 20%, 20%.
Some times a token is good for over all family relations, I think it would be good for you DS and his sibling relations in the long run.

Your plan sounds fine but in practice isn't

Do you consider the house an asset?

If so what happens if you die first, would your family have to sell the house to give half to your child and half to your husband (I assume he is written in your will)

Are you only considering assets other than the house in this, in which case it would be acceptable but still icky.

Tbh I am of the school of thought that Step children are still yours, and I would never consider what you're suggesting, it's a bit cold and heartless. When my mother married her husband (I was in my 20s at the time) straight after getting married they both changed their wills to be equal to all children, myself, my brother and my step sister, and he didn't even play any part in 'raising' us as we were adults at the time of the marriage

I think yanbu, but what I would do is briefly explain my reasoning in the will and leave them a token amount, eg a couple of thousand, to spend on something that gives them pleasure in your memory.

Your assets are merged ‘with all my worldly goods’ and all that

I don't agree that is the case in second (or third) time around relationships when it isn't a level playing field. DH and I don't combine finances.I have two DCs and was a single parent for 13 years. It was bloody tough for all three of us and the (little) wealth I've built up now should go to my DCs. He does have life rent of the house.

He can do what he wants with his assets. I expect the lion's share will go to his nieces and nephews and possibly a piece to our grandchildren. (He does think of the GCs as "ours" as he has been there from their birth)

In addition to me leaving my 50% to my 1 DC, I'm also expecting DH to split his 3 ways. So whilst the majority seem to agree me leaving mine to our DC only is fair, is it also fair for them to receive a 3rd of DHs

What you are suggesting is what I would do and what I think is the right thing to do.

How is it cold and heartless?

Put simply, all children involved here have 2 parents to hypothetically inherit from. OPs DC has OP and her husband, the SC have the DH and their mother. It is not fair on OPs child to have the SC inherit from 3 people, meaning they get less from their mother.

Using the house analogy and assuming that the SCs mother doesn't have anymore children. That means her DC will get 50% each from her. They will also then get a 3rd of their fathers 50% or, if they go with the husband's suggestion, they will get a 3rd of the OPs 50% as well. How is that fair or even? It will be OPs child who is disadvantaged and I personally would not have my child disadvantaged that way.

That’s what we have done - whichever of us dies first receives the other spouse’s half of the house in trust for the rest of our lives, then once both of us have died, 50% of the estate is divided equally between his three adult children and 50% goes to our child. His children will also inherit 1/3 each of everything from their mother. The Wills are structured to remain valid even if one of us remarried after the death of the other.

Children all belong to the same family.

No they don't, and the fact that the children don't have an identical set of of relatives is the central issue.